thrills, rushes...and speculations
Well well...Before the summer, I would tell you that I hate salsa and baked beans, I rarely eat at taco bell, and I'm deathly afraid of roller coasters. Today, I can say that I like salsa and baked beans, love taco bell, and am a roller coaster junkie. Strange how these things work, eh?
I went to cedar point, and the biggest coaster I'd been on was the gemini. I rode that a couple times this weekend, along with spinny rides and water rides and shows and other small things. Thursday, my dad's like "You should ride the magnum". I spent the day wondering how high it was, how the angle compared to the gemini, whether I could handle both the slow line and the slow jaunt up the hill before they drop you...After consulting my ride buddy (Mo) I decided I'd do it. After we both freaked out through the long line and up the hill, it was the greatest ride of my life. I still can't believe I rode it. For all of you who were in my Florida group, you no longer need to persuade me to ride. (it's about time, huh?) Y'all should see the picture of Mo and me at the bottom of the hill. I look like I've seen a ghost, and Mo looks a mixture of laughing, throwing up, and sneezing onto her shoulder with her eyes glued shut. It's so hilarious, it's on a keychain in my purse. Ask me if you want to see it.
Oh yes, and, after not seeing the love of my life...er...my crush ;-) for like a month, he was finally at church. I was too afraid to talk to him. I'm too shy when it comes to guys I have a crush on. I'm totally comfortable with anyone else. :-( Angela, you need to force me harder. I'll thank you afterward, I'm sure. Hopefully I'll see him this Thursday or Friday...hopefully.
If you'll think back, my dad's cousin Dennis lost his 24ish year old son Jared to an avalanche in Colorado. It shocked and scared me, and I was afraid last week when I heard Dennis was coming to visit because last time he came, Jared was with him. We saw him when we got back from vaca and, to me, it looked like he'd lost part of himself. He seemed different in a way that's indescribable. Jared was all that was on my mind. Here is a poem that I wrote, aimed at Dennis and about Jared, that I will probably never show to him.
My stomach churns in empathy
My throat constricts, my legs go weak
But nothing I feel compares to your pain
The sadness, the anger, the shock of your loss
I can hardly bear to know
You'll never see him live and grow
Will you laugh again
Or allow your eyes to gleam
Or smile a grin unplagued by pain?
If time could heal
If fate were kind
If life were fair
If only...
I would trade his fate for mine
You would play and laugh and smile
He would look down from the clouds
And I could sleep in peace
My stomach churns with deep, cruel pain
But sighs won't make this go away
What is life without a son?
What is love after it's gone?
Why would God take him away
And leave you here, leave me to pray?
I sit and write and think of you
But all the tears that I can shed
Won't make him laugh and live anew
Please, no criticism. It's not like I'm going to publish this someday. I just needed to harness my sadness and my anger at the whole situation. Dennis is the most amazing man, and has lost a part of himself. No poem can even express what he will hold in his heart for the rest of his life.
Today we played scrabble (Dennis, Matt and myself). Dennis is amazing. I learned the words qat, xenia, and vug (a shrub, a method of plant fertilization, and a crevice, respectively), and I got housed. That doesn't happen often. Inside the scrabble dictionary that belongs to one of my relatives was a small sticker that said "Alice M. Wood" and my grandpa's address. Alice is my grandma's name, and my middle name. It was kind of cool to see her name there. She died before I was born, but God connected her to us somehow when I was very young. After I was born, my mom had a dream that grandma "came to see the baby". When I was old enough to talk, I told my mom that I had dreamt of an elderly woman drinking something not coffee out of a coffee mug, and reading. I had had no idea at the time that my grandma used to drink mountain dew out of a coffee cup while reading! Today, a relative told me I had grandma's hair. I love being connected to my grandmas. It makes me feel like they're a part of me even though I never knew them. My mom's mother, who died when my mom was 10 years old, loved Amethyst, the color purple, and shopping. As a child, I made my favorite color purple and favorite stone Amethyst before my mom told me that. My mom almost cried one day when she said that she was glad I liked shopping with her. When she knew her mom, she hated shopping, so she never got to do that kind of stuff. I love my mom to death, but often wish she could've had the comfort of a loving mother's arms growing up.
Going back to the crush thing - All this time not seeing him has made me become more and more certain that he doesn't like me. For some reason, my mind has trouble letting me believe that someone could like me. And I always tell Ashley she needs to have more self-confidence.
The college app process is underway, as is the countdown to Matthew's imminent haircut. *makes malicious face* Oh yeah, and he started a band! They had their first practice today. I'm supposedly in it, but they don't always need me. Isn't that cool? I'm actually in a band...a cool band! I'm playing trumpet. He doesn't know I suck yet. By the time he realizes it, maybe I'll be good. Our name is Sound of Speed. I kind of like it, think what you will. I hope I haven't bored you. Please don't feel you need to read all my "ranbings" as drugged up Mellissa would say. If I bore you, skip some. Love to all, and to all a good night.
~megalicious~
I went to cedar point, and the biggest coaster I'd been on was the gemini. I rode that a couple times this weekend, along with spinny rides and water rides and shows and other small things. Thursday, my dad's like "You should ride the magnum". I spent the day wondering how high it was, how the angle compared to the gemini, whether I could handle both the slow line and the slow jaunt up the hill before they drop you...After consulting my ride buddy (Mo) I decided I'd do it. After we both freaked out through the long line and up the hill, it was the greatest ride of my life. I still can't believe I rode it. For all of you who were in my Florida group, you no longer need to persuade me to ride. (it's about time, huh?) Y'all should see the picture of Mo and me at the bottom of the hill. I look like I've seen a ghost, and Mo looks a mixture of laughing, throwing up, and sneezing onto her shoulder with her eyes glued shut. It's so hilarious, it's on a keychain in my purse. Ask me if you want to see it.
Oh yes, and, after not seeing the love of my life...er...my crush ;-) for like a month, he was finally at church. I was too afraid to talk to him. I'm too shy when it comes to guys I have a crush on. I'm totally comfortable with anyone else. :-( Angela, you need to force me harder. I'll thank you afterward, I'm sure. Hopefully I'll see him this Thursday or Friday...hopefully.
If you'll think back, my dad's cousin Dennis lost his 24ish year old son Jared to an avalanche in Colorado. It shocked and scared me, and I was afraid last week when I heard Dennis was coming to visit because last time he came, Jared was with him. We saw him when we got back from vaca and, to me, it looked like he'd lost part of himself. He seemed different in a way that's indescribable. Jared was all that was on my mind. Here is a poem that I wrote, aimed at Dennis and about Jared, that I will probably never show to him.
My stomach churns in empathy
My throat constricts, my legs go weak
But nothing I feel compares to your pain
The sadness, the anger, the shock of your loss
I can hardly bear to know
You'll never see him live and grow
Will you laugh again
Or allow your eyes to gleam
Or smile a grin unplagued by pain?
If time could heal
If fate were kind
If life were fair
If only...
I would trade his fate for mine
You would play and laugh and smile
He would look down from the clouds
And I could sleep in peace
My stomach churns with deep, cruel pain
But sighs won't make this go away
What is life without a son?
What is love after it's gone?
Why would God take him away
And leave you here, leave me to pray?
I sit and write and think of you
But all the tears that I can shed
Won't make him laugh and live anew
Please, no criticism. It's not like I'm going to publish this someday. I just needed to harness my sadness and my anger at the whole situation. Dennis is the most amazing man, and has lost a part of himself. No poem can even express what he will hold in his heart for the rest of his life.
Today we played scrabble (Dennis, Matt and myself). Dennis is amazing. I learned the words qat, xenia, and vug (a shrub, a method of plant fertilization, and a crevice, respectively), and I got housed. That doesn't happen often. Inside the scrabble dictionary that belongs to one of my relatives was a small sticker that said "Alice M. Wood" and my grandpa's address. Alice is my grandma's name, and my middle name. It was kind of cool to see her name there. She died before I was born, but God connected her to us somehow when I was very young. After I was born, my mom had a dream that grandma "came to see the baby". When I was old enough to talk, I told my mom that I had dreamt of an elderly woman drinking something not coffee out of a coffee mug, and reading. I had had no idea at the time that my grandma used to drink mountain dew out of a coffee cup while reading! Today, a relative told me I had grandma's hair. I love being connected to my grandmas. It makes me feel like they're a part of me even though I never knew them. My mom's mother, who died when my mom was 10 years old, loved Amethyst, the color purple, and shopping. As a child, I made my favorite color purple and favorite stone Amethyst before my mom told me that. My mom almost cried one day when she said that she was glad I liked shopping with her. When she knew her mom, she hated shopping, so she never got to do that kind of stuff. I love my mom to death, but often wish she could've had the comfort of a loving mother's arms growing up.
Going back to the crush thing - All this time not seeing him has made me become more and more certain that he doesn't like me. For some reason, my mind has trouble letting me believe that someone could like me. And I always tell Ashley she needs to have more self-confidence.
The college app process is underway, as is the countdown to Matthew's imminent haircut. *makes malicious face* Oh yeah, and he started a band! They had their first practice today. I'm supposedly in it, but they don't always need me. Isn't that cool? I'm actually in a band...a cool band! I'm playing trumpet. He doesn't know I suck yet. By the time he realizes it, maybe I'll be good. Our name is Sound of Speed. I kind of like it, think what you will. I hope I haven't bored you. Please don't feel you need to read all my "ranbings" as drugged up Mellissa would say. If I bore you, skip some. Love to all, and to all a good night.
~megalicious~