On the weekend, and the move, and other things....
HOLY CRAP.
I have been so out of the loop.
SO. OUT. OF. THE. LOOP.
....in other news, I have been completely self involved and self centered for a very long time now.
How is it possible to miss so much of someone who's right in front of you, seemingly unchanging? I have been sooo caught up in my own failures and mistakes that I've failed to see the beautiful and remarkable changes and victories going on in the lives of the people closest and most precious to me. I watched three people that I absolutely adore leave- move out and go away, and I know I'm not going to see them for a while. I feel like in my complete egotism I have lost some truly beautiful opportunities to just love them, to watch them grow in love, and to be really honestly excited for their new place and phase they're moving into. Lizzy graduated and was SO BEAUTIFUL for her graduation! JOHNNY's got a GIRLFRIEND! His girlfriend is SHELLY! Shelly is (*GASP*) INTERESTED IN DATING, and HAVING KIDS, and is growing in grace and beauty and Godliness every time I see her? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH ME? when did I start taking them for granted? WHEN DID I STOP SEEING THEM? was it more comfortable for me to not see change in them? was I afraid of what changes would occur? I've been so freaking out about school, and living in a new place, and no car, and new roommates, and trying to find a balance between seeing people and being a responsible adult....
when did I start lying to myself on a day to day basis?
when did this insideousness slip in and take over?
I'm living what I lied about.
now self examination feels like surgery done with a rusty spoon and no anesthetic.
I MISS THEM! I MISS THEM ALREADY! I WANT THEM TO COME BACK SO I CAN LOVE THEM AND APPRECIATE THEM, AND SEE THEM LIKE I SHOULD'VE DONE THIS WHOLE TIME.
The girls that knew me and have known me at the best and the worst and the in between, and REALLY SAW me and REALLY LOVED ME! The girls who played in mud puddles with me, and inspired my "bohemian" phase, and taught that the way I was made and created was some thing wonderful and worth being around, and held me when I cried, and came to see me sing in the middle of the day when they could've done other things, and shared their couch for six months, and shared their coffee with me,and talked for hours with me on the kitchen floor, and didn't want to leave because they wanted to be with ME! FOOLISH ME!
I just said goodbye and I watched them leave and
.... and it feels like crap. It really feels horrible, and I wish I could've stayed in the car with them and just kept on driving.
I wish I'd hugged Shelly longer. And told her she looked more and more beautiful everytime I saw her.
I wish that I'd kept the weird vase thing Lizzy offered me, and that I'd made her feel special this weekend.
I wish I'd let Johnny talk about stupid stuff more and not gotten impatient.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
I miss you already.
I have been so out of the loop.
SO. OUT. OF. THE. LOOP.
....in other news, I have been completely self involved and self centered for a very long time now.
How is it possible to miss so much of someone who's right in front of you, seemingly unchanging? I have been sooo caught up in my own failures and mistakes that I've failed to see the beautiful and remarkable changes and victories going on in the lives of the people closest and most precious to me. I watched three people that I absolutely adore leave- move out and go away, and I know I'm not going to see them for a while. I feel like in my complete egotism I have lost some truly beautiful opportunities to just love them, to watch them grow in love, and to be really honestly excited for their new place and phase they're moving into. Lizzy graduated and was SO BEAUTIFUL for her graduation! JOHNNY's got a GIRLFRIEND! His girlfriend is SHELLY! Shelly is (*GASP*) INTERESTED IN DATING, and HAVING KIDS, and is growing in grace and beauty and Godliness every time I see her? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH ME? when did I start taking them for granted? WHEN DID I STOP SEEING THEM? was it more comfortable for me to not see change in them? was I afraid of what changes would occur? I've been so freaking out about school, and living in a new place, and no car, and new roommates, and trying to find a balance between seeing people and being a responsible adult....
when did I start lying to myself on a day to day basis?
when did this insideousness slip in and take over?
I'm living what I lied about.
now self examination feels like surgery done with a rusty spoon and no anesthetic.
I MISS THEM! I MISS THEM ALREADY! I WANT THEM TO COME BACK SO I CAN LOVE THEM AND APPRECIATE THEM, AND SEE THEM LIKE I SHOULD'VE DONE THIS WHOLE TIME.
The girls that knew me and have known me at the best and the worst and the in between, and REALLY SAW me and REALLY LOVED ME! The girls who played in mud puddles with me, and inspired my "bohemian" phase, and taught that the way I was made and created was some thing wonderful and worth being around, and held me when I cried, and came to see me sing in the middle of the day when they could've done other things, and shared their couch for six months, and shared their coffee with me,and talked for hours with me on the kitchen floor, and didn't want to leave because they wanted to be with ME! FOOLISH ME!
I just said goodbye and I watched them leave and
.... and it feels like crap. It really feels horrible, and I wish I could've stayed in the car with them and just kept on driving.
I wish I'd hugged Shelly longer. And told her she looked more and more beautiful everytime I saw her.
I wish that I'd kept the weird vase thing Lizzy offered me, and that I'd made her feel special this weekend.
I wish I'd let Johnny talk about stupid stuff more and not gotten impatient.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
I miss you already.