(no subject)

[broken_smiles_]

I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I thought I was completly over Bryan, and the more I think about it the more Im positive that its better that we dont go out. But I was jsut reading through old entries and I can't help but crying over the memories that I've worked so hard to forget, but the more you try to forget, the harder it gets. I jsut wish that i could make this pain go away, because everytime i see him i want to hit him for everything that hes done to me. when is he going to realize what hes doing? i dont understand how i can be this meaningless to someone who onece 'loved' me. i sound like a whiney baby right now, but really we had such a great relationship while it lasted and he was my everything. i loved him so much i still to this day cant even put it into words. yet now, everything means nothing to him. how can he look at me, and not see flashbacks of the past and everything that we went through. i gave him everything that i had to give...and he took it all and ran. i feel so used and disgusting and hurt and crushed and hes moved on...so why cant I? hes forgotten me so quickly and no matter what i do i cant make him remember. hes completly erased his memory and thats all i want to do right now.

i dont know why im in this mood again, and its not bryan that i miss. its that feeling of unconditional love and the knowing that no matter what, someone always has their arms open to you and they'll jsut hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. i miss that so much, i miss being loved and in love and the entire amazing experience. but its dead now..and who knows if ill ever feel like that again. and once again..i'm crying, for him. why do i do this. bryan yuore not even worth my tears..yet youve gotten more that anyone has in my entire life.

i want to forget..just like you have. i want to find someone else, just like you did...

blah..kill me please --