Another second
Today is a time for me when I realise how little i actually have. Life isn't sitting right with me, and to be honest, I have been sinking a little deeper and deeper into my depression again, I know its not healthy, because when winter comes around I just seem to feel liek I am going no where. No matter how much I do, or how I try to fill this black hole inside of my self I only am let down, and destroy myself a little more. Sometimes I wish I could just move back in time, make changes, and fix everything I have ever done wrong in my life. I now we all have regrets, maybe thats why memories stick around so long.
I was thinking of my childhood, then I started to think about my life, and then I started thinking about a gun, a bullets, and of course the cause & effect, possible outcomes, and everything else that goes along with it.
I try t tie myself up in as much Music related things as possible, and of course then there is a part of me that wants to go and just get out of control, drink, and just put myself out.
I don't really relate with people, maybe I just can't. For every time I look at what is going on in other peoples lives, I tend to just feel so out of place. What do I want? what does everybody want from me?!
Everyone tells me I have so much potential, yeah thats fucking great, maybe they can fill me in on what that potential really is. So far if the potential is to be miserable, and feel worthless I have that just Way too well Over covered. I it at this keyboard now, angry, even a bit close to tears, because I feel like i have let everyone down myself, my friends, and my Family.
Seriously I look in the mirror and just TRY to figure out how i can manage to survive another day, when in honest would much rather take a shotgun, place it under my chin, and blow my fucking head off. I hate lookin in the mirror, I loathe trying to pretend like I am happy like my life is alright, like I am really Okay. I go out and put on this mask of nothing is bothering me yet on the inside I am screaming to be put out of my misery. JUST ONCE I would like to actually feel a little bit well, to feel something other than what I already do. Everyone that see's me in Omaha, that knows me seems to think I am actually okay, and maybe thats just good acting on my part or people just not looking close enough.
Yes I hate people, not on the individual level, but on a WHOLE level. I'm tired of feeling pressured by society to be "Okay" i don't feel relaxed, my muscle aches, my back is killing me, my hands are sore, and my lack of self security is only bringing me down more.
Suicide- I see how alot of people deem it I know how it affects others, I also know that for the last 10 years, I have been contemplating the most selfish act of all, ending it so that I don't keep affecting or bringing down others. Is it selfish to want everything to really be over? Is it really selfish to know that its the only way I can think of to just turn off all the lights, and close the book?
I was thinking of my childhood, then I started to think about my life, and then I started thinking about a gun, a bullets, and of course the cause & effect, possible outcomes, and everything else that goes along with it.
I try t tie myself up in as much Music related things as possible, and of course then there is a part of me that wants to go and just get out of control, drink, and just put myself out.
I don't really relate with people, maybe I just can't. For every time I look at what is going on in other peoples lives, I tend to just feel so out of place. What do I want? what does everybody want from me?!
Everyone tells me I have so much potential, yeah thats fucking great, maybe they can fill me in on what that potential really is. So far if the potential is to be miserable, and feel worthless I have that just Way too well Over covered. I it at this keyboard now, angry, even a bit close to tears, because I feel like i have let everyone down myself, my friends, and my Family.
Seriously I look in the mirror and just TRY to figure out how i can manage to survive another day, when in honest would much rather take a shotgun, place it under my chin, and blow my fucking head off. I hate lookin in the mirror, I loathe trying to pretend like I am happy like my life is alright, like I am really Okay. I go out and put on this mask of nothing is bothering me yet on the inside I am screaming to be put out of my misery. JUST ONCE I would like to actually feel a little bit well, to feel something other than what I already do. Everyone that see's me in Omaha, that knows me seems to think I am actually okay, and maybe thats just good acting on my part or people just not looking close enough.
Yes I hate people, not on the individual level, but on a WHOLE level. I'm tired of feeling pressured by society to be "Okay" i don't feel relaxed, my muscle aches, my back is killing me, my hands are sore, and my lack of self security is only bringing me down more.
Suicide- I see how alot of people deem it I know how it affects others, I also know that for the last 10 years, I have been contemplating the most selfish act of all, ending it so that I don't keep affecting or bringing down others. Is it selfish to want everything to really be over? Is it really selfish to know that its the only way I can think of to just turn off all the lights, and close the book?