(no subject)
An old, fimiliar feeling hit me tonight.. and it hit hard. I'm not sure exactly what brought it on, but I'm sure it was a combination of Matt, MattM, New York, Florida withdrawals, and Sweet Home Alabama - since I watched that tonight. This feeling.. so strong, so bittersweet - filled with emptiness, if that makes any sense. I've just realized how vulnerable I am.. how I've tried to latch onto anything here that will give me momentary comfort - food, boys, etc. I know Matt is not the guy for me.. but I've been stuck on him from the minute I met him, and why? Because he was there.. the first one that paid me attention.. so I let myself get emotionally attached when there was really no point to it. And MattM? Nice guy, really.. but I've called him three times in the past two days (including tonight after he'd asked me to call) and he's yet to answer/call back. I feel so incredibly stupid for calling him.
So this feeling I felt tonight was so intense.. I want to emotionally detach myself from everything. I remember how easy it was before.. back when I didn't care what happened.. when I didn't let boys get to me. It's a lonely place, yes.. but sometimes I'd rather be lonely than hurt. I tend to set my hopes high and the only solution to this problem is to release hope altogether. I need to stop seeing boys in this school, first of all. Second, I need to get away from all the food I'm eating. Can I tell you a secret? I bought laxatives today at the store. It's been over two months since I last took any.. and I miss them. They were my quick fix to a stupid mistake of eating too much. I know, I know.. they don't take weight off.. but they certainly made me feel lighter. And I need to stop eating.. I need to stay away from the caf. That'll solve two problems: food, and being around these boys.
I need to take my mind off of these drowning issues. I need to focus on school, reading, writing poems again (it's been too long), running, music, and alcohol. I need to have my guy friends but keep them all at a safe distance. I'm going to begin wearing a bracelet.. one that will remind me that food is impure, boys are pain, and I don't need either of them. I realize this may sound extreme, like I'm taking two steps back.. but you must realize this is what I need.. at least for now.
Oh, and can I admit one more secret? My roommate had surgery this weekend.. and was prescribed a bottle of vocadin.. a painkiller.. 500mg pills. I stole three. I wanted to take more, but I figured it'd be too obvious. Know something else? I don't feel guilty. That's so wrong of me.. but I feel I need them more than her.. is that selfish?
I don't deserve to live. And I am on the edge of finding something sharp. This isn't a threat.. just.. a confession.
So this feeling I felt tonight was so intense.. I want to emotionally detach myself from everything. I remember how easy it was before.. back when I didn't care what happened.. when I didn't let boys get to me. It's a lonely place, yes.. but sometimes I'd rather be lonely than hurt. I tend to set my hopes high and the only solution to this problem is to release hope altogether. I need to stop seeing boys in this school, first of all. Second, I need to get away from all the food I'm eating. Can I tell you a secret? I bought laxatives today at the store. It's been over two months since I last took any.. and I miss them. They were my quick fix to a stupid mistake of eating too much. I know, I know.. they don't take weight off.. but they certainly made me feel lighter. And I need to stop eating.. I need to stay away from the caf. That'll solve two problems: food, and being around these boys.
I need to take my mind off of these drowning issues. I need to focus on school, reading, writing poems again (it's been too long), running, music, and alcohol. I need to have my guy friends but keep them all at a safe distance. I'm going to begin wearing a bracelet.. one that will remind me that food is impure, boys are pain, and I don't need either of them. I realize this may sound extreme, like I'm taking two steps back.. but you must realize this is what I need.. at least for now.
Oh, and can I admit one more secret? My roommate had surgery this weekend.. and was prescribed a bottle of vocadin.. a painkiller.. 500mg pills. I stole three. I wanted to take more, but I figured it'd be too obvious. Know something else? I don't feel guilty. That's so wrong of me.. but I feel I need them more than her.. is that selfish?
I don't deserve to live. And I am on the edge of finding something sharp. This isn't a threat.. just.. a confession.