(no subject)
I really just don’t know anything anymore=/
I thought everything was just perfect but boy was I completely wrong. Everything is far from perfect, I have never been like this before…& the ones who bother to notice at school I’m not myself and it’s quite horrible Jessica knows more than anyone about it all* && today me and my girl savannah…(I love you baba and I’m glad we went walkin/&/talking tonight it was great I needed it & I missed spending time with my home gurl!) I just don’t know what to do or say or to be these days. I’m in this crazy mixed up funk sorta depression thing. I’m really startin’ to scare myself. I don’t even know the person I’ve become anymore. i mean how could I have just been used like that?? I mean he knew what happened….he knew---jess knows….but still he knew!!! Goshhhh he says he’s scared to love me after all he’s been through….yeah he’s been through a lot but I have too I mean HELLO and not even a % of you all that would make 8% know what I’m talking about because I’ve kept it inside of me all these years and that’s some hard stuff. But I went ahead and gave him my heart I put myself out there on the line for real for the first time…you say that you’re scared of me hurting you when you’re the one who keeps on hurting me. I pray to God you’re reading this and you realize how deep you have cut me. Without you I can’t live right, you were the other part of my soul…you made me who I was and now that you’re not here you took the rest of my heart and soul with you so im cold, it’s like in a way I’m not even really here.
I thought about doin’ a lot of stuff last night and today, but I haven’t yet and I donno if I will, but I think I just might so for at least a day I won’t have to feel this pain and carry this burden with me. I would have no problems. But I know once its over they’d just come back on me ever worse but it’d be worth it just to have a day where I’m not constantly thinking about you. No one could even possibly begin to imagine what all I am feeling and going through. I mean I’m not saying anyone else doesn’t have any problems because that’s not true at all. But I don’t want a bunch of lame ass comments telling me how you all know EXACTLY the way I feel when you don’t even have a clue, because I’m not even certain on how I feel. All I know is that this is the worst pain I have ever been through and for a 15 year old girl I just don’t know how much more I can take before something snaps inside of me that I don’t want to snap =/----I’ve practically turned my back on God and shewww that’s not good at all and that’s only making things worse on me but hey it’s my life and I have choices im going to make that are gonna lead me down the wrong path but I’m just going to have to straighten myself up and get back on the right path. I never knew loving you could hurt so much, I don’t think YOU could even imagine how much I love and care for you. If you only knew, if only----but I’m not giving up on you just yet I still have a great fight in me and I’m not givin up hope until I literally die and that’s not a joke. I would do absolutely ANYTHING for you, I mean die, cut off my arm or leg, climb the highest mountain swim to the deepest of the seas, anything…I’d do it in a heartbeat just for you* you have my heart and you haven’t given it back to me yet and until you give it back to me Imma stay this way and it’s completely horrible.
I see people being happy and i wanna puke, I hear people laughing I wanna scream, I see people loving I wanna puke, I hear people telling someone how much they love them and I wann scream, I see myself and I wanna puke, I listen to what I’ve become and all I can do is scream-the music drowns out the sound of my pain----…I see you and all I wanna do is to have one look from you, that look that tells me that you love me and everything is going to be okay!
EDiT...SoNG....shewwww? Crawling Back To You Lyrics Everybody knows That I was such a fool To ever let go of you But baby I was wrong And yeah I know I said We'd be better off alone It was time that we moved on I know I broke your heart I didn't mean to break your heart But baby, here I am Chorus: Banging on your front door My pride's spilled on the floor My hands and knees are bruised And I'm crawling back to you Begging for a second chance Are you gonna let me in? I was running from the truth And now I'm crawling back to you I know you're in there And you can make me wait But I'm not gonna wait It's the least that I can do Just to tell you face to face I was lying to myself Now I'm dying in this hell Girl, I know you're mad I can't blame you for being mad But baby, here I am Chorus: Banging on your front door My pride's spilled on the floor My hands and knees are bruised And now I'm crawling back to you Begging for a second chance Are you gonna let me in? I was running from the truth And now I'm crawling back to you If you could see these tears I'm crying Touch these hands that can't stop shaking Hear my heart that's barely beating You would see a different man But baby, here I am Chorus: Banging on your front door My pride's spilled on the floor My hands and knees are bruised And I'm crawling back to you Begging for a second chance Are you gonna let me in? I was running from the truth And now I'm crawling back to you Banging on your front door My pride's spilled on the floor I was running from the truth And now I'm crawling back to you Yeah! Now I'm crawling back to you (Crawling back to you) Crawling back to you (Crawling back to you)
I’m not okay…