Feeling Hopeless
I just realized that I haven't posted on here in like 3 months. My bad. I've become a live journal slacker. There's been so much going on with me, I don't really know where to start. I'm still in school, and still not out. Pretty much everyone just thinks I'm gay. Right now, I'm going to let them think that because I'm still not ready to come out. I want to, but I'm scared. I'm scared of what my parents would do, and honestly, I'm relying on them alot. Mostly for medical insurance. I stopped seeing my therapist, it just was going nowhere. He didn't know anything about TG and really offered me no help except to just try and focus on how things could be 5 years from now. I still see a psychatrist, but I've quit the whole therapy thing.
I watched part of the MSNBC special "Born in the Wrong Body" tonight, and it really made me pretty sad. Sad and jealous. I'm jealous that those people are in the transition, and sad that I don't have the balls to do it myself right now. Part of me wonders if I ever will, or if I will just supress it and live my life being a miserable female. *ugh*. I must say that Michelle has been a big support to me over the last few months. She does really well at using male pronouns and referring to me as her boyfriend. That helps a lot. I'm missing her so much right now. It's awful. She's having back surgery in the morning and I can't be there.
I finally worked up the nerve to look up the number for a gyno. I really don't want to go, but I need to. I've never been, and I'm 21. Sad, I know. I don't want to go because guys don't go to the gyno. I don't want go because I'm afraid the exam will send me into flashbacks from when I was attacked. I keep telling myself that I need to just do it and get it over with. Hopefully I can get on one of the birth controls where you don't have a period because that would help a TON. That time of the month is not only very painful, but very depressing.
I'm considering looking into breast reduction. I have a lot of back pain and soreness and while my mom keeps arguing that I just need to wear a good bra and not my binder (she thinks it's just under armour), I'm thinking that maybe the insurance would pay for it. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot. Right now, I need to get the doctor appointment scheduled and out of the way. School will be out in 2 weeks and then hopefully I can really start figuring things out. It just seems kinda hopeless tonight. Maybe it will be better in the morning, I sure hope so.
I watched part of the MSNBC special "Born in the Wrong Body" tonight, and it really made me pretty sad. Sad and jealous. I'm jealous that those people are in the transition, and sad that I don't have the balls to do it myself right now. Part of me wonders if I ever will, or if I will just supress it and live my life being a miserable female. *ugh*. I must say that Michelle has been a big support to me over the last few months. She does really well at using male pronouns and referring to me as her boyfriend. That helps a lot. I'm missing her so much right now. It's awful. She's having back surgery in the morning and I can't be there.
I finally worked up the nerve to look up the number for a gyno. I really don't want to go, but I need to. I've never been, and I'm 21. Sad, I know. I don't want to go because guys don't go to the gyno. I don't want go because I'm afraid the exam will send me into flashbacks from when I was attacked. I keep telling myself that I need to just do it and get it over with. Hopefully I can get on one of the birth controls where you don't have a period because that would help a TON. That time of the month is not only very painful, but very depressing.
I'm considering looking into breast reduction. I have a lot of back pain and soreness and while my mom keeps arguing that I just need to wear a good bra and not my binder (she thinks it's just under armour), I'm thinking that maybe the insurance would pay for it. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot. Right now, I need to get the doctor appointment scheduled and out of the way. School will be out in 2 weeks and then hopefully I can really start figuring things out. It just seems kinda hopeless tonight. Maybe it will be better in the morning, I sure hope so.