i’m not, not sure, not too sure how it feels, to handle everyday...
last year i found myself.
i might have been stupid, but stupid was who i was. i didn't care what you thought, really, i didn't. and i might have been sad, but sad was who i was. i was a drag, but it was okay, because i didn't know it until after you told me. but i guess that just goes back to me not caring. cause i didn't. i experimented and knew college kids who were more pure. i used to wear this perfume called bora bora under my cluster of jelly bracelets and wristbands. sometimes i wonder if i smell it hard enough if maybe, just maybe i will jump out of the bottle and be reunited with this body i wear. i dyed my hair dark auburn and it was the prettiest color i'd ever seen. it was the prettiest i'd ever felt. in the dark it looked black, but if you looked at me in the right lighting, it was a luminous red. and long, my hair was always long and straight, worn down. i had a best friend. and lots of people who cared about me. me and her would take pictures and make funny movies and really talk to each other. i mean talk. not phone calls that you make and have no point to. it was therapeutic. it's amazing how fast you can pour yourself over a telephone reciever. we had our bad habits. well everyone has bad habits. our highs were amazing but our lows were deadly, and we were both highly contagious. i was a drama queen. i'd mope around the hallways hoping someone would notice and give me a hug. pathetic i know. but pathetic was who i was. i got scared. i got really scared. was this who i wanted to be? was this how i wanted to feel? it seemed so comfortable and reassuring at first but soon, it hurt. i was born and it hurt. doctors are funny that way, they call you crazy when all you wanted was to be called a butterfly.
i might have been stupid, but stupid was who i was. i didn't care what you thought, really, i didn't. and i might have been sad, but sad was who i was. i was a drag, but it was okay, because i didn't know it until after you told me. but i guess that just goes back to me not caring. cause i didn't. i experimented and knew college kids who were more pure. i used to wear this perfume called bora bora under my cluster of jelly bracelets and wristbands. sometimes i wonder if i smell it hard enough if maybe, just maybe i will jump out of the bottle and be reunited with this body i wear. i dyed my hair dark auburn and it was the prettiest color i'd ever seen. it was the prettiest i'd ever felt. in the dark it looked black, but if you looked at me in the right lighting, it was a luminous red. and long, my hair was always long and straight, worn down. i had a best friend. and lots of people who cared about me. me and her would take pictures and make funny movies and really talk to each other. i mean talk. not phone calls that you make and have no point to. it was therapeutic. it's amazing how fast you can pour yourself over a telephone reciever. we had our bad habits. well everyone has bad habits. our highs were amazing but our lows were deadly, and we were both highly contagious. i was a drama queen. i'd mope around the hallways hoping someone would notice and give me a hug. pathetic i know. but pathetic was who i was. i got scared. i got really scared. was this who i wanted to be? was this how i wanted to feel? it seemed so comfortable and reassuring at first but soon, it hurt. i was born and it hurt. doctors are funny that way, they call you crazy when all you wanted was to be called a butterfly.