i'll start with something i wrote a while ago....
...then at night, when i'm all alone, thoughts of loneliness and honesty and fate come sneaking up on me. i'll sit and i'll think and i'll think to repeat and the sounds and the fears swallow me whole. when i look and i speak and i think to repeat, i feel safe and calm and one. but tonight, when i'm all alone, no thoughts control my mind but sympathies and empathies for those who are not as lucky as me. can you ask yourself the question "am i selfish?" and answer it honestly? i can not because i hide not only from those who love me but from myself.
yeah... so sometimes you write stuff... and you'll think about it... you'll think "what? where the hell did THAT come from?" but this really fits tonight. because a lot of people are having troubles and for once, i'm sitting here, not feeling sorry for myself, but worrying about others. i'm not close to any of the people who are struggling now, but i will extend my support. the time is almost near. the time where i will venture out to edison, new jersey, visit my daddy's grave and wish him a happy birthday. no, i'm not always a happy person. yes, i do hide it well. thank you, i get paid to act, i'm proud of my skill to convince others. i'm sure liv and tara noticed something was up. and yes, i lied, i said i was going to bed. i'm not tired. travis DID wake up but i told him i had a lot on my mind and that i'd be to bed in a bit. i do have a lot on my mind and i will go to bed in a bit. maybe. right now i just need to vent. as i said, i'm not feeling sorry for myself. yes, my daddy is dead. that hurts like hell to say... yes, i miss him insanely. more than you could ever know 8 months isn't nearly enough time to get over a death. it'll take a life time but, no, i'm not sorry for myself. i was given a second chance to have a father who loved and supported me. i'm thankful. some people aren't given a chance at all. i never had extreme emotions when i was kid, i wasn't allowed... hell, i've been acting since i was two years old. i've done everything from commercials to sitcoms to broadway. so i didn't have TIME to have extreme emotions. gee, am i rambling? -sigh- i have so many people who i hold close to my heart. travis, tara, liv, kate, steve, ashton, nickifer, and love. there's also other people who are my friends, for whom i care deeply about, but don't really know what's going on. to those people who i confide in and trust with all my being, i KNOW you all can tell that this thing with my daddy is bugging me and freaking me out... i thank you for not calling me on it. nick, i'm sorry i've been weird lately. kate, tara, liv...will always be my best friends. they will always understand me unlike any other people in the world. ew, we're kinda sex and the cityish? except we don't talk about sex. oh. yeah we do... love will always be the best confidante... she listens better than anyone i know. i owe her so much for just letting me vent when i needed it. steve, well i was really worried about losing steve as a friend, and i appreciate the fact that he's grown up enough to not pick sides and i know he'll always be there for me, and for that he'll always be my big brother and someone i will try to protect for the rest of my life. i feel like i have to hide ashton from the world sometimes, because he's so dense and so naive. but he's got to grow up on his own and i need to step back and let him. he calls me his best friend and that worries me sometimes, because i'm a horrible best friend if that's what i am to him. no these aren't shout outs. i don't need to flaunt who i'm friends with.
i can already tell i'll start to cry while typing this about travis. travis is my heart. god, days just fly by with him. i feel like there's not enough time in the world for me to spend with him. he drives me crazy. i feel like a person again. instead of this empty void. i can laugh and smile and know that i'm truly happy. i AM happy. more so than i've ever been. there's nothing that can ruin that. not petty name calling behind my back. not childish games. not girls who THINK i don't know they want my boyfriend. i'm not intimidated by them, because travis doesn't even SEE those girls. unlike past relationships, where i've had the person literally tell me they were in love with other people. not another PERSON but PEOPLE....yes...multiples. he's all mine and i'm all his. i'm working on the fear i have of expressing my love in public. working on it. sometimes it scares me that i've fell this fast. but, i've fallen faster so it doesn't suprise me. i can read his mind. i know what he's thinking and feeling and i don't even have to ask anymore. i do, of course, because what's a relationship without a conversation? i can't see myself without him. i haven't thought about anyone else, romantically or sexually since i've been with him. there's no question about it. there's no wondering. it's just so great having someone love you this way. i wish you could all experience it and i hope you all do. i get shivers when i think about him. when he touches me, even in the smallest way, all of my anxieties disappear. he's my heart and my soul and if i ever lose him, i'll die inside. -shrugs- i'm ending this now, because i'm crying and cold. i don't know if this helped or not, we'll see in the morning.
i was going to lock this post, but i'm not going to... so, read it if you want to. most likely, you won't. and if you don't, it means you're not someone i care about or someone who cares about me. wow...harsh but true.
-lets out a deep sigh- actually.. i can tell it already helped.
ani d. talk to me now
he said ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when i'm approached in a dark alley
i don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation
i'm determined
to survive on these shores
i don't avert my eyes anymore
in a man's world
i am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around i have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
i played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death
and i guess i just want some say in between
don't you understand
in the day to day
in the face to face
i have to act
just as strong as i can
just to preserve a place
where i can be who i am
so if you still know how
talk to me now
bon jovi all about loving you
Looking at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
All about lovin' you
james taylor you've got a friend
When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know whereever i am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever i am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
You just call out my name and you know wherever i am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, i'll be there, yes i will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
-edit- please don't leave comments about how you're HERE for me and you'll listen if i need to vent. those people in the post are the select few that i go to vent, count yourself lucky you aren't one of them. however, if you read the post and you can identify with something i said, feel free to comment.
yeah... so sometimes you write stuff... and you'll think about it... you'll think "what? where the hell did THAT come from?" but this really fits tonight. because a lot of people are having troubles and for once, i'm sitting here, not feeling sorry for myself, but worrying about others. i'm not close to any of the people who are struggling now, but i will extend my support. the time is almost near. the time where i will venture out to edison, new jersey, visit my daddy's grave and wish him a happy birthday. no, i'm not always a happy person. yes, i do hide it well. thank you, i get paid to act, i'm proud of my skill to convince others. i'm sure liv and tara noticed something was up. and yes, i lied, i said i was going to bed. i'm not tired. travis DID wake up but i told him i had a lot on my mind and that i'd be to bed in a bit. i do have a lot on my mind and i will go to bed in a bit. maybe. right now i just need to vent. as i said, i'm not feeling sorry for myself. yes, my daddy is dead. that hurts like hell to say... yes, i miss him insanely. more than you could ever know 8 months isn't nearly enough time to get over a death. it'll take a life time but, no, i'm not sorry for myself. i was given a second chance to have a father who loved and supported me. i'm thankful. some people aren't given a chance at all. i never had extreme emotions when i was kid, i wasn't allowed... hell, i've been acting since i was two years old. i've done everything from commercials to sitcoms to broadway. so i didn't have TIME to have extreme emotions. gee, am i rambling? -sigh- i have so many people who i hold close to my heart. travis, tara, liv, kate, steve, ashton, nickifer, and love. there's also other people who are my friends, for whom i care deeply about, but don't really know what's going on. to those people who i confide in and trust with all my being, i KNOW you all can tell that this thing with my daddy is bugging me and freaking me out... i thank you for not calling me on it. nick, i'm sorry i've been weird lately. kate, tara, liv...will always be my best friends. they will always understand me unlike any other people in the world. ew, we're kinda sex and the cityish? except we don't talk about sex. oh. yeah we do... love will always be the best confidante... she listens better than anyone i know. i owe her so much for just letting me vent when i needed it. steve, well i was really worried about losing steve as a friend, and i appreciate the fact that he's grown up enough to not pick sides and i know he'll always be there for me, and for that he'll always be my big brother and someone i will try to protect for the rest of my life. i feel like i have to hide ashton from the world sometimes, because he's so dense and so naive. but he's got to grow up on his own and i need to step back and let him. he calls me his best friend and that worries me sometimes, because i'm a horrible best friend if that's what i am to him. no these aren't shout outs. i don't need to flaunt who i'm friends with.
i can already tell i'll start to cry while typing this about travis. travis is my heart. god, days just fly by with him. i feel like there's not enough time in the world for me to spend with him. he drives me crazy. i feel like a person again. instead of this empty void. i can laugh and smile and know that i'm truly happy. i AM happy. more so than i've ever been. there's nothing that can ruin that. not petty name calling behind my back. not childish games. not girls who THINK i don't know they want my boyfriend. i'm not intimidated by them, because travis doesn't even SEE those girls. unlike past relationships, where i've had the person literally tell me they were in love with other people. not another PERSON but PEOPLE....yes...multiples. he's all mine and i'm all his. i'm working on the fear i have of expressing my love in public. working on it. sometimes it scares me that i've fell this fast. but, i've fallen faster so it doesn't suprise me. i can read his mind. i know what he's thinking and feeling and i don't even have to ask anymore. i do, of course, because what's a relationship without a conversation? i can't see myself without him. i haven't thought about anyone else, romantically or sexually since i've been with him. there's no question about it. there's no wondering. it's just so great having someone love you this way. i wish you could all experience it and i hope you all do. i get shivers when i think about him. when he touches me, even in the smallest way, all of my anxieties disappear. he's my heart and my soul and if i ever lose him, i'll die inside. -shrugs- i'm ending this now, because i'm crying and cold. i don't know if this helped or not, we'll see in the morning.
i was going to lock this post, but i'm not going to... so, read it if you want to. most likely, you won't. and if you don't, it means you're not someone i care about or someone who cares about me. wow...harsh but true.
-lets out a deep sigh- actually.. i can tell it already helped.
ani d. talk to me now
he said ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when i'm approached in a dark alley
i don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation
i'm determined
to survive on these shores
i don't avert my eyes anymore
in a man's world
i am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around i have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
i played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death
and i guess i just want some say in between
don't you understand
in the day to day
in the face to face
i have to act
just as strong as i can
just to preserve a place
where i can be who i am
so if you still know how
talk to me now
bon jovi all about loving you
Looking at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you
All about lovin' you
james taylor you've got a friend
When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know whereever i am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever i am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
You just call out my name and you know wherever i am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, i'll be there, yes i will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
-edit- please don't leave comments about how you're HERE for me and you'll listen if i need to vent. those people in the post are the select few that i go to vent, count yourself lucky you aren't one of them. however, if you read the post and you can identify with something i said, feel free to comment.