(no subject)
I've been home over a week now, and right now I feel like I can say: what am I doing here? I just really don't feel like I belong here anymore, and that there's no real reason for me to be here. Don't get me wrong I love seeing old friends b/c they are dear to my heart, but they and I are not the same people that we were in high school. We've grown to become someone else, and we haven't been around to see that growth happen. Oh and can I also mention that some friends just haven't really bothered to get in touch w/ me, even though I've made an effort to get in touch w/ them, and they know I'm in town. AFTER 9 MONTHS! How rude. Whatever- I'm over it. So much that seemed important in high school...really it's not all that important. Worrying about what the "populars" thought of you- who the hell cares?! I don't know where they are now, and I could care less. If they happen to see me in my scrubs with my make up worn off at the mall- whatever. They're just a very distant, not important memory now. There's so much more to life outside of the small walls of high school, that you just don't even realize until you leave.
I've also had a lot of time by myself since I've been home. My mom is ALWAYS at work- can you believe she has THREE jobs now? And you wonder where I get my crazy compulsions for over working from? And my dad works a lot too, or is doing stuff w/ Gayle. But he makes time for me too, which I appreciate. But I had forgotten how in high school- I was typically by myself alot when I was home. Go to school, go to rehearsal, go to dance practice, go home. To be alone. And get homework done. Being at school- there is always some one around. You're hardly ever lonely. And I think I prefer it that way. I mean I'm fine being here by myself, I don't have a problem dealing with that, it's just so much more enjoyable being with other people. Maybe it's b/c I'm an only child, so I never really got that here at home. Whatever. I can't wait to get back and see everyone again.
I was thinking about how some people who are in love want to spend the rest of their lives together with their significant other. Maybe it's b/c I'm not in love right now, but there are a few people that I can think of right now that I would be throughly happy if I could spend the rest of my life with them. And honestly, I think I would say the same thing even if I was in love. Friendship has always come first in my mind, even when I was in the middle of a serious relationship. B/c you never know what could happen with that, but you know at least that your friends will always stand by you. Or at least you hope they will. Or at least some of them will. That's also tough. Grrr, the longer I'm here, the harder and harder it gets for me to put my trust in anyone. I've already been let down a few times- nothing big or traumatic, but just enough for me to just stop and wonder: does anyone ever put someone else before themselves? You know what I mean? I don' t really know where I'm going with this entry anymore. I know one thing for sure: what I truely want for Christmas: to have someone's love for me match my love for them. And I think that I can say that fortunatly I do have that for the most part. Some are still questionable....
I've been taking dance and voice lessons since I've been home, which makes me a happy girl. I'm back on pointe which is glorious, and I talked to my teacher about how to do some cool partnering stuff. I'm excited to try it out.
There's just been one question nagging at me for the longest time, and I just wish it would hurry the hell up and get resolved.
Oh and Christmas was fun- spent Eve w/ Dad, Gayle, and Grandma and some friends of the family, Dad and I made our traditional crepes w/ chocolate syrup and powdered sugar & scrambled eggs in the morning, and then I went to Mom's house where we opened gifts and ate a dinner she made, and went to see the Producers- good movie! My mom cryed when i gave her her present. It was a picture of my and two of my old friends when were like 8 or something, b/c it's tradition that I get her an old picture of my and one of my friends in black and white. I don't know why she was crying, but I felt kinda bad. i think she kinda misses me-boh. Don't understand why- there's nothing special to miss.
Oh and PS- I've been watching a lot of old CBT ballet videos and I want to some of this cheographing b/c A)it's amazing & B) I've never been given the chance to try it before.
This has turned into a really long entry, mainly b/c my mom doesn't have a computer and I have to catch up on everything at my dad's. Oh and no AIM over here. It sucks!!!
Please someone call me anytime- you will brighten my day. :)
I've also had a lot of time by myself since I've been home. My mom is ALWAYS at work- can you believe she has THREE jobs now? And you wonder where I get my crazy compulsions for over working from? And my dad works a lot too, or is doing stuff w/ Gayle. But he makes time for me too, which I appreciate. But I had forgotten how in high school- I was typically by myself alot when I was home. Go to school, go to rehearsal, go to dance practice, go home. To be alone. And get homework done. Being at school- there is always some one around. You're hardly ever lonely. And I think I prefer it that way. I mean I'm fine being here by myself, I don't have a problem dealing with that, it's just so much more enjoyable being with other people. Maybe it's b/c I'm an only child, so I never really got that here at home. Whatever. I can't wait to get back and see everyone again.
I was thinking about how some people who are in love want to spend the rest of their lives together with their significant other. Maybe it's b/c I'm not in love right now, but there are a few people that I can think of right now that I would be throughly happy if I could spend the rest of my life with them. And honestly, I think I would say the same thing even if I was in love. Friendship has always come first in my mind, even when I was in the middle of a serious relationship. B/c you never know what could happen with that, but you know at least that your friends will always stand by you. Or at least you hope they will. Or at least some of them will. That's also tough. Grrr, the longer I'm here, the harder and harder it gets for me to put my trust in anyone. I've already been let down a few times- nothing big or traumatic, but just enough for me to just stop and wonder: does anyone ever put someone else before themselves? You know what I mean? I don' t really know where I'm going with this entry anymore. I know one thing for sure: what I truely want for Christmas: to have someone's love for me match my love for them. And I think that I can say that fortunatly I do have that for the most part. Some are still questionable....
I've been taking dance and voice lessons since I've been home, which makes me a happy girl. I'm back on pointe which is glorious, and I talked to my teacher about how to do some cool partnering stuff. I'm excited to try it out.
There's just been one question nagging at me for the longest time, and I just wish it would hurry the hell up and get resolved.
Oh and Christmas was fun- spent Eve w/ Dad, Gayle, and Grandma and some friends of the family, Dad and I made our traditional crepes w/ chocolate syrup and powdered sugar & scrambled eggs in the morning, and then I went to Mom's house where we opened gifts and ate a dinner she made, and went to see the Producers- good movie! My mom cryed when i gave her her present. It was a picture of my and two of my old friends when were like 8 or something, b/c it's tradition that I get her an old picture of my and one of my friends in black and white. I don't know why she was crying, but I felt kinda bad. i think she kinda misses me-boh. Don't understand why- there's nothing special to miss.
Oh and PS- I've been watching a lot of old CBT ballet videos and I want to some of this cheographing b/c A)it's amazing & B) I've never been given the chance to try it before.
This has turned into a really long entry, mainly b/c my mom doesn't have a computer and I have to catch up on everything at my dad's. Oh and no AIM over here. It sucks!!!
Please someone call me anytime- you will brighten my day. :)