when does it get better??
so when is it supposed to get better. the past year i have spent trying to better my life. technically it has gotten better. as far as at one time i was a high school dropout that ran away from home. no im a soldier in the US Army. whoopty fuckin doo. is that title supposed to make me feel better? is that supposed to make me better then anyone else in the world? am i better then a regular guy with a 9-5 job who comes home to a shitty apartment at night to go to sleep and do the same thing the next day? no...emotionally and mentally my life isnt better. im still that sad "emo" depressing person i was back home. y should it get better? i havent done anything to deserve a better life. ive only sacraficed everything to try to make it better. my friends and family are proud of me for what ive become. but im not. so ive got a job, a pretty honorable one at that. that doesnt mean shit to me. it did at once, until i realized what all i lost in the process. i wake up every morning at 6 for PT, and go to work at 9. i get off at 430 on a good day to come back to the barracks and sit in my room. i dont have a life after work. everyone goes home to there husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. i come back to a roomate who also has no life. occasionally ill hang out with some friends, whenever their not out doin something. but me, no. i had everything back home. no i dont have shit. joining the army was a good decision that i now regret. y make my life look better to everyone else, when its not good to me. but i have to live with this. and i will live with it everyday when im in iraq. a full year away from everyone, rare phone calls and emails. no contact. and i volunteered for this. i come home around the 20th of december. to my family and what little friends i have left. only to come back here and not return home till the middle of 2007. its been about 6 months since ive left and so much has changed back home. im scared to think what will happen in a year and a half. everyone here says i need to get a girlfriend...but i dont want any girl from here...the one i want is at home. but ive given up on trying to be with her cuz thats all ive been doing for over a year now and nothings changed. y am i such a bad person? y do i always have to be depressed? y cant it get any better? ive waited way too long for it to get better, and im really close to giving up on life. theres no reason to hope, theres no reason to wish or dream. ive been doing for too long and ive always been disappointed in the outcome. theres only one thing that will make me happy. and ive been waiting for that for over a year. will it come? no...how do i no this? cuz ive hoped...ive dreamed, ive wished for it for so long. and y should this come true when nothing else has? fate sux...what is my purpose, what is my fate? when will i be happy again? when will it all pay off? when will everything that ive done to turn my life around become positive? when she comes back to me...or when i die.
bRoKeN mInD
bRoKeN mInD