[For Peter] Timed 1 January 2011

[broken_brushes]

Back home, I'd never been much of a drinker. I'd always preferred caffeine to alcohol-Drinks that brought you up, made you want to move rather than slow you down. On the island, though, it was actually easier to get alcohol, and over the years, it had become one of those things I let myself do as a means of self-medication-Which is, for the

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[rhymingdevil]

Years of playing baseball on teams meant I was used to bleachers full of fans but those fans were usually the cheering type. This one was lone and solitary and judging from the hair color, probably Shari or Savannah. I was a little too far away and had only seen her from the corner of my eye, but it was enough to make me pause.

I'd put Shari to bed the night before and left her house quietly, not wanting to wake her up after she'd finally crashed. I'd gone back to the hut I shared with Savannah and all was well, but if she was here to talk, I owed her the opportunity to listen.

I put down the ball I'd been throwing into a pretty-pathetic snowman and crossed the diamond to settle next to her.

"Happy New Year?"

Always good to celebrate the holiday of choice.

[broken_brushes]

"I'll guess I start this conversation by saying I'm sorry," I began, canting my head to afford Peter a wry look from under my knit hat. "I could offer excuses but I'd rather not. I did bring coffee, though, if you want some. Just made."

[rhymingdevil]

"Coffee, I like," I said, trying not to make Shari feel bad. I hadn't really faulted her for getting drunk and making a pass at me; we both knew there was something there and being drunk always lowered a person's inhibitions.

"Excuses aren't really necessary anyway, even if that was your style."

[broken_brushes]

"They always seem like such a cop out," I explained as I popped the cup off the top of the thermos and began twisting off the cap. "I wouldn't do that to you. I mean, apparently I'll drunkenly try to feel you up, but I won't ply you with excuses. Here." I passed him the cup, coffee steaming inside.

[rhymingdevil]

"Normally, I wouldn't mind a little drunken making out," I admitted, and instantly wanted to take it back. That made me sound like a perv, which I wasn't, and I wasn't the kind of guy to take advantage of a girl.

I took a gulp of coffee instead, figuring it'd be better to burn off my taste buds than say something else stupid.

[broken_brushes]

"Me either, but it wasn't fair, and I just wanted to make sure you knew that," I replied as I peered down into the steam curling up from the thermos. I took a tiny sip and then capped it again.

"Things are different here," I sighed, and slid my gaze back to Peter again. "I wish they weren't. You were like… God, you were my dream guy back in high school, you know? But this isn't high school and I look at you in this place and aside from me being an asshole, you're happy. And I'm terrified. Stone cold, can't move, the Shadow kind of terrified."

[rhymingdevil]

"Maybe you should do the therapy thing," I suggested, then wanted to take it back. I didn't think it was a bad thing, therapy, and I felt like I was making a decent amount of progress.

"I mean, if you want. I almost like it now. But you have to admit people disappearing on you...anyone would be a little messed up from that."

[broken_brushes]

"I don't have a problem with therapy," I said, rolling the thermos between my mittens. "I think it's a good thing. I go in and talk to someone from time to time. Not regularly or anything, but. I've had some bad periods." I glanced up to Peter. "Way worse than this. The thing is, it's difficult to fight a paranoia that just happens to be completely founded and constantly supported."

Sighing, I leaned back, bracing my elbows against the row of seats behind us as I peered up at the pale blue sky. "I think it was Jimmy that really did it," I whispered. "I just gave up, after that. I don't think life is supposed to be about what I want, this time, Peter."

[rhymingdevil]

"Maybe you should just take it as it comes," I suggested, woefully unprepared to give advice about this. I hadn't been here long enough to lose anyone and when I'd died, I'd been selfish and thought only about me. I was working on that, but it was a slow process.

"C'est la vie and all that?"

[broken_brushes]

"I think not getting drunk and trying to seduce my friends would probably be a good idea, too," I added, tipping Peter a wry smirk. Heaving a sigh, I pushed myself forward again, gaze dropping to the impressions of our feet in the snow.

"I didn't actually want you to move out," I quietly told him. "I was scared and conflicted, and." I stopped, swallowing as I considered what I wanted to say. "I guess what I mean is I'm sorry it went the way it did. Sometimes I do this thing where I push people away, and it's like I just watch myself do it and don't know how to stop myself."

[rhymingdevil]

"I guess asking you to stop that would be dumb," I said after a few moments of silence, scuffing up a little pile of snow with my shoe and smoothing it over. "I didn't want to move out either, but I think it was a good idea at the time. I didn't want to upset you anymore."

I sighed a little and looked at her. "I can't turn off how I feel. I guess I shouldn't have told you."

[broken_brushes]

"I don't think it was you telling me that was the problem, Peter. It was just so sudden, and the timing really sucked. Obviously you couldn't have known that, though. I'm not sorry I know, I'm just sorry it happened the way it did."

My gaze strayed to where he was toeing at the snow, and I nudged his foot with my own. "I love you, you know. I always did. I just don't know if I can love you the way you need me to, right now."

[rhymingdevil]

I nudged her foot back and tried to resist the urge to get angry. Part of me jumped for joy any time she gave me the slightest inkling that she wanted me only to be crushed when she decided she didn't. I was tired of the hot and cold.

"Can I make a suggestion then? Can we stop with the hot and cold? I get if you're not ready and that's fine, but I don't...you can't kiss me and regret it over and over again. I'm not kissing back anymore."

[broken_brushes]

I couldn't help it; I was offended. It wasn't like I was toying with Peter. Sure, I could sympathize with what he was saying, but he was acting like I was kissing him and pushing him away everyday.

I frowned. "Twice. I've kissed you twice, and I never said I regretted the first time. You'd just gotten here and I was excited and it happened. And I take responsibility for what I did last night, but don't act as if you didn't know I was drunk or what that meant. You were fully capable of saying no. You want me to stop with the hot and cold, fine. You need to stop acting so damned wounded because I try to be nice to you."

[rhymingdevil]

"I probably shouldn't have kissed you last night," I conceded, curling my hand into a fist and trying to keep my voice even and my tone pleasant. It was a struggle, believe me.

"It's not like I meant to take advantage when you launched yourself on me."

[broken_brushes]

"Can we please stop this now?" I asked, and heaved and exasperated sigh. It was impossible to know Peter as well as I did and not notice the tenseness of his posture. "It's all my fault, is that what you want me to say? Fine. I'm selfish and screwed up, Peter, and I'm sorry if I hurt you. It won't happen again." I wasn't used to minding myself so closely, but I could do it if it meant we could stop arguing all the time.