Fitting into myself all over again
I just realized that I may stepping out of my extended adolescence...finally?
Simon broke up with me last week and I've been trying to start a healing process, or find the reason I stayed in this masochistic, self sabotaging, terribly experimental and soul detrimental relationship for so long. This whole last week, ive been so angry and frustrated. No matter how many coaching calls I have, or bitching conversations, nothing feels satisfying or would get me out of this self anger inflicted rage toward waisting the last two years of my life.
Simon's a coach in my ILP, so of course, he's still present in my life, and were headed off to NYC this weekend and of course, he'll be there. We took a long week break and I had all the space and time that I needed to sink deeper into this. There was no way out for me, the solution was anger.
I wanted to have a conversation before the weekend. I went over today at 12. I was charming, radiant, beautiful, light and empowered. I wanted to create some sort of tranquility. We talked about the ambiguity of a pause. We defined that, finalized it. He needs to experience someone else, experience new feelings, he adores me but, he needs to do the menage, he wants to chase me, he's afraid he might find someone else, he's afraid I might find someone else.
All those feelings and things i needed him to say, I felt them to, there all so there.
I'm afraid being in an open relationship created this sick power in me that I felt I had over men, like I could have whoever I wanted and not be completely available.
I realized I wasnt so much angry as I am sad. That I used blaming him to stay with my hate toward him and who he could be with me. He said if i stayed in that, that the hate would eventually overbear the love that was still lingering and that I would be left with that. It sounded like a good plan but after I left, he had the rest of my bags waiting, I slammed the door, I was so frustrated, I was torn. I wanted to be complete with him, with all of this but somehow I felt that would be wrong. To just, be ok, and complete. I realized I needed to give myself permission to live this heart break. To be sad about losing him, losing what we had, failing at what we had created. And that letting myself live this heartbreak in some way honored him and what the relationship was to me.
I havent been alone in so long....Ive had so many lovers over the past two years. Ive been saturated with needy men and average sex and lack of self value.
Im alone now and I scared as hell but im looking forward to creating an amazing life for myself, figuring out what i want, who I want to be, learn how to fit into myself.
Ive never given myself permission to do that. It also means that im going to have to get all my stuff in order now. My finances, my taxes, my health..the people i surround myself with. The life im trying to create for myself. Its a journey...im giving myself permission to graduate into adulthood. Take care of myself, build a life and create a context worth getting up for in the morning.
Simon broke up with me last week and I've been trying to start a healing process, or find the reason I stayed in this masochistic, self sabotaging, terribly experimental and soul detrimental relationship for so long. This whole last week, ive been so angry and frustrated. No matter how many coaching calls I have, or bitching conversations, nothing feels satisfying or would get me out of this self anger inflicted rage toward waisting the last two years of my life.
Simon's a coach in my ILP, so of course, he's still present in my life, and were headed off to NYC this weekend and of course, he'll be there. We took a long week break and I had all the space and time that I needed to sink deeper into this. There was no way out for me, the solution was anger.
I wanted to have a conversation before the weekend. I went over today at 12. I was charming, radiant, beautiful, light and empowered. I wanted to create some sort of tranquility. We talked about the ambiguity of a pause. We defined that, finalized it. He needs to experience someone else, experience new feelings, he adores me but, he needs to do the menage, he wants to chase me, he's afraid he might find someone else, he's afraid I might find someone else.
All those feelings and things i needed him to say, I felt them to, there all so there.
I'm afraid being in an open relationship created this sick power in me that I felt I had over men, like I could have whoever I wanted and not be completely available.
I realized I wasnt so much angry as I am sad. That I used blaming him to stay with my hate toward him and who he could be with me. He said if i stayed in that, that the hate would eventually overbear the love that was still lingering and that I would be left with that. It sounded like a good plan but after I left, he had the rest of my bags waiting, I slammed the door, I was so frustrated, I was torn. I wanted to be complete with him, with all of this but somehow I felt that would be wrong. To just, be ok, and complete. I realized I needed to give myself permission to live this heart break. To be sad about losing him, losing what we had, failing at what we had created. And that letting myself live this heartbreak in some way honored him and what the relationship was to me.
I havent been alone in so long....Ive had so many lovers over the past two years. Ive been saturated with needy men and average sex and lack of self value.
Im alone now and I scared as hell but im looking forward to creating an amazing life for myself, figuring out what i want, who I want to be, learn how to fit into myself.
Ive never given myself permission to do that. It also means that im going to have to get all my stuff in order now. My finances, my taxes, my health..the people i surround myself with. The life im trying to create for myself. Its a journey...im giving myself permission to graduate into adulthood. Take care of myself, build a life and create a context worth getting up for in the morning.