(no subject)
ok so yesterday was the worst day ever. right up with the day that brandy died. ok, so i already wrote about the little convo (last entry) and well i was like so hurt. he never calls me anymore hes always like that to me now online. i was BAWLING yesterday, im serious. i couldnt stop. i had to focus on breathingsome of the times. i wanted to call jake and ask him about it but i was wayy to nervous. so i called carlene. and i was crying when i was talking to her too. we talked for about a half hour, had to cool me down a bit lol. then i was like ok, ill call him now. and i get off the phone. pray to god that nothing bad will happen. start crying again. wait another like 10 mins to cool down. cuz you know i didnt want him thinkin i was crying. i called him.. and this is our conversation..
"hey jake?"
"yeah"
-- like 5 sec pause-- ( i couldnt get myself to say it)
" do you like hate me now.. -- 3 secs pause -- or something?"
"no"
"oh"
-- 3 sec pause --
"why would you say that?"
"idk. your like always mean to me online and you like ignore me. or like call me anymore"
-- 5 sec pause --
"oh. ive been really busy lately"
"oh. okay"
"yeah"
-- yet another pause --
"well ill talk to you later"
"k"
"bye"
"bye"
so theres our conversation. lots of pauses. kinda awkard. i didnt think much of the "ive been busy lately" comment. but then i went to arbys w/ carlene and told her that and her jaw like dropped. i was like woah what? and i guess it means that idk. another girl or something. i forgot what she said mostly. lol. who really knows. i got all teary eyed at arbys a couple times. =(. but its like so depressing. i mean i couldnt stop crying yesterday. except during swimming. but once i got home, it was all - here comes the water works. and what hurts even more is that i still like love him so much. not like serious love but a hell of a lot stronger likeing. like if he were to call me and be all good again, i would take him back. and another thing is that i have no idea what happenend. its like weds- he calls me, we have a long good conversation. thurs- i get mad at him. friday-monday he like hates me. so i was like maybe it was cuz i was mad at him. but its like thats the reason he gave up on me? i mean we'd talk for hourssss like everyday. and he just hates me cuz i was mad at him for like a half hour? it doesnt make sense to me. i hate this confusion. i really do. i just want him and only him. and i was thinking maybe its karma. maybe im getting what i deserved. but its liek what did i do to deserve this? like the only thing i could think of was that i stole from jc pennys that one time. but i think this punishment is a little harsh then. and like when he called me for the first time i was like okay, nothings going to happen from this. im not going to get all into him. i dont want to be one of those depressed hearbroken girls. and it happens anyways. but its like c'mon at least let me now what i did. and who knows maybe this isnt even anything. maybe he has been busy. maybe he doesnt hate me. idk. i want to ask lia. but idk. i almost started crying in earth science. no tears came, but i had to look up at the ceiling cuz if i blinked then there would be tears. so idk. its just like okay, i really like this kid and he really likes me and then i get all happy and then BAM he hates me. i hate it. and im going to kill off the male population.