I'm BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk
Hello All!!
It's been 4 or 5 months since I last posted. A lot has been going on.
I found -- or thought I found -- "The One" in February, and spent 4 months working on that. But in spite of lots of dreams and promises, and belief that God brought us together, he came to the conclusion yesterday that we should be "just friends". So now that I am no longer spending all of my time focusing on that relationship, I will be getting re-involved in my LJ.
I have missed you guys a lot... I hope at least someone out there has missed me. LOL
Although checking my mutual friends list a few minutes ago, I see that at least one person has deleted me from his friends list. Too bad that he won't be reading this apparently, because I enjoy his LJ and would enjoy keeping that contact going. But oh well.
So...
What's been happening in my life?
Well... I have had a total 180 shift in my life since November when I began the "Under Construction" thread. I have returned fully to my relationship with my Creator -- even though I am, and always will be, gay -- and am now seeking to live this life as He would have me live it... whatever that involves.
I was beginning to have some serious problems with my drinking and was in jeopardy of losing everything that I've now worked so hard the last 5 years to build, and came to the stark realization in January that I simply had to quit drinking. Much to the chagrin of my best friend, who wanted me to go through AA, I knew what I had to do, and I did it -- immediately, on the spot, and without AA. Yes, I've had 4 occasions in the last 4 months where I "allowed" myself to consume, but they were controlled and in a "safe" environment... I am essentially now a tee-totaller. I have not even set foot in a bar (that I can recall) for going on 5 months!! The "bar scene" was anathema to me... I never found anything there in the way of acquaintances, friendships, or certainly not romantic involvements that ever amounted to anything enduring and meaningful... it can be all so fake and phony in the bar scene. UGH. And it was costing a fortune to be spending money on bar drinks all the time, too -- the SINGLE biggest reason my budget was in shambles!!!!
The budget and financial picture were in a total state of disarray, due to my not having updated my budget records since last September, and I finally got that caught up. I began some new features in my budget system in January, which are making it easier to keep track of how I'm doing on my budget. And, I'm operating on a 6-month budget, which seems to be producing very good results... I can see now where I need to most focus my "tightening" efforts. Plus, I have (with the assistance of my mom, who sold our family house this spring) paid off my car, giving me more money monthly to work with -- a $233.60 per month TAX FREE raise!!!!! Plus, I have lowered my car insurance costs now that it's paid off, and also yesterday reduced what I'm paying for phones & internet. Now... if I can just quit smoking!!!! That would save me another $90 every 4 weeks. But as many of you probably know, it's very difficult. But I will stay at it til I conquer it... hopefully this year.
All of the drinking problems, the lax-ness in my budgeting maintenance and other factors were being caused by my having sunk into another deep depressive episode last fall... I had been off meds for about a year, and that's about the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to get off meds. Katrina, Rita, and the breakup that same month with my then boyfriend of 5 months, all contributed to that depressive episode. My therapist urged me all during the fall to get to my doctor and get back on meds. But I put it off. Finally in January, with the drinking problem becoming critical, and me realizing I was in serious jeopardy of losing everything -- and eventually possibly going to jail for something stupid related to my alcohol problem -- I got back to my doctor and got back on meds. I am now convinced that I can never get off the meds again!!! They are more essential to my life and my well-being than food itself!!!
So...
Where am I now?
1) Single again. Don't any of you get the jitters... I am *NOT* looking ***LOL*** At this point, I figure I will be single for life... and celibate, too. I've already been celibate for over 4 1/2 months anyway, because the boyfriend I was building a relationship with lives in Pennsylvania. Besides, in January (before I met Tim), I had already begun my return to the Creator, and had made a vow to avoid sex outside of a committed relationship... a big change for me. And know what? It's not been a problem. The cravings I used to have, have gone away completely, and I'm content... not even missing sex at all. The emotional costs and toll on my heart, of sleeping with this one or that one, and never getting anything "serious", "meaningful", or "lasting" out of it, finally became just too much. So I wait. Possibly for life.
2) Preparing for my future. I have supposedly (because none of us knows if we'll see tomorrow) 15 years remaining before I can retire from my present job with a retirement benefit of 50% of my highest 3 consecutive years' average earnings... should be around $25K or possibly slightly higher. If I can put myself in a home that I own free and clear before then, then I can afford to live off of $25K... or should be able to. But I've got a lot to accomplish between now and then, which is why I'm focusing on the budget so hard right now, and looking for ways to stabilize that, and then start saving cash to "pay as I go" on a home and any car purchases... I don't want to waste money on paying interest anymore.. I don't have either sufficient income, or sufficient time to waste on THAT folly!!!! Because of the high cost of living in Baton Rouge (I know, I know... it's a lot cheaper than other larger cities, but each of us has to deal with the area we live in, right?), I will possibly (probably) end up doing the mobile home deal -- probably somewhere outside of the city, but within no more than 30 miles of my job, so as to hopefully find a cheap piece of land for my "homestead". Not my preference, but oh well... one has to do whatever one has to do, right? And besides, a good number of my friends live in trailers, and some of them have done some amazing things with theirs. And I have some plans for mine which, if I can manage to accomplish, will make it very nice, too.
3) Still working the same job, rotating shift work from days to nights, with 2-3 days off between each work period of 2-3 days. I wanted to get into something that would give me a straight 8-hour, 5-day, 40-hour week, and be off every weekend, and not have to screw up my sleep patterns with the shift work. But I'm making too much money where I am now, to risk setting myself back... and it's only supposed to get better for the next 15 years. Plus, I am building a retirement. And I do like what I do very much... I am fascinated with it, and am actually preparing to move up to supervisory ranks sometime in the next year or two... whenever I feel that I am ready to take on the responsibility for making critical decisions when necessary.
Well... that's the "latest" with me. I look forward to renewing our friendships as we interact in one another's LJ's. Hoping you are all well, and wishing you all the very best.
~hugs~
Sonny -- aka TenderHeart
It's been 4 or 5 months since I last posted. A lot has been going on.
I found -- or thought I found -- "The One" in February, and spent 4 months working on that. But in spite of lots of dreams and promises, and belief that God brought us together, he came to the conclusion yesterday that we should be "just friends". So now that I am no longer spending all of my time focusing on that relationship, I will be getting re-involved in my LJ.
I have missed you guys a lot... I hope at least someone out there has missed me. LOL
Although checking my mutual friends list a few minutes ago, I see that at least one person has deleted me from his friends list. Too bad that he won't be reading this apparently, because I enjoy his LJ and would enjoy keeping that contact going. But oh well.
So...
What's been happening in my life?
Well... I have had a total 180 shift in my life since November when I began the "Under Construction" thread. I have returned fully to my relationship with my Creator -- even though I am, and always will be, gay -- and am now seeking to live this life as He would have me live it... whatever that involves.
I was beginning to have some serious problems with my drinking and was in jeopardy of losing everything that I've now worked so hard the last 5 years to build, and came to the stark realization in January that I simply had to quit drinking. Much to the chagrin of my best friend, who wanted me to go through AA, I knew what I had to do, and I did it -- immediately, on the spot, and without AA. Yes, I've had 4 occasions in the last 4 months where I "allowed" myself to consume, but they were controlled and in a "safe" environment... I am essentially now a tee-totaller. I have not even set foot in a bar (that I can recall) for going on 5 months!! The "bar scene" was anathema to me... I never found anything there in the way of acquaintances, friendships, or certainly not romantic involvements that ever amounted to anything enduring and meaningful... it can be all so fake and phony in the bar scene. UGH. And it was costing a fortune to be spending money on bar drinks all the time, too -- the SINGLE biggest reason my budget was in shambles!!!!
The budget and financial picture were in a total state of disarray, due to my not having updated my budget records since last September, and I finally got that caught up. I began some new features in my budget system in January, which are making it easier to keep track of how I'm doing on my budget. And, I'm operating on a 6-month budget, which seems to be producing very good results... I can see now where I need to most focus my "tightening" efforts. Plus, I have (with the assistance of my mom, who sold our family house this spring) paid off my car, giving me more money monthly to work with -- a $233.60 per month TAX FREE raise!!!!! Plus, I have lowered my car insurance costs now that it's paid off, and also yesterday reduced what I'm paying for phones & internet. Now... if I can just quit smoking!!!! That would save me another $90 every 4 weeks. But as many of you probably know, it's very difficult. But I will stay at it til I conquer it... hopefully this year.
All of the drinking problems, the lax-ness in my budgeting maintenance and other factors were being caused by my having sunk into another deep depressive episode last fall... I had been off meds for about a year, and that's about the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to get off meds. Katrina, Rita, and the breakup that same month with my then boyfriend of 5 months, all contributed to that depressive episode. My therapist urged me all during the fall to get to my doctor and get back on meds. But I put it off. Finally in January, with the drinking problem becoming critical, and me realizing I was in serious jeopardy of losing everything -- and eventually possibly going to jail for something stupid related to my alcohol problem -- I got back to my doctor and got back on meds. I am now convinced that I can never get off the meds again!!! They are more essential to my life and my well-being than food itself!!!
So...
Where am I now?
1) Single again. Don't any of you get the jitters... I am *NOT* looking ***LOL*** At this point, I figure I will be single for life... and celibate, too. I've already been celibate for over 4 1/2 months anyway, because the boyfriend I was building a relationship with lives in Pennsylvania. Besides, in January (before I met Tim), I had already begun my return to the Creator, and had made a vow to avoid sex outside of a committed relationship... a big change for me. And know what? It's not been a problem. The cravings I used to have, have gone away completely, and I'm content... not even missing sex at all. The emotional costs and toll on my heart, of sleeping with this one or that one, and never getting anything "serious", "meaningful", or "lasting" out of it, finally became just too much. So I wait. Possibly for life.
2) Preparing for my future. I have supposedly (because none of us knows if we'll see tomorrow) 15 years remaining before I can retire from my present job with a retirement benefit of 50% of my highest 3 consecutive years' average earnings... should be around $25K or possibly slightly higher. If I can put myself in a home that I own free and clear before then, then I can afford to live off of $25K... or should be able to. But I've got a lot to accomplish between now and then, which is why I'm focusing on the budget so hard right now, and looking for ways to stabilize that, and then start saving cash to "pay as I go" on a home and any car purchases... I don't want to waste money on paying interest anymore.. I don't have either sufficient income, or sufficient time to waste on THAT folly!!!! Because of the high cost of living in Baton Rouge (I know, I know... it's a lot cheaper than other larger cities, but each of us has to deal with the area we live in, right?), I will possibly (probably) end up doing the mobile home deal -- probably somewhere outside of the city, but within no more than 30 miles of my job, so as to hopefully find a cheap piece of land for my "homestead". Not my preference, but oh well... one has to do whatever one has to do, right? And besides, a good number of my friends live in trailers, and some of them have done some amazing things with theirs. And I have some plans for mine which, if I can manage to accomplish, will make it very nice, too.
3) Still working the same job, rotating shift work from days to nights, with 2-3 days off between each work period of 2-3 days. I wanted to get into something that would give me a straight 8-hour, 5-day, 40-hour week, and be off every weekend, and not have to screw up my sleep patterns with the shift work. But I'm making too much money where I am now, to risk setting myself back... and it's only supposed to get better for the next 15 years. Plus, I am building a retirement. And I do like what I do very much... I am fascinated with it, and am actually preparing to move up to supervisory ranks sometime in the next year or two... whenever I feel that I am ready to take on the responsibility for making critical decisions when necessary.
Well... that's the "latest" with me. I look forward to renewing our friendships as we interact in one another's LJ's. Hoping you are all well, and wishing you all the very best.
~hugs~
Sonny -- aka TenderHeart