no real topic
Why is it that every time something good in my life happens, something absolutely shitty must follow... I can not fathom why this happens to me, i can never be happy it seems like. I'm finally happy, and some how I do something to ruin it all. Apparently he didn't know me as well as i thought, considering he doesn't know when i'm kidding around and when i'm serious. I feel as if my heart is ripped out of my chest and it's five feet away laying on the floor, pumping, and then along he comes and stabs a knife right through it. I want to stop breathing, i just want all the pain in my life to stop. I'm sick of it all. I want to smoke my lungs into oblivion, and just end it all. At least i would go semi-happy. I feel as if the whole world is crashing all around me, and there's no one standing by my side anymore. I have no one. Do you know what that feels like? To have NO ONE by your side at all. To be loved by no one, to be cared for by absolutely no one, to want and not be wanted back. I thought i was done with the one sided likingness, and then BAM like 8 semi-trucks come rawring by, BAM BAM BAM BAM!! One after another, I thought i wasn't going to be alone anymore, at least for a certain amount of time. I guess i was wrong, i should've known better. I trusted him, because i've known him for 7 years, i thought i could trust him. I let my guard down AGAIN, and let him right in, and apparently i'm "coming on too serious," what kind of shit is that? i see you once a week, talk to you on the phone once a day, and THAT'S SERIOUS!?!? I've been in a serious relationship, and THAT is NOT even close! I was enjoying his company, and conversation, and just enjoying being with him, and somehow i make one cutesy comment and i'm coming on too serious... wow i didn't know you didn't know me that well, otherwise i never would have said it. I mean jesus, don't you know me at all!?!?!?! You're my best friend i thought you knew how i am by now, JESUS CHRIST! I'm baffled, there are no words to describe this at this point. This is just shitty, and confusing, and i'm left with no explanation whatsoever. I'm sooooo sick of this.. and you look at me like I DID SOMETHING SHITTY!! Hell if i knew you were going to do that when you looked at me like that i would have gone inside got your shit and handed it to you right then and there. And you knew you were going to do it, you had my CD you ASSHOLE! You knew the whole time. I'm so glad we could TALK about it, i mean jesus you said you could tell me anything, APPARENTLY you can't! Because if you could you would have sat down and TALKED to me about it and NOT have given me that shitty ass display! I deserve better than that scenario at least! That was the shittiest thing i've ever seen in my life! And no words just that phrase and i wanted to punch you in the face, but i care about you so why would i do that?!?! I CARE ABOUT YOU! WTF else do you want from me... I've always been there for you, and YET AGAIN YOU CONTINUE YOU PUSH ME AWAY!!! I will never fucking understand that at ALL! every time we get close you just push me further away! I don't understand that! There are no words anymore. I'm done. FIN!~ <3