Mediocre
Sometimes I feel so stuck. I feel like I have a lot of talents, but I'm not terribly good at any of them. Is it better to be mediocre at a lot of different things, or really good at just one? I can sing, but not well. I can play guitar, but not well. I can draw, but not well. I can take pictures, but I'm not amazing. I can paint, but not well. I'm smart, but not nearly smart enough. I can write, but I don't have a very good vocabulary. Fuck. I suck ASS. I feel like if I just had some more time to just focus on ONE of those things maybe, just maybe I'd have a pretty awesome talent.
I'm pretty much self taught with everything I do, so maybe that is why I feel stuck most of the time. I remember when I first started playing guitar I got to a certain point where I was like, "Ok this is boring, I don't know how to do anything else..." and I just stopped. Same with drawing. I got so frusterated because I wasn't improving and my hand wasn't listening to my god damn mind, so I just stopped. I was never confident in my voice until recently and I know I'm not amazing by far. I have a really small vocal range and I KNOW I don't sing correctly. I don't know how. I never had a reason before to go out and get lessons. I never thought in a million years I'd be singing in a band. When I went to go try out for Acrida I was fully prepared to be rejected because of my mediocracy (but thank god for tits and vag, huh?)... but somehow I made it in... and now is the time I really need to start on the damn vocal lessons but I have NO MONEY AT ALL. Fuck.
I just want to be really good at SOMETHING. I amaze people when they first learn of all the things I can do. I think the fact that no one thought I could do them in the first place makes me look better than I really am. I just wish it was easier to make your body listen to your mind. I know exactly what I want something to look like, but when I draw it there seems to be a miscommunication between my mind and hand. Same with guitar. I know what I want the song to sound like, but then my fingers fuck it up. I know what note I want to hit but my voice decides that's not what it wants to do. So what the hell? Why can't it be easier? I need my body to be totally in tune with itself and just do what I tell it to. Stop fucking things up, me.
I'm even starting to feel stuck with graphic design. There's only so much creativity I have for designing the same shit over and over. I try so hard not to repeat myself but it's SO HARD. All my new ideas come from other peoples designs. I don't straight up copy it, I make it my own, but it's just a replica of another design I saw and liked. I want to be better, I need more ideas, and really the only way to get them is so go back to school or take some classes. But hey, guess what you need for that? Money. Yeah, I don't have that. I'm constantly looking at the world around me. I think only graphic designers REALLY pay attention to the details in the little things. I have a Pepsi can on my computer for inspiration. It's the most beautiful Pepsi can I have ever seen. It has so much movement and it's really just a perfect design. I look at every single element of every single advertisement, logo, business card, cd cover, book cover I see. I flipped out once because of a package design and the person I was with thought I was crazy. It was so cool! I'm so into graphic design now I can recognize fonts. I think I drive Chris crazy because every day I'll say, "I know what font that is..." he humors me and asks me which one, but I know he doesn't care. I'm proud of myself though. It's taken me a long time to be able to recognize as many as I can now.
I just wish things didn't cost money. My talents could be so much better if I just had a few extra dollars to spend. Even if I had some extra time (like maybe 40 more hours... like if I didn't have to work) I could probably improve a lot just by being able to practice so often. GOD life is such bullshit. I hate wasting so much time being somewhere I don't want to be when I can be doing something I actually WANT to do. Not that I hate graphic design, I just want to do it on MY time (and never have to typeset another real estate or legal notice EVER AGAIN).
I change my mind like the wind. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start persuing yet another goal. My next thing is going to be improving my photography skills. Right now, the plan in my mind is to go get my certificate from NHIA. I just need to know the basics, I can do photo manipulation fine on my own (though some more help wouldn't hurt). Then the next plan is to move to Hawaii to become a freelance designer and photographer. I just really want to be my own boss and NOT have to work in a cubicle. Someday... someday I'll have the time and money to do what I want... and that day will be AWESOME.
<3 Mahal.
I'm pretty much self taught with everything I do, so maybe that is why I feel stuck most of the time. I remember when I first started playing guitar I got to a certain point where I was like, "Ok this is boring, I don't know how to do anything else..." and I just stopped. Same with drawing. I got so frusterated because I wasn't improving and my hand wasn't listening to my god damn mind, so I just stopped. I was never confident in my voice until recently and I know I'm not amazing by far. I have a really small vocal range and I KNOW I don't sing correctly. I don't know how. I never had a reason before to go out and get lessons. I never thought in a million years I'd be singing in a band. When I went to go try out for Acrida I was fully prepared to be rejected because of my mediocracy (but thank god for tits and vag, huh?)... but somehow I made it in... and now is the time I really need to start on the damn vocal lessons but I have NO MONEY AT ALL. Fuck.
I just want to be really good at SOMETHING. I amaze people when they first learn of all the things I can do. I think the fact that no one thought I could do them in the first place makes me look better than I really am. I just wish it was easier to make your body listen to your mind. I know exactly what I want something to look like, but when I draw it there seems to be a miscommunication between my mind and hand. Same with guitar. I know what I want the song to sound like, but then my fingers fuck it up. I know what note I want to hit but my voice decides that's not what it wants to do. So what the hell? Why can't it be easier? I need my body to be totally in tune with itself and just do what I tell it to. Stop fucking things up, me.
I'm even starting to feel stuck with graphic design. There's only so much creativity I have for designing the same shit over and over. I try so hard not to repeat myself but it's SO HARD. All my new ideas come from other peoples designs. I don't straight up copy it, I make it my own, but it's just a replica of another design I saw and liked. I want to be better, I need more ideas, and really the only way to get them is so go back to school or take some classes. But hey, guess what you need for that? Money. Yeah, I don't have that. I'm constantly looking at the world around me. I think only graphic designers REALLY pay attention to the details in the little things. I have a Pepsi can on my computer for inspiration. It's the most beautiful Pepsi can I have ever seen. It has so much movement and it's really just a perfect design. I look at every single element of every single advertisement, logo, business card, cd cover, book cover I see. I flipped out once because of a package design and the person I was with thought I was crazy. It was so cool! I'm so into graphic design now I can recognize fonts. I think I drive Chris crazy because every day I'll say, "I know what font that is..." he humors me and asks me which one, but I know he doesn't care. I'm proud of myself though. It's taken me a long time to be able to recognize as many as I can now.
I just wish things didn't cost money. My talents could be so much better if I just had a few extra dollars to spend. Even if I had some extra time (like maybe 40 more hours... like if I didn't have to work) I could probably improve a lot just by being able to practice so often. GOD life is such bullshit. I hate wasting so much time being somewhere I don't want to be when I can be doing something I actually WANT to do. Not that I hate graphic design, I just want to do it on MY time (and never have to typeset another real estate or legal notice EVER AGAIN).
I change my mind like the wind. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start persuing yet another goal. My next thing is going to be improving my photography skills. Right now, the plan in my mind is to go get my certificate from NHIA. I just need to know the basics, I can do photo manipulation fine on my own (though some more help wouldn't hurt). Then the next plan is to move to Hawaii to become a freelance designer and photographer. I just really want to be my own boss and NOT have to work in a cubicle. Someday... someday I'll have the time and money to do what I want... and that day will be AWESOME.
<3 Mahal.