you cant handle love
he abandon me last night. i was hoping for help.
my room is pitch black, im deathly afraid of the dark. it feels bright. i still close my eyes to make sure its as dark as possible. its 1:40am.
i wish hed call back to protect me, to atleast let me know everything is okay. so many times have i been in an argument with someone, and they walk away from it feeling fine. i on the other hand for some reason have a hard time letting things go unless they are all talked out. i use to get so mad at my mom, id break everything in the room because she would just think things would be fine the next day after we had gotten in a fight. i had so much anger built up from my feelings being set the the side, breaking anything from a pencil to a 200 dollar wine glass gave me a high feeling. it dulled my emotions when i couldnt get them out. when i found that pain anything from waxing, tattoos, rubbing your skin raw, to cutting deep makes me feel good, actually great. i enjoy it. it wasnt effecting anyone else. your pissed off, you cut, your over it..no need to hold anything againest anyone. i no longer have a desire to scream at someone, to try to hurt their feelings or get "revenge". i rather just cut, i do feel gulity about it. i hide it from everyone, its a very embarrsing habit and very much looked down upon due to emo goth fuckers. its my own habit. not his, im tired of being scared to talk to him about it. is it even worth talking about? i hope he calls me. i find him the most comforting person to me ever. i really needed him tonight, and thats a hard thing to ask someone, so when i finally finally get the sober courage to talk to him, he has to go. i feel horribly alone, its not the scary type of alone, its just alone. quite and dark. nothing to catch my eye, or my attention. i just lay here thinking, reherasing what i want to say, maybe he isnt wanting someone with my problems. i keep wondering if hell get online or call me. hes my ideal guy, hes a great friend and an ever better boyfriend. our small disagreements are short, and normalling over his smoking or something even less important. he makes me beyond happy, and thats why im hoping hell see how much i need him right now. i really want to call him to let him know i still care about him and love him, but i just cant. through thick and thin.
the breaking of the skin was so loud, it was everywhere.
my room is pitch black, im deathly afraid of the dark. it feels bright. i still close my eyes to make sure its as dark as possible. its 1:40am.
i wish hed call back to protect me, to atleast let me know everything is okay. so many times have i been in an argument with someone, and they walk away from it feeling fine. i on the other hand for some reason have a hard time letting things go unless they are all talked out. i use to get so mad at my mom, id break everything in the room because she would just think things would be fine the next day after we had gotten in a fight. i had so much anger built up from my feelings being set the the side, breaking anything from a pencil to a 200 dollar wine glass gave me a high feeling. it dulled my emotions when i couldnt get them out. when i found that pain anything from waxing, tattoos, rubbing your skin raw, to cutting deep makes me feel good, actually great. i enjoy it. it wasnt effecting anyone else. your pissed off, you cut, your over it..no need to hold anything againest anyone. i no longer have a desire to scream at someone, to try to hurt their feelings or get "revenge". i rather just cut, i do feel gulity about it. i hide it from everyone, its a very embarrsing habit and very much looked down upon due to emo goth fuckers. its my own habit. not his, im tired of being scared to talk to him about it. is it even worth talking about? i hope he calls me. i find him the most comforting person to me ever. i really needed him tonight, and thats a hard thing to ask someone, so when i finally finally get the sober courage to talk to him, he has to go. i feel horribly alone, its not the scary type of alone, its just alone. quite and dark. nothing to catch my eye, or my attention. i just lay here thinking, reherasing what i want to say, maybe he isnt wanting someone with my problems. i keep wondering if hell get online or call me. hes my ideal guy, hes a great friend and an ever better boyfriend. our small disagreements are short, and normalling over his smoking or something even less important. he makes me beyond happy, and thats why im hoping hell see how much i need him right now. i really want to call him to let him know i still care about him and love him, but i just cant. through thick and thin.
the breaking of the skin was so loud, it was everywhere.