Do I matter anymore?
That seems to be a frequent ?tion many people ask, and I seem to find myself asking that of myself more and more these days. I'm to the point that when my friends tell me something, I don't believe them. How many of them are lieing to me right now? All of them are. Y'all, I'm not stupid, slow, or guliable to believe your cheesey lies. When are y'all gonna realize that I see things. That I'm not blind. It hurts worse when you think you have to lie to me. Of course the truth hurts, but think about your experiences in life. When someone has repeatedly lied to you, even though you know the truth, which hurts more? The truth, or the fact that they are trying to hide the truth?...The fact that they are hiding it is worse...much worse..and it causes hate where it should not if you would just realizse I'm not some little kid. I've said this to your faces a thousand times, but you don't seem to listen.....
Also, quit telling me you're gonna do something, when you know you aren't. It takes too much energy for me to get excited over it, and then for you to say sorry but blahzsay blahzsay blahzey....
But of course you wouldn't realize this because you never see me anymore unless I come and find you because I can't handle anything anymore....But you still don't see the hurt and the pain....but why should yall look for it, b/c yall are completely happy about it... The only time you need me now is when you need your schoolwork done or something of the sort...
I can't believe I gave my best friend and the person i loved up for this.... for nothing...
my mom continues to live in her psychotic little world where she doesn't comprehend that anything is actually wrong..not even when we get in constant fights over it every day....I completely destroyed my room today b/c of her...b/c that was the only way i could deal with the anger w/o hurting her....Ive always dealt w/ anger that way...id rather destroy something of mine and have to clean it up later, rather than hurting someone that I "try"..."TRY" to love...but she makes it almost impossible...
My dad always told me when the anger and pain got too much i could always come to him and we'd find a way to deal w/ it....& God takes away the only person that gives me peace.... YES GOD TOOK HIM AWAY!....The devil didnt make my dad die...God did....but I dont hate God....In a way im glad my dad is away from all this God forsaken mess here on earth, but I wish He would have taken me too...but He didnt...Ive turned to my Bible almost constantly lately....and there's nothing there...there's nothing there that comforts me except for death...and unless God has this plan for me to die 2morrow then it'll be a long time before I get that comfort...nothing in it gives me comfort....people always tell you...go to the cross...go to God..go to the Bible...you'll find whatever it is that you want there....I don't find it, besides the fact that Heaven has to be the most wonderful thing there ever was or earth wouldnt be so bad....so why do I try sooo hard to stand on my own two feet and Im getting better about looking to my Bible like I used to be....but why do i continually get beat down.... I never even get my head all the way up out of the mud & someone pushes me back down...and the harder i fight...the harder that person pushes... the only thing I find comforting is Heaven...and the only way to get there is death.....and God hasn't played my Grim Reaper card yet......
Also, quit telling me you're gonna do something, when you know you aren't. It takes too much energy for me to get excited over it, and then for you to say sorry but blahzsay blahzsay blahzey....
But of course you wouldn't realize this because you never see me anymore unless I come and find you because I can't handle anything anymore....But you still don't see the hurt and the pain....but why should yall look for it, b/c yall are completely happy about it... The only time you need me now is when you need your schoolwork done or something of the sort...
I can't believe I gave my best friend and the person i loved up for this.... for nothing...
my mom continues to live in her psychotic little world where she doesn't comprehend that anything is actually wrong..not even when we get in constant fights over it every day....I completely destroyed my room today b/c of her...b/c that was the only way i could deal with the anger w/o hurting her....Ive always dealt w/ anger that way...id rather destroy something of mine and have to clean it up later, rather than hurting someone that I "try"..."TRY" to love...but she makes it almost impossible...
My dad always told me when the anger and pain got too much i could always come to him and we'd find a way to deal w/ it....& God takes away the only person that gives me peace.... YES GOD TOOK HIM AWAY!....The devil didnt make my dad die...God did....but I dont hate God....In a way im glad my dad is away from all this God forsaken mess here on earth, but I wish He would have taken me too...but He didnt...Ive turned to my Bible almost constantly lately....and there's nothing there...there's nothing there that comforts me except for death...and unless God has this plan for me to die 2morrow then it'll be a long time before I get that comfort...nothing in it gives me comfort....people always tell you...go to the cross...go to God..go to the Bible...you'll find whatever it is that you want there....I don't find it, besides the fact that Heaven has to be the most wonderful thing there ever was or earth wouldnt be so bad....so why do I try sooo hard to stand on my own two feet and Im getting better about looking to my Bible like I used to be....but why do i continually get beat down.... I never even get my head all the way up out of the mud & someone pushes me back down...and the harder i fight...the harder that person pushes... the only thing I find comforting is Heaven...and the only way to get there is death.....and God hasn't played my Grim Reaper card yet......