(no subject)
I hate this, i just feel like I can't do this. Theres a voice telling me not to, I believe this would be my brain telling me to leave it, asking why should i sit around thinking about him constantly. Then it gets interrupted and I am told that I can't give up, I would have wasted a year and 10 months. Everytime I think I could give up I realise how much I can't. I keep seeing people who look like him even just slightly and I wish so much that I was with him. I've given up the need to have a relationship. I'm pulling myself out of that scene, not only because I am sick of the short relationships that I seem to get myself into, but I believe it is also because they're not him. Maybe I should turn cold hearted, shut that part of me off like he has and go with anyone and not realise 'he's not as amazing' because he sure as hell hasn't, well he did, but I don't believe he does now.
I keep dreaming about everything I can't have. Ergh, I feel like standing in the rain and wishing to have it all washed away. I do not want to do this for another two years if not more. Why should I? But right now I can't give up, its not because I don't want to, I'm not that suborn, because I do want to, but to be honest if I did it would be no different. I'd still think about him, we'd still randomly talk because neither can cut communications off totally. I can't tear myself away either. I can't pull the stiching out. Theres apart of me that out of spite would love to make him feel like this. I really wish he would. Maybe he would consider what he wants and what he needs, sift through to what he really wants and what he really loves and actually change what hes doing. What his choice would be, I don't know. However, even if he did feel like this, I know he wouldn't change what hes doing. He can't not fight against himself. Myabe there was one day when he actually reached out to what he'd wanted for months on end, and he actually got there, yet I don't know if it was actually like that.
I keep dreaming about everything I can't have. Ergh, I feel like standing in the rain and wishing to have it all washed away. I do not want to do this for another two years if not more. Why should I? But right now I can't give up, its not because I don't want to, I'm not that suborn, because I do want to, but to be honest if I did it would be no different. I'd still think about him, we'd still randomly talk because neither can cut communications off totally. I can't tear myself away either. I can't pull the stiching out. Theres apart of me that out of spite would love to make him feel like this. I really wish he would. Maybe he would consider what he wants and what he needs, sift through to what he really wants and what he really loves and actually change what hes doing. What his choice would be, I don't know. However, even if he did feel like this, I know he wouldn't change what hes doing. He can't not fight against himself. Myabe there was one day when he actually reached out to what he'd wanted for months on end, and he actually got there, yet I don't know if it was actually like that.