i hate everything
things have been incredibly tense and shaky around my house.
the other day, my mom and i got into the fight of the century. it was the biggest fight i've ever been in in my life, and i think it will be forever.
it really all started over nothing, as usual. i got angry because she wouldn't let me go out just because someone had come over the night before and a week earlier i came home later then i said i would. when i was trying to talk to her and convince her, she yelled at me and hung up the phone. i got soo angry and called about 3 times and she didn't pick up. finally, i called and left her a nasty message. i KNEW how angry she would be with that message. i KNEW how much trouble i would be in, but i was so angry with her and i was tired of dealing with her (and still am) that i just couldn't hold it in. i told her she was the meanest person i know. that i hated the fact that i have no freedom and shes so strict with me going out with my friends. i hate how i have to watch my little sister everynight, and how i get yelled at for every little thing i do. i told her i hated living at her house.
after leaving that message, i was hysterically crying of course. sooo i called my dad and told him he had to come get me, that i couldn't be at her house. buuut he was at work and couldn't (and wouldn't anyway). he tried calming me down, which didn't work. he had to do his conference call so we had to get off the phone but he would call back as soon as he was done. so for 45 minutes i sat in my bed balling my eyes out and getting so worked up that i could barely breathe and had to take really deep breaths to keep from dying. he called me back and i just kept telling me he had to get me, i couldn't be here any longer. of course he tells me 'i have plans tonight, rachel'. of course, plans with his girlfriend are ALWAYS more important. i'm not a selfish person, but i honestly think if my daughter called me hysterically crying, i might break the plans to be with her or make her feel better. but obvisouly my dads kids come second in his life, first being his girlfriend of a year. in the middle of the conversation, my mom comes home. she was yelling so loudly i didn't know what to do. she made me get off the phone with my dad. i told her that she makes me want to kill myself, and she said good. apparently she wouldn't care. thennn she told me to call my dad to tell him to come get me then 'pack up all my shit so i can get the fuck out of her fucking house' (direct quote) i called my dad, like she asked and couldn't even talk i was so choked up. finally, i could breathe and say words so i told him. but did my dad offer to come get me? of course not. he told me he'd call me when he was done with work. soo my mom went to the grocery store while i sat on my porch. then she went out for hours. i sat on the front porch for probably 5 hours doing nothing. i didn't want to go into the house because i thought maybe she'd get angry and tell me that if i wanted to leave so bad why would i sit in the house. so i sat in the heat, crying, and trying to avoid my neighbors looking at me, wondering why i was sitting there for so long. finally, i called my dad around 8ish and asked why he hadn't called me yet. he 'put his phone down and simply forgot'. i'm glad he forgot to call his hysterical daughter. i'm glad he obviously doesn't care how unhappy or miserable i am. THANKS DAD, I LOVE YOU TOO! so i asked him to come get me, again. and he wouldn't. i try to tell him why i feel this way, but he really doesn't get it. he thinks that all i want to do is be able to leave the house when i want and do whatever i want. WRONG. i would rather be locked in his apartment all day and not be allowed out, then live with my mom. then of course my mom and dad start talking and turn the whole thing around. and i think that only reason that my dad agrees with my mom is so that he doens't have to deal with anything. so he can just be left alone with his girlfriend in his perfect little world that only involves his kids twice a month. cute dad, you're the best father ever. i'm glad you care so much about your family. annywayy .. so really things have been so tense around my house. i don't know if i'm allowed to ask to go out with my friends. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i wish i could get out. i hate how my dad makes jokes like .. 'if you want to leave your mom, you'll have to emancipate yourself from her'. does he not realize that he's my dad and he could take me. fuck him. fuck fuck fuck him. i really hate my parents at this point. but who do i blame for all of this? myself of course. i pick out every little thing that i do, and make sure i blame myself and no one else. i blame myself for my unhappiness. i blame myself for driving me to cut myself. i blame everything on myself, and i guess thats what i should do.
someone take me away from everyone. i can't deal with my family anymore.
the other day, my mom and i got into the fight of the century. it was the biggest fight i've ever been in in my life, and i think it will be forever.
it really all started over nothing, as usual. i got angry because she wouldn't let me go out just because someone had come over the night before and a week earlier i came home later then i said i would. when i was trying to talk to her and convince her, she yelled at me and hung up the phone. i got soo angry and called about 3 times and she didn't pick up. finally, i called and left her a nasty message. i KNEW how angry she would be with that message. i KNEW how much trouble i would be in, but i was so angry with her and i was tired of dealing with her (and still am) that i just couldn't hold it in. i told her she was the meanest person i know. that i hated the fact that i have no freedom and shes so strict with me going out with my friends. i hate how i have to watch my little sister everynight, and how i get yelled at for every little thing i do. i told her i hated living at her house.
after leaving that message, i was hysterically crying of course. sooo i called my dad and told him he had to come get me, that i couldn't be at her house. buuut he was at work and couldn't (and wouldn't anyway). he tried calming me down, which didn't work. he had to do his conference call so we had to get off the phone but he would call back as soon as he was done. so for 45 minutes i sat in my bed balling my eyes out and getting so worked up that i could barely breathe and had to take really deep breaths to keep from dying. he called me back and i just kept telling me he had to get me, i couldn't be here any longer. of course he tells me 'i have plans tonight, rachel'. of course, plans with his girlfriend are ALWAYS more important. i'm not a selfish person, but i honestly think if my daughter called me hysterically crying, i might break the plans to be with her or make her feel better. but obvisouly my dads kids come second in his life, first being his girlfriend of a year. in the middle of the conversation, my mom comes home. she was yelling so loudly i didn't know what to do. she made me get off the phone with my dad. i told her that she makes me want to kill myself, and she said good. apparently she wouldn't care. thennn she told me to call my dad to tell him to come get me then 'pack up all my shit so i can get the fuck out of her fucking house' (direct quote) i called my dad, like she asked and couldn't even talk i was so choked up. finally, i could breathe and say words so i told him. but did my dad offer to come get me? of course not. he told me he'd call me when he was done with work. soo my mom went to the grocery store while i sat on my porch. then she went out for hours. i sat on the front porch for probably 5 hours doing nothing. i didn't want to go into the house because i thought maybe she'd get angry and tell me that if i wanted to leave so bad why would i sit in the house. so i sat in the heat, crying, and trying to avoid my neighbors looking at me, wondering why i was sitting there for so long. finally, i called my dad around 8ish and asked why he hadn't called me yet. he 'put his phone down and simply forgot'. i'm glad he forgot to call his hysterical daughter. i'm glad he obviously doesn't care how unhappy or miserable i am. THANKS DAD, I LOVE YOU TOO! so i asked him to come get me, again. and he wouldn't. i try to tell him why i feel this way, but he really doesn't get it. he thinks that all i want to do is be able to leave the house when i want and do whatever i want. WRONG. i would rather be locked in his apartment all day and not be allowed out, then live with my mom. then of course my mom and dad start talking and turn the whole thing around. and i think that only reason that my dad agrees with my mom is so that he doens't have to deal with anything. so he can just be left alone with his girlfriend in his perfect little world that only involves his kids twice a month. cute dad, you're the best father ever. i'm glad you care so much about your family. annywayy .. so really things have been so tense around my house. i don't know if i'm allowed to ask to go out with my friends. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i wish i could get out. i hate how my dad makes jokes like .. 'if you want to leave your mom, you'll have to emancipate yourself from her'. does he not realize that he's my dad and he could take me. fuck him. fuck fuck fuck him. i really hate my parents at this point. but who do i blame for all of this? myself of course. i pick out every little thing that i do, and make sure i blame myself and no one else. i blame myself for my unhappiness. i blame myself for driving me to cut myself. i blame everything on myself, and i guess thats what i should do.
someone take me away from everyone. i can't deal with my family anymore.