up and down and around the bend
The past year has been one of the best and one of the most difficult.
I finished my first year of college on top of the world. I had AMAZING memories and the best friends in the world. Immediately after summer began, my parents bought me a condo and I had a full-time job for the summer with Alex. I soon moved back to Columbus to begin my job and I had the best roommates in the world. Mitch, Alex and I bonded very quickly and had an amazing summer. Mandi, Ian and Jarrett were vital parts of our summer experience. Lots of pool time and grilling out. Random trips and kick ass parties. It was a summer of growth for Mitch and Alex… both had recently come out of the closet and they were living the life they always wanted.
I had a manic attack in June and sunk into a depression and started cutting again. Things worked out soon enough though. Soon summer ended, my job ended and school began. Mandi left for CLIMB, Ian went downtown, Jarrett at the dorms and it was just the three of us once again.
Fall began and I found it very difficult to get motivated. I dropped a class, quit attending two and finished two. I was sinking in and out of depression and was not stable in anything I did. I got a job. I quit a few months later. I spent a lot of time by myself on the sofa sleeping. I started drinking cough syrup to make myself fall asleep during the day and I was popping pain pills left and right. I hated the way I felt and I hated myself.
January rolled around and I spent New Years with the best person in the world, Tripi. I made some resolutions and I was doing incredibly well and then Alex got into his first relationship. I liked Richard enough but I care about Alex so much, I didn’t think he was good enough. No one would ever be good enough for him. Soon after he began his relationship we started drifting and I got bitchy. I sunk so low and started cutting yet again. I was back to buying Vicodin and muscle relaxers just so I wouldn’t feel anything. Soon we had our first real hardcore fight. I found a lot out about myself then and vowed to myself to change. I started working very hard in therapy and working through a lot of stuff.
I got very sick in February and had to drop my classes. I couldn’t walk for 3 weeks and no one really was around so I spent all my time alone on the sofa with no one to take care of me but me. Eventually I was happy enough with my life that every problem I encountered seemed idiotic. That wouldn’t last long.
I began to deal with the pain my 15 year old self could not. I was dealing with my rape 5 years prior. I was really struggling and I had no one to talk to that could really understand what I was going through. Alex’s relationship ended with Richard and he began dating my friend Mark. I love him to death and they are great together… but I still felt betrayed by this action. Mark was a person I could talk to that had no ties to Alex and a person I could go to if I needed a break from Alex and that was taken from me.
For months I have been dealing with bouts of depression. In and out… and up and down. Having no one that really understands. Sure I have therapy, but I need to talk more than 45 min. once a week. I question everything and everyone. I doubt feelings and second guess myself. I doubt that people care about me, because no one shows it. I feel alone and I have to force myself out of bed and force a smile on my face every day. For the most part, people see me as okay. It’s nothing but a mask. I’m excellent at wearing them.
This is where I am now.
If you know me well enough, you know what is going on. Some of you are incredibly supportive of what I need to do, some of you have been waiting for this moment for months, some of you don’t understand at all.
What matters the most is that for the first time in almost a year I am making a decision that has me in mind. I am doing something for myself for once instead of worrying about other people. I am making progress with this decision… And that is really all that matters to me anymore.
So this is the end of the masked Melanie. I’m done and through with her. I’m tired of pretending.
You are going to see someone who struggles, but fights her way to happiness. I am going to do what I need to do for me. And I’m going to hurt at times, but I’m strong enough to know, that I can and will get through this.
“Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
One last kiss, before I go.
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go.”
I finished my first year of college on top of the world. I had AMAZING memories and the best friends in the world. Immediately after summer began, my parents bought me a condo and I had a full-time job for the summer with Alex. I soon moved back to Columbus to begin my job and I had the best roommates in the world. Mitch, Alex and I bonded very quickly and had an amazing summer. Mandi, Ian and Jarrett were vital parts of our summer experience. Lots of pool time and grilling out. Random trips and kick ass parties. It was a summer of growth for Mitch and Alex… both had recently come out of the closet and they were living the life they always wanted.
I had a manic attack in June and sunk into a depression and started cutting again. Things worked out soon enough though. Soon summer ended, my job ended and school began. Mandi left for CLIMB, Ian went downtown, Jarrett at the dorms and it was just the three of us once again.
Fall began and I found it very difficult to get motivated. I dropped a class, quit attending two and finished two. I was sinking in and out of depression and was not stable in anything I did. I got a job. I quit a few months later. I spent a lot of time by myself on the sofa sleeping. I started drinking cough syrup to make myself fall asleep during the day and I was popping pain pills left and right. I hated the way I felt and I hated myself.
January rolled around and I spent New Years with the best person in the world, Tripi. I made some resolutions and I was doing incredibly well and then Alex got into his first relationship. I liked Richard enough but I care about Alex so much, I didn’t think he was good enough. No one would ever be good enough for him. Soon after he began his relationship we started drifting and I got bitchy. I sunk so low and started cutting yet again. I was back to buying Vicodin and muscle relaxers just so I wouldn’t feel anything. Soon we had our first real hardcore fight. I found a lot out about myself then and vowed to myself to change. I started working very hard in therapy and working through a lot of stuff.
I got very sick in February and had to drop my classes. I couldn’t walk for 3 weeks and no one really was around so I spent all my time alone on the sofa with no one to take care of me but me. Eventually I was happy enough with my life that every problem I encountered seemed idiotic. That wouldn’t last long.
I began to deal with the pain my 15 year old self could not. I was dealing with my rape 5 years prior. I was really struggling and I had no one to talk to that could really understand what I was going through. Alex’s relationship ended with Richard and he began dating my friend Mark. I love him to death and they are great together… but I still felt betrayed by this action. Mark was a person I could talk to that had no ties to Alex and a person I could go to if I needed a break from Alex and that was taken from me.
For months I have been dealing with bouts of depression. In and out… and up and down. Having no one that really understands. Sure I have therapy, but I need to talk more than 45 min. once a week. I question everything and everyone. I doubt feelings and second guess myself. I doubt that people care about me, because no one shows it. I feel alone and I have to force myself out of bed and force a smile on my face every day. For the most part, people see me as okay. It’s nothing but a mask. I’m excellent at wearing them.
This is where I am now.
If you know me well enough, you know what is going on. Some of you are incredibly supportive of what I need to do, some of you have been waiting for this moment for months, some of you don’t understand at all.
What matters the most is that for the first time in almost a year I am making a decision that has me in mind. I am doing something for myself for once instead of worrying about other people. I am making progress with this decision… And that is really all that matters to me anymore.
So this is the end of the masked Melanie. I’m done and through with her. I’m tired of pretending.
You are going to see someone who struggles, but fights her way to happiness. I am going to do what I need to do for me. And I’m going to hurt at times, but I’m strong enough to know, that I can and will get through this.
“Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
One last kiss, before I go.
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go.”