Some self-loathing for you all :-D

[broadwaybaby32]

Yeah so...uMm...woot for shitty ass weekends. Yeah. Oh and woot for making a jack ass out of myself. Hard core. Like hard core. Jesus why am I so self-destructive. I wish somebody would like, oh I don't know, notice and smack some sense into me. Jesus Christ why do I suck so much? Like seriously. I just want someone to tell me that it's going to be ok. That I'll be alright. And totally, that's not me at all. Like at all. I can't believe I did that. What the fuck is wrong with me? And I don't want them to think that that's who I am. Cuz that's totally not who I am. I used to be responsible about that shit. Like I would be mom. And now that I don't have to be I freak. I need to stop being such a bag of douche. Thank God it's a little bit into the school year and that's not like the first time I really hung out with those people. Thank God for responsible people, because apparantly I'm not at all. I am a sham of a human being.
Sorry that self-bashing was so long. I meant it to be like three lines long maybe. But I just couldn't shut up.

Oh good, you'll never guess who just walked through the door and ignored me. Great. Yes. This means you.

I feel an epiphany coming on....mMm...

PS-Mike Fath effing rocks my socks.

PPS-Retarded boys do not. And they make me mad. I think we can all guess who at least one of these boys is.

Yeah

Welp atleast the club was hella fun. Atleast I had a good time. But I don't know if anyone else did. Well I was having a good time until I finally decided that Joanna had been felt up enough by ten to two in the morning and we should bounce. Cuz i needed to go home and shower to wash the skank off of me. Grossness. uGh. But I love dancing. Yay for dancing.

Part of me wants to be like "If he gets weird about this I will flip the fuck out." But I think more of me is going "He won't care. Whateva!" Is that a good thing? I think so. uHh is it bad that I think I might be a sociopath? Not a murderous one...just one in general.

uGg I hate that I don't hate myself for this.

Woot for Boland being 24/7...life saving...yes it is.

I've got a little red bow
And I bought it for you
'Cause I know you're not
fair
I don't get it, oh well
And you color my skin
And the colors don't
blend
'Cause I'm gonna get you
And your little dog too
There's a yellow
brick road
That we follow back home
'Cause I know you can't wait
Your
belligerent hate
There's no place like home
There's no place like
home
Like home
I've, got a southern belle too
And ruby red
shoes
With a body of straw
Are you sick of it all?
There's a man made
of tin
With an oil can grin
And I'm gonna get you
And your little dog
too
There's a yellow brick road
That we follow back home
And I know you
can't wait
Your belligerent hate
There's no place like home
There's no
place like home
There's a little white porch
And you wanted it so
Can
you let me go down
To the end of the road
In the black and the white
A
technicolorful life
Can I stand by your side?
We can make it
alright
Like home
'Cause I'm home
There's a little white porch
And
you wanted it so
Can you let me go down
To the end of the road
In the
black and the white
A technicolorful life
Then another arrived
It's a
cowardly lion
What I want from this world
What I wanna resolve
When I
want you to stay
So I wash you away
I don't wanna be bold
I don't wanna
be cold
I don't wanna grow old
I don't wanna go home

Memories consume like opening the wound.
I'm picking me apart again.
You all assume I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again.

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose.
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way.
I know it's not alright.
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more than any time before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
But inside I realize that I'm the one confused

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends.

I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright so I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the habit tonight.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific and you might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics...

Cuz I don't want you to know where I am
Cuz then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line? Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again.
Cuz who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps.
Sinking up to the beating of my heart.
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart.

I can 't let that happen again.
Cuz then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am won't take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
Cuz who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again.
Cuz who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been.

Underneath all of my self-loathing there is buried thankfulness. I swear to you.