Listen up YO!
Why lie? I love her. It's as simple as that and I've known that for over a year and a half now. But I've denied it and I'm kicking myself in the ass for everything that happened in April of 2004. So... for those of you who don't know the whole deal why don't I go through everything eh?
Before I get there, though, I already talked to you about this Ben but Ms. Clarissa (I hope I spelled that correctly... I'm bad with name spelling though) you're welcome to comment in my journal any time you want to. I know your mom told you not to but I say you're allowed so =P
Anyway... lets get started on the story. We'll go back to February and March of 2004 when a whole bunch of us that were gonna be at CP that season used to have these big chats. Some of us were returners... others were first years. It was all just kinda to get to know each other and talk to the "newbies" about what the season would be like. Tara and I met after this kid greg (who is creepy and smelly) was giving her a whole hell of a lot of problems. He was being stalkerish and just plain... creepy lol. So me and her started to talk and, although I've denied it for a long time, I knew there was something special about her. We ended up dating for a couple of weeks and things were perfect until I went on a cruise with my parents.
After I came back from the cruise something was said to me about marriage on her part that I took entirely in the wrong way. But I brushed it off. Keep in mind I took the comment the wrong way. I thought she was saying she was talking about wanting to get married to me already when what she was actually saying was that her Uncle told her not to run off and get married (Thats not word for word, but it's the general jist of things). So on April 13th I headed back to the point for clean up week. Enter creepy greg again. When I met him, and after getting to know him originally, I (for whatever reason) started thinking that maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all. And thats when he got in my ear....
And he stayed in my ear over the next few days to a week. The first weekend of cleanup (I think it was the first at least) I was supposed to go up to Michigan and hang out with Tara. Didn't happen... with everything that had happened over the previous week and a half I basically ended things because of stuff Greg was telling me that was all flat out lies, and the fact that I'm a dumbass. Anyway... I was over at 801 (word up lol) when Tara and I talked on the phone. Me, not really wanting to do what I was about to do, told her a lie about why I couldn't come up there because I lost my wallet and didn't have money to pay for gas. Yeah... stupid lie... should've just had the balls to say things flat out but I can't change the past. Anyway I ended up emailing her (I think it was email... it could've been AIM) telling her that I didn't think we should be together anymore.
And that was that... a few other things happened over the next few months that are funny now that I look back on them. She came up onto platform a few times, once with Ben. The one time she refused to put her lap bar down on Mean Streak because she wanted me to do it (the little brat lol.) But later on in the season we kind of worked things out friendshipwise when I showed up at Cad Cars. We didn't talk a whole lot immediately but after the season was over (and Mike had cheated on her the FIRST time) we started talking more and thats continued through this year and up until this week when everything blew up. He spent his birthday not with her, but with some other chick. Tara and Mike were on a "break" at this point but that was just supposed to be until Danielle left (which of course Danielle didn't know). And from then on, since he's been hanging out with this Danielle girl, day by day we've found out that he's been cheating on her for a LONG time. Long being a month or two at the least I think.
That brings us to today. What brought us to today is the fact that douche bag Mike wouldn't let Tara get her shit out of his room the night before. Enter phone call from Tara's mom. A long phone call which consisted of me losing signal on my cell phone, my cell phone battery dying, me coming home and putting my phone on the charger and then text messaging Tara's mom and asking her to call my appartment, her calling my appartment and having her cell phone lose its signal, and finally wrapping up with the decision that I wuold be up at Cedar Point the next day (today) with her and Ben.
Now i'll admit, the day didn't exactly start of peachy keene but it ended up getting there. And to be honest, it's the happiest I've been in a long long time. But it was rough too. Because, like I said at the begining of this, I love her. And not the brotherly, friendly kind of love. I love this girl more than she'll ever possibly know and it kills me inside knowing that if I would've just listened to my heart instead of creepy greg that she wouldn't be hurting so much inside right now.
So the events of today contained some good and some bad. My oppinion of Mikes douchebagness was solidified even more so than before. He played with her mind when I first showed up this morning and he continued to do it all day long. Thankfully Tara's mom put her foot down and told Mike's parents what a two timing, cheating pile of crap he really is. Game, set and match Tara's mom.
How did it get to that point though, you ask. Well... we had been walking around the park most of the day and didn't run into Mike or his family and it was starting to get close to Park closing time ( a little more than an hour till Park close) when I tried to convince Tara to ride Thunder Canyon, but being the stubborn woman that she is she refused to ride so instead we relaxed and watched the rafts float down the flume for a little while. Enter Mike, with Danielle, and family.
I guess I'm glad that Ben stopped me from going down and "talking" to him and instead went down there and had a few words of his own. But, with everything I had learned throughout the day, my temper was soaring higher than I think it's ever been before and I decided that I was going to stomp the little son of a bitch into the ground like I had been itching to all day long. But, and thankfully cooler heads were around me at the time, Tara and Tara's mom slammed me into a rail and wouldn't let me do anything.
Now... the day got a little big rough here for me because I ended up walking over to get a drink from over by Wave Swinger (Mike and Crew were going in the opposite direction) where Tara and I ended up getting into a little bit of a disagreement. Looking back on it I wish I would've said that I promised I wouldn't do anything but I'm just as stubborn as the next person and couldn't get passed my pride to do so. The thing is, though, I wasn't going to kick Mike's ass because I hate him. I was going to kick Mike's ass because he treated the girl that I love, the girl that I would treat like a princess, terribly. It didn't get me anywhere I wanted to go, though, because she told me... and I quote "If you can't handle being in the park with him here then maybe you should leave." It hurt, I won't lie at all. My heart hurt like hell right then and I almost left. But, after thinking about things, I knew that I had to stay for her. Whether she was pushing me away at the moment or not didn't matter... I needed to be there for her even if, at that moment, she was upset with me.
So the day finished with Tara's mom ripping Mike a new ass and telling Mike's parents what a horrible person Mike is. And then Mike ended up getting caught in even more lies as Danielle and Tara ended up talking for a while with Tara's mom. So... now that the story is done here are some simple facts...
I have no idea if Tara and I will ever get back together. I really don't know. As I sit here tonight, pouring my heart and my feelings into this post, I know that there's a possibility that even after everything Mike has done to her... she still might take him back. It would kill me inside if that happened. But deep down I think she knows she can't put herself through that again. Thats where I come in, and no I'm not going to be the kind of dude that jumps in and takes advantage of a vulnerable girl. I'll wait for her if she's willing to have me eventually. Hell... I'll wait for her even if she won't. Because she's special to me. Nobodies perfect... I'm not... no one is. But, she's perfect for me. Everything about her is perfect. Simple as that... you don't have to be perfect for everyone in the world... just one person and she's perfect in my eyes. And to me thats all that matters.
So yes... I know there's people that are going to read this who are my friends, that will be upset at me feeling this way. I'm sorry... but you guys are just going to have to deal with it because this is me... this is my heart and it's what I want. It's who I want. Like her or not, I want nothing more than to be able to wrap my arms around her and say that she's mine and vice versa. If you think any less of me because of this... then I guess you aren't really my friends. Because love is love... and as Matt Damon said in Good Will Hunting.... "I have to go and see about a girl"... but not just any girl... THE girl.
This is the longest post i've ever written in my life I think. But I had a lot I needed to get off my chest and get out into the open. I guess we'll see who my real friends are after this one, won't we?
(For those who aren't closely related to this situation, and even those who are... I realize the potential here for me ending up heartbroken again. But for the first time in so SO long... I'm willing to risk myself and my heart for someone. It's worth it... It is beyond worth it.)
And Tara... I know you're going to either read this yourself or have your sister or Ben read it to you. You know where to find me when you're ready... and I promise that when you are... if you ever are... i'll be here waiting with open arms.
Before I get there, though, I already talked to you about this Ben but Ms. Clarissa (I hope I spelled that correctly... I'm bad with name spelling though) you're welcome to comment in my journal any time you want to. I know your mom told you not to but I say you're allowed so =P
Anyway... lets get started on the story. We'll go back to February and March of 2004 when a whole bunch of us that were gonna be at CP that season used to have these big chats. Some of us were returners... others were first years. It was all just kinda to get to know each other and talk to the "newbies" about what the season would be like. Tara and I met after this kid greg (who is creepy and smelly) was giving her a whole hell of a lot of problems. He was being stalkerish and just plain... creepy lol. So me and her started to talk and, although I've denied it for a long time, I knew there was something special about her. We ended up dating for a couple of weeks and things were perfect until I went on a cruise with my parents.
After I came back from the cruise something was said to me about marriage on her part that I took entirely in the wrong way. But I brushed it off. Keep in mind I took the comment the wrong way. I thought she was saying she was talking about wanting to get married to me already when what she was actually saying was that her Uncle told her not to run off and get married (Thats not word for word, but it's the general jist of things). So on April 13th I headed back to the point for clean up week. Enter creepy greg again. When I met him, and after getting to know him originally, I (for whatever reason) started thinking that maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all. And thats when he got in my ear....
And he stayed in my ear over the next few days to a week. The first weekend of cleanup (I think it was the first at least) I was supposed to go up to Michigan and hang out with Tara. Didn't happen... with everything that had happened over the previous week and a half I basically ended things because of stuff Greg was telling me that was all flat out lies, and the fact that I'm a dumbass. Anyway... I was over at 801 (word up lol) when Tara and I talked on the phone. Me, not really wanting to do what I was about to do, told her a lie about why I couldn't come up there because I lost my wallet and didn't have money to pay for gas. Yeah... stupid lie... should've just had the balls to say things flat out but I can't change the past. Anyway I ended up emailing her (I think it was email... it could've been AIM) telling her that I didn't think we should be together anymore.
And that was that... a few other things happened over the next few months that are funny now that I look back on them. She came up onto platform a few times, once with Ben. The one time she refused to put her lap bar down on Mean Streak because she wanted me to do it (the little brat lol.) But later on in the season we kind of worked things out friendshipwise when I showed up at Cad Cars. We didn't talk a whole lot immediately but after the season was over (and Mike had cheated on her the FIRST time) we started talking more and thats continued through this year and up until this week when everything blew up. He spent his birthday not with her, but with some other chick. Tara and Mike were on a "break" at this point but that was just supposed to be until Danielle left (which of course Danielle didn't know). And from then on, since he's been hanging out with this Danielle girl, day by day we've found out that he's been cheating on her for a LONG time. Long being a month or two at the least I think.
That brings us to today. What brought us to today is the fact that douche bag Mike wouldn't let Tara get her shit out of his room the night before. Enter phone call from Tara's mom. A long phone call which consisted of me losing signal on my cell phone, my cell phone battery dying, me coming home and putting my phone on the charger and then text messaging Tara's mom and asking her to call my appartment, her calling my appartment and having her cell phone lose its signal, and finally wrapping up with the decision that I wuold be up at Cedar Point the next day (today) with her and Ben.
Now i'll admit, the day didn't exactly start of peachy keene but it ended up getting there. And to be honest, it's the happiest I've been in a long long time. But it was rough too. Because, like I said at the begining of this, I love her. And not the brotherly, friendly kind of love. I love this girl more than she'll ever possibly know and it kills me inside knowing that if I would've just listened to my heart instead of creepy greg that she wouldn't be hurting so much inside right now.
So the events of today contained some good and some bad. My oppinion of Mikes douchebagness was solidified even more so than before. He played with her mind when I first showed up this morning and he continued to do it all day long. Thankfully Tara's mom put her foot down and told Mike's parents what a two timing, cheating pile of crap he really is. Game, set and match Tara's mom.
How did it get to that point though, you ask. Well... we had been walking around the park most of the day and didn't run into Mike or his family and it was starting to get close to Park closing time ( a little more than an hour till Park close) when I tried to convince Tara to ride Thunder Canyon, but being the stubborn woman that she is she refused to ride so instead we relaxed and watched the rafts float down the flume for a little while. Enter Mike, with Danielle, and family.
I guess I'm glad that Ben stopped me from going down and "talking" to him and instead went down there and had a few words of his own. But, with everything I had learned throughout the day, my temper was soaring higher than I think it's ever been before and I decided that I was going to stomp the little son of a bitch into the ground like I had been itching to all day long. But, and thankfully cooler heads were around me at the time, Tara and Tara's mom slammed me into a rail and wouldn't let me do anything.
Now... the day got a little big rough here for me because I ended up walking over to get a drink from over by Wave Swinger (Mike and Crew were going in the opposite direction) where Tara and I ended up getting into a little bit of a disagreement. Looking back on it I wish I would've said that I promised I wouldn't do anything but I'm just as stubborn as the next person and couldn't get passed my pride to do so. The thing is, though, I wasn't going to kick Mike's ass because I hate him. I was going to kick Mike's ass because he treated the girl that I love, the girl that I would treat like a princess, terribly. It didn't get me anywhere I wanted to go, though, because she told me... and I quote "If you can't handle being in the park with him here then maybe you should leave." It hurt, I won't lie at all. My heart hurt like hell right then and I almost left. But, after thinking about things, I knew that I had to stay for her. Whether she was pushing me away at the moment or not didn't matter... I needed to be there for her even if, at that moment, she was upset with me.
So the day finished with Tara's mom ripping Mike a new ass and telling Mike's parents what a horrible person Mike is. And then Mike ended up getting caught in even more lies as Danielle and Tara ended up talking for a while with Tara's mom. So... now that the story is done here are some simple facts...
I have no idea if Tara and I will ever get back together. I really don't know. As I sit here tonight, pouring my heart and my feelings into this post, I know that there's a possibility that even after everything Mike has done to her... she still might take him back. It would kill me inside if that happened. But deep down I think she knows she can't put herself through that again. Thats where I come in, and no I'm not going to be the kind of dude that jumps in and takes advantage of a vulnerable girl. I'll wait for her if she's willing to have me eventually. Hell... I'll wait for her even if she won't. Because she's special to me. Nobodies perfect... I'm not... no one is. But, she's perfect for me. Everything about her is perfect. Simple as that... you don't have to be perfect for everyone in the world... just one person and she's perfect in my eyes. And to me thats all that matters.
So yes... I know there's people that are going to read this who are my friends, that will be upset at me feeling this way. I'm sorry... but you guys are just going to have to deal with it because this is me... this is my heart and it's what I want. It's who I want. Like her or not, I want nothing more than to be able to wrap my arms around her and say that she's mine and vice versa. If you think any less of me because of this... then I guess you aren't really my friends. Because love is love... and as Matt Damon said in Good Will Hunting.... "I have to go and see about a girl"... but not just any girl... THE girl.
This is the longest post i've ever written in my life I think. But I had a lot I needed to get off my chest and get out into the open. I guess we'll see who my real friends are after this one, won't we?
(For those who aren't closely related to this situation, and even those who are... I realize the potential here for me ending up heartbroken again. But for the first time in so SO long... I'm willing to risk myself and my heart for someone. It's worth it... It is beyond worth it.)
And Tara... I know you're going to either read this yourself or have your sister or Ben read it to you. You know where to find me when you're ready... and I promise that when you are... if you ever are... i'll be here waiting with open arms.