(no subject)
I have been in this majorly emo mood lately, so forgive me for this extraordinarily emo post.
Opening night for musical is tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I really am. This is, I think, the first time that I haven't been even remotely excited before the opening of a show. And I've done at least eight by now. I just... I hate it this year. The music is so easy, we're offstage most of the time... It doesn't feel like I'm having any fun.
I know it is, in part, because of my bitterness and resentment. I really wanted a lead this year. Really, really badly. And it broke my heart that I didn't get it. I feel so useless. So unimportant. Like what the hell does it prove that I'm in the cast? I'm in the fucking chorus? Anything with two ounces of talent could have made it. (with the exception of certain people whom shall remain nameless) What good do I do? What do I add? I could disappear and nobody would fucking notice. I hate being so... replacable.
What do they have that I don't? Jesus, I'm willing to work harder than any of them. I would have worked my ass off. I would have studied every line, every note, until I got the most out of the words written. Until I milked that script for every inch that it was worth. I would have done everything.
And I would have done anything to be in that position. In their position. Damn it, I wanted it so much. I wanted it so so much. And I just wasn't good enough. I hate that. No matter how fucking hard I try, it's never good enough. Nothing I do. It seems like I'm always a day late and a step behind. So close but not quite at the level that I ought to be at.
I wanted it so much. And it wasn't about the spotlight or the microphones or the applause or anything like that, really. It would have been, for me, an affirmation that maybe I do have a shot at this. I needed that affirmation. That confirmation that I have something resembling talent. And I didn't get it. So now I wonder where I stand. I don't know where I belong. And it feels like I don't belong anywhere.
I hate it. I hate this intense self-loathing that I feel because I'm not good enough. I hate that I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. I hate that this is only thing I can picture myself ever doing. I hate that I'm bad at it. I hate those people who have natural talent and don't have to work at it. I hate people who are lazy. I hate bad actors. I hate feeling bitter. I hate having no fun because of that bitterness. I hate feeling so useless. So insignificant.
I sat backstage at the matinee yesterday and wanted to just bawl. And I almost did. And I remember last year when I sat back there, in that room, and cried because I wasn't cast at all. And now I cry because I'm insignificant. When will it be enough? What's going to give me that boost of confidence that I need? Because that's what this damn musical was supposed to be. It was supposed to tell me that I'm not crazy. I need someone to tell me that I can do this. Because right now I don't believe I can.
Opening night for musical is tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I really am. This is, I think, the first time that I haven't been even remotely excited before the opening of a show. And I've done at least eight by now. I just... I hate it this year. The music is so easy, we're offstage most of the time... It doesn't feel like I'm having any fun.
I know it is, in part, because of my bitterness and resentment. I really wanted a lead this year. Really, really badly. And it broke my heart that I didn't get it. I feel so useless. So unimportant. Like what the hell does it prove that I'm in the cast? I'm in the fucking chorus? Anything with two ounces of talent could have made it. (with the exception of certain people whom shall remain nameless) What good do I do? What do I add? I could disappear and nobody would fucking notice. I hate being so... replacable.
What do they have that I don't? Jesus, I'm willing to work harder than any of them. I would have worked my ass off. I would have studied every line, every note, until I got the most out of the words written. Until I milked that script for every inch that it was worth. I would have done everything.
And I would have done anything to be in that position. In their position. Damn it, I wanted it so much. I wanted it so so much. And I just wasn't good enough. I hate that. No matter how fucking hard I try, it's never good enough. Nothing I do. It seems like I'm always a day late and a step behind. So close but not quite at the level that I ought to be at.
I wanted it so much. And it wasn't about the spotlight or the microphones or the applause or anything like that, really. It would have been, for me, an affirmation that maybe I do have a shot at this. I needed that affirmation. That confirmation that I have something resembling talent. And I didn't get it. So now I wonder where I stand. I don't know where I belong. And it feels like I don't belong anywhere.
I hate it. I hate this intense self-loathing that I feel because I'm not good enough. I hate that I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. I hate that this is only thing I can picture myself ever doing. I hate that I'm bad at it. I hate those people who have natural talent and don't have to work at it. I hate people who are lazy. I hate bad actors. I hate feeling bitter. I hate having no fun because of that bitterness. I hate feeling so useless. So insignificant.
I sat backstage at the matinee yesterday and wanted to just bawl. And I almost did. And I remember last year when I sat back there, in that room, and cried because I wasn't cast at all. And now I cry because I'm insignificant. When will it be enough? What's going to give me that boost of confidence that I need? Because that's what this damn musical was supposed to be. It was supposed to tell me that I'm not crazy. I need someone to tell me that I can do this. Because right now I don't believe I can.