(no subject)
hmmm. so well classify it under catharsis. god i was a bit messy by the end of the evening. like hitting a melon with a mallet, i was both smashed and hammered. i dont know how it happened, but i was feeling unsettled all evening and then this drive towards alcoholic self-destruction kicked in. with its emotionally overladen corollaries. there wasnt even a catalyst really, i just lost myself in a downward spiral of doubts and disconnection. certainly its not a new feeling. i guess, for want of a better phrase, this seems to be my issue. it bubbles up every now and again in these disproportionately explosive bursts, and for those few hours its pure desolation, self-blame and self-pity. at least there was noone on the recieving end this time. well not directly. the journal always seems like a vaguely unfair reallocation of angst. thing is, just as quickly these thoughts begin recoiling again, slipping into softly felt spaces in my mind. theyre still there i know. maybe they always will be. but sapped of their immediacy, they feel innocuous, and im ok again. strange isnt it?
i guess im still younger then id like to admit. with all this play at being wise and stable. ah. slow steps. it will fall for me one day.
i guess im still younger then id like to admit. with all this play at being wise and stable. ah. slow steps. it will fall for me one day.