(no subject)
So I’ve been working on my blind Sam story and in the process I’ve revisited a couple of story points, most recently the arc where John comes back in Lebanon (see my last post).
And one thing I’m reminded is how absolutely furious I was at this episode.
Don't get me wrong, as a fan I love that John comes back, the boys get some closure, and there's a true family moment for the small broken family. It's a beautiful thing and I like that we got to see it on screen. Did it feel a bit like fan service? Sure. Did I care? No.
But here’s the thing. Sam - rebellious, headstrong, defiant Sam - brushes aside years of abusive behavior and all the very really reasons he had to be upset and basically says it’s no big deal. I understand loving the person who hurt you, but I hate the way the show addressed it.
John was abusive. No, he was. He may never have laid a hand on those boys - do you really think he never did? - but he sure as hell didn't provide for them. He left them, even when Dean was really too young to be left alone, much less be left to care for his brother, to go away for days at a time. He, by choice, did not have a steady stream of income to provide basic nescessities, nor did he always leave them with enough for food. He trained them to fight monsters, something that you can't tell me wouldn't have been psychologically scarring for ten year old boys. He kept them isolated from other people, particularly children their own ages. He discouraged both boy's from developing genuine interests outside of his crusade and blatantly put his need for revenge above the safety, wellness, and health of his children.
I can hear the chorus of "he did his best!" rising through the ranks now, but there's a very important lesson I've learned. Just because someone tried their best, doesn't mean their best was good enough, or that it was what you needed. That doesn't mean their efforts, love, or hard work was unimportant or unappreciated. It just means that it wasn't what was best for the person in question. It's okay to still love that person and care about them. It's okay to accept them and to acknowledge that they did their best. It's also okay to admit that they fucked up.
John Winchester fucked up. He may have loved those boys but he put them in a situation that many adults wouldn't have had the tools to handle and he did so without even the barest thought to the fact that they were children who didn't have the perspective or maturity to call him on his shit, nor did they have the autonomy to really leave the situation. If he wanted them safe, he had other options. He could have given them up. He could have settled them at one of his trusted contacts, he could have settled down himself and given over the search to someone else. There were a lot of alternative options John could have chosen, most of them with fewer ramifications for Sam and Dean than what he actually chose.
Yet Sam sets all this aside. His anger about how they were raised, which has been a defining characteristic through most of the show, is brushed aside in favor of the prodigal son reconciling with his father. The problem is, Sam wasn't really the wayward one in this scenario. He left a situation that was damaging to him in favor of pursuing his own dreams and ambitions. Granted, he didn't do it in a particularly mature or healthy way, but he removed himself from the situation when it became clear no one else was going to do it for him.
No one can tell me he’s fine with everything that happened to them. He’s obviously uncomfortable through that whole scene. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to get into that baggage. He and Dean still deal with the fallout from the way they were raised, and yet, he deals with it like it’s nothing.
Now, compared to multiple apocalypses and all the things the boys have had to deal with in their lives, maybe it does seem like nothing.
I get it. It’s Sam’s way of letting go and finding peace for himself. I believe he does what he does for himself, not for John, because carrying that anger around is incredibly exhausting, and getting the last word is just so unimportant when you get the chance to make peace with the one person you were sure you’d just have unfinished business with the rest of your life. But damn. I grew up with a parent who could be intentionally cruel (nowhere near being truly abusive) and I still have hang ups about it - real, honest to goodness Big Feelings (tm). If that person came back and said hey, I messed up a lot with you didn’t I? My first gut response wouldn’t be to say yeah well, it’s cool.
I wish that this was address in media a little better. Sometimes life is more complicated than abuse equalling clear cut physical violence or sexual assault. I do believe that everyone's parents mess them up in all sorts of unique and special ways, and [perhaps no one's average childhood trauma is any more special than anyone else's, but there are real ramifications to it. It's not just some emotional side story that can get swept under the rug until you're ready for a really climactic scene. It affects all our choices and decisions.
The thing is, it is sometimes more important to have the person who hurt you acknowledge their role in the problem than it is to get an apology or revenge. John isn't acknowledging that he made mistakes that had consequences for both Sam and Dean. He's responding to Sam's anger and addressing the things he thinks that Sam perceives as failings. Notice he says "I messed up a lot with you." Almost as if he doesn't think he really messed up with Dean or even that he did anything wrong beyond not connecting enough with Sam to know how to convince him to get with the program.
John Winchester is the kind of abuser that we like to tell stories about. The man who did his best. The man who loves his family, even when he can't put them first. He is the type of person who gets a free pass when he shouldn't. He may have done his best, but he didn't benefit anyone by it.
Then again, Sam is nearly a decade older than me. Maybe he is just better at coping with it than I am. Maybe it was the shortest way through the baggage and onwards. All the Winchester's seem to breath denial.