Torn.
So I've always had this strange fascination with death. Not that I want to die, or want anyone I know to die either, I'm just... interested? (for lack of a better word)
This is kind of the strange morbid interest I have in the Holocaust. I hate that it happened, I think it's so insanely awful... Maybe because I can't fully understand HOW this could have happened is the reason I am so interested. I watch all sorts of documentaries about it, I read books and articles... and it's really the only thing in history that I can stand learning about. One of the most memorable parts of the Washington DC trip was when we went to the memorial. I don't think I've ever been so moved. When I go on my European adventure I REALLY want to see Anne Franks house and Auschwitz. It's going to be sad, I'm probably going to cry even though I'm not Jewish nor did I know anyone who died, but I HAVE to go to these places. This will just make it so real. I feel like going and acknowledging these places will make those who died happy. Well, not happy, but you know what I mean. It will show them that I care about what happened and their memories are not forgotten.
The reason I started thinking about death was because of Zach telling me to go on Jake's (from jakeandamir.com) blog because there was a link to a list of all the executions in 2008 so far. The list shows you what the murder was, how it was committed, and the murders last meal and words. As I read through it I found myself getting emotional for some... but why? They killed another human being! I shouldn't be sad for them, but I am. And I'm sad for the families they are leaving behind. I am torn on the death penalty. For the most part I'm against it. I don't see the point of this whole "eye for an eye" thing. "Hey you killed someone so we're gunna kill you!" Yes it sucks to die, but I think it's worse to live the rest of your life paying for what you did.... in solitary confinement. I'm torn mostly because I have no idea what I'd want if someone killed a person I loved. I think I'd want to beat the living shit out of them myself; not allow them to live a cushy, paid by the government life, then get a nice last meal and get lethal injection. Fuck that. My loved one was killed by you and you probably caused them LOTS of pain... so fuck you! You get to sit in a dirty cell with no TV and I get to come in and beat you for the rest of your miserable life. You can have molded food, and you can just FORGET about ever seeing your family again... because this windowless cell... yeah that's it.
I feel like the death penalty is the easy way out... but then again... I don't want them to live in a prison the way they are right now. I don't want to pay for inmates, they can fucking rot. And again, the government would probably not go for the idea I have for a murders prison. I guess all humans have rights, even if they are murders. Dumb.
So death. What's with that? Some people don't even like to talk about it, but that has never been the case for my family. We're all pretty morbid. We talk about each other dying and what we want all the time... we did it when my grandmother was alive and well too. I feel like this is a good thing. Death is a natural part of life and to deny or ignore it all together is like denying the inevitable. You're going to die, whether you like it or not, so deal. Talking about it only makes it more real and maybe even easier to deal with, even though it never really is.
I'd love to know what really happens (but wouldn't we all). I have my own theories, and since my grandmother died the events that surrounded her death only made them stronger. There HAS to be something else. Death can't just be the end all. I do believe in your loved ones come to get you when you die. I'm a pretty firm believer in an afterlife of some sorts... and a pretty firm believer in reincarnation. And I'm 85% sure that ghosts exist... So there HAS to be something. I don't believe there is a heaven or hell, and I definitely don't believe there is a god who judges you. How can you generalize a person's whole life and have that decide where they go when they die? How isn't EVERYONE going to hell if there is such a thing?
Death scares me. It's the cause of most of my anxiety. I'm constantly paranoid my loved ones are going to die. Though my fear doesn't prevent me from talking about it. I know it's a part of life, I know it's something I'm going to have to go through over and over and over again. And that REALLY sucks. I can't imagine my life with out the people that are in it right now. And for those that aren't anymore, I REFUSE to believe that they are not still there somewhere in the universe. I know my grandmother has helped me through things, be skeptical all you want, but I KNOW it was her. You can't just simply DIE... your energy has to go somewhere. Right?
If death just that, death; Where your body dies and with it your mind, and you just rot in the ground, I hope I have lived my life to the absolute fullest. My anxiety and fear of death is really what is causing me to just live my life. It's the driving force behind my "do whatever it takes to make you happy" attitude. I hate being miserable for long periods of time for this reason. I only have one life... why waste my time here being miserable when I can be doing something to make myself happy? Don't waste a single minute. Don't have a single regret. Don't get to those last seconds of life and think "I wish I did more"... When I die I want to feel fulfilled. I will see everything I want to see and do EVERYTHING I want to do. I want to really live just incase death holds nothing more than rotting in the ground (or sitting as ashes in an urn). When I die I want to die with a smile knowing that I've done everything I set out to do; knowing I've won this game.
Mahal <3
This is kind of the strange morbid interest I have in the Holocaust. I hate that it happened, I think it's so insanely awful... Maybe because I can't fully understand HOW this could have happened is the reason I am so interested. I watch all sorts of documentaries about it, I read books and articles... and it's really the only thing in history that I can stand learning about. One of the most memorable parts of the Washington DC trip was when we went to the memorial. I don't think I've ever been so moved. When I go on my European adventure I REALLY want to see Anne Franks house and Auschwitz. It's going to be sad, I'm probably going to cry even though I'm not Jewish nor did I know anyone who died, but I HAVE to go to these places. This will just make it so real. I feel like going and acknowledging these places will make those who died happy. Well, not happy, but you know what I mean. It will show them that I care about what happened and their memories are not forgotten.
The reason I started thinking about death was because of Zach telling me to go on Jake's (from jakeandamir.com) blog because there was a link to a list of all the executions in 2008 so far. The list shows you what the murder was, how it was committed, and the murders last meal and words. As I read through it I found myself getting emotional for some... but why? They killed another human being! I shouldn't be sad for them, but I am. And I'm sad for the families they are leaving behind. I am torn on the death penalty. For the most part I'm against it. I don't see the point of this whole "eye for an eye" thing. "Hey you killed someone so we're gunna kill you!" Yes it sucks to die, but I think it's worse to live the rest of your life paying for what you did.... in solitary confinement. I'm torn mostly because I have no idea what I'd want if someone killed a person I loved. I think I'd want to beat the living shit out of them myself; not allow them to live a cushy, paid by the government life, then get a nice last meal and get lethal injection. Fuck that. My loved one was killed by you and you probably caused them LOTS of pain... so fuck you! You get to sit in a dirty cell with no TV and I get to come in and beat you for the rest of your miserable life. You can have molded food, and you can just FORGET about ever seeing your family again... because this windowless cell... yeah that's it.
I feel like the death penalty is the easy way out... but then again... I don't want them to live in a prison the way they are right now. I don't want to pay for inmates, they can fucking rot. And again, the government would probably not go for the idea I have for a murders prison. I guess all humans have rights, even if they are murders. Dumb.
So death. What's with that? Some people don't even like to talk about it, but that has never been the case for my family. We're all pretty morbid. We talk about each other dying and what we want all the time... we did it when my grandmother was alive and well too. I feel like this is a good thing. Death is a natural part of life and to deny or ignore it all together is like denying the inevitable. You're going to die, whether you like it or not, so deal. Talking about it only makes it more real and maybe even easier to deal with, even though it never really is.
I'd love to know what really happens (but wouldn't we all). I have my own theories, and since my grandmother died the events that surrounded her death only made them stronger. There HAS to be something else. Death can't just be the end all. I do believe in your loved ones come to get you when you die. I'm a pretty firm believer in an afterlife of some sorts... and a pretty firm believer in reincarnation. And I'm 85% sure that ghosts exist... So there HAS to be something. I don't believe there is a heaven or hell, and I definitely don't believe there is a god who judges you. How can you generalize a person's whole life and have that decide where they go when they die? How isn't EVERYONE going to hell if there is such a thing?
Death scares me. It's the cause of most of my anxiety. I'm constantly paranoid my loved ones are going to die. Though my fear doesn't prevent me from talking about it. I know it's a part of life, I know it's something I'm going to have to go through over and over and over again. And that REALLY sucks. I can't imagine my life with out the people that are in it right now. And for those that aren't anymore, I REFUSE to believe that they are not still there somewhere in the universe. I know my grandmother has helped me through things, be skeptical all you want, but I KNOW it was her. You can't just simply DIE... your energy has to go somewhere. Right?
If death just that, death; Where your body dies and with it your mind, and you just rot in the ground, I hope I have lived my life to the absolute fullest. My anxiety and fear of death is really what is causing me to just live my life. It's the driving force behind my "do whatever it takes to make you happy" attitude. I hate being miserable for long periods of time for this reason. I only have one life... why waste my time here being miserable when I can be doing something to make myself happy? Don't waste a single minute. Don't have a single regret. Don't get to those last seconds of life and think "I wish I did more"... When I die I want to feel fulfilled. I will see everything I want to see and do EVERYTHING I want to do. I want to really live just incase death holds nothing more than rotting in the ground (or sitting as ashes in an urn). When I die I want to die with a smile knowing that I've done everything I set out to do; knowing I've won this game.
Mahal <3