(no subject)
I'm not the best person I could be. I wish I was better at being who I am.
Feeling bad for people I've wronged, decisions I've made that were inconsiderate of other people.
The loyalty I claim to have versus my actions. I really do feel bad about it you guys. really..
This is the first night I've had (alone) at my new place that I've not been stoned. It's easier to get stoned then to face how stressful life is. Maybe. It's definitely something that's not helping whatever this is I'm going through.
Namely Aaron. I know Doug doesn't agree that I should feel so bad about all that because Aaron is an ass. Granted, Aaron is an ass. But that doesn't justify anything on my end. Plus Aaron and I have somewhat of a history, albiet not anything physically significant, but I'd say there is an emotional history. I know he'd agree with that statement. I don't know, however, if he knows how I feel about it. And that's my fault. I just can NOT for the life of me seem to connect to other people in a genuine way without shutting down. I don't know what that is. Some sort of fucked up defense mechanism that limits me in OH SO many ways.
I really want to talk to Aaron one on one about everything at some point. I undersatnd that I probably fucked the whole friendship up... I also understand that my need to sort out some feelings and shit with him is selfish and if I acted on it now, it would fuck up his relationship with Lily. Well, maybe it wouldn't, but I don't want to leave that to chance. They seem happy. I hope. I mean in all honesty it seems like kind of a codependant nightmare, but I really shouldn't even go there.
I am taking this statistics class at the community college nearby here, and there was sort of a weird moment today that made me think about things. I don't know why really. So on the past two tests I've made a 61, and then a 48... the 48 kinda made me feel shitty so I studied really hard for the third test. Also, I really don't want to take this goddamn class a third time, and I really want to graduate in December. Anyway the test was yesterday and I assume mr. math teacher has graded at least some of them. We had a break and I was coming back in from smoking a cigarette and I'm walking up the hall, teach comes up behind me and is like "hey, how do you think you did on the test?" which kinda startled me... he's never spoken to me before. I told him I thought I did well, and that I didn't study for the other two, and somehow he had remembered my awful grades. When I mentioned I hadn't been studying he feigned dissapointment or something, and that was the end of the conversation. On one hand I am hopeful that the fact he even said anything to me might mean I really did do well on the test, which makes me happy. But the fact that he noticed (if he even did) the sudden turn around made me feel dissapointed in myself. Like I should have been doing well all along. Because I should have.
I am going to graduate, but with a very poor GPA and not a very useful major... no minor. 40 G's down the drain? We'll see I guess.
God is this a midlife crisis or something lol? WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE, NOTHING I GUESS.
Nah I'm 23 I've got plenty of time to do something cool. Right?
Feeling bad for people I've wronged, decisions I've made that were inconsiderate of other people.
The loyalty I claim to have versus my actions. I really do feel bad about it you guys. really..
This is the first night I've had (alone) at my new place that I've not been stoned. It's easier to get stoned then to face how stressful life is. Maybe. It's definitely something that's not helping whatever this is I'm going through.
Namely Aaron. I know Doug doesn't agree that I should feel so bad about all that because Aaron is an ass. Granted, Aaron is an ass. But that doesn't justify anything on my end. Plus Aaron and I have somewhat of a history, albiet not anything physically significant, but I'd say there is an emotional history. I know he'd agree with that statement. I don't know, however, if he knows how I feel about it. And that's my fault. I just can NOT for the life of me seem to connect to other people in a genuine way without shutting down. I don't know what that is. Some sort of fucked up defense mechanism that limits me in OH SO many ways.
I really want to talk to Aaron one on one about everything at some point. I undersatnd that I probably fucked the whole friendship up... I also understand that my need to sort out some feelings and shit with him is selfish and if I acted on it now, it would fuck up his relationship with Lily. Well, maybe it wouldn't, but I don't want to leave that to chance. They seem happy. I hope. I mean in all honesty it seems like kind of a codependant nightmare, but I really shouldn't even go there.
I am taking this statistics class at the community college nearby here, and there was sort of a weird moment today that made me think about things. I don't know why really. So on the past two tests I've made a 61, and then a 48... the 48 kinda made me feel shitty so I studied really hard for the third test. Also, I really don't want to take this goddamn class a third time, and I really want to graduate in December. Anyway the test was yesterday and I assume mr. math teacher has graded at least some of them. We had a break and I was coming back in from smoking a cigarette and I'm walking up the hall, teach comes up behind me and is like "hey, how do you think you did on the test?" which kinda startled me... he's never spoken to me before. I told him I thought I did well, and that I didn't study for the other two, and somehow he had remembered my awful grades. When I mentioned I hadn't been studying he feigned dissapointment or something, and that was the end of the conversation. On one hand I am hopeful that the fact he even said anything to me might mean I really did do well on the test, which makes me happy. But the fact that he noticed (if he even did) the sudden turn around made me feel dissapointed in myself. Like I should have been doing well all along. Because I should have.
I am going to graduate, but with a very poor GPA and not a very useful major... no minor. 40 G's down the drain? We'll see I guess.
God is this a midlife crisis or something lol? WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE, NOTHING I GUESS.
Nah I'm 23 I've got plenty of time to do something cool. Right?