(no subject)

Jan 15, 2009 23:00

I am very, very tired.

These last few months...they've been more than a little strange. I've changed in ways which both frighten me and exhilarate me. Things I never thought would. Strong, strong personal beliefs I've cast aside without much regard to consequence. I used to have a sense of goodness, really thick in me. I miss that.

But these changes I've noticed the whole time. Being affected by Owen and the crowd he runs with, that's a natural thing. I've weaved in, sized everything up, and now I'm back (more or less) to being me. Social changes are pretty easy to track.

The realization of intrinsic changes hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I realized what involvement I had in our society, what my place was in the economy, in my company, in accordance to the government...I realized that I wasn't a student anymore, but an honest-to-god working class citizen. And it scared me.

In that sense, I know that this year off was a healthy decision. Some real experiences under my belt have done me a world of good. They've shown me different types of stress, urgency, and fun.

But I'm ready to go back.

I need something to sustain my brain. I feel my IQ decreasing with every passing day. I crave mental nourishment. Stimulation. These are things that I don't get anymore on a regular basis.

I miss thinking about things other than Owen and money.

(Things with Owen are really great, by the way. We're sort of circling around a tentative state of mutual admiration. It makes sex really great.)

It's taking every ounce of self-control I hold in my feeble body not to jet out of that office asap. But I need cash for the trip.

The end of April will be a shining beacon of warm light. That's when I leave my job at SNC. By that time, my little niece should be born, too.

April can't come soon enough.
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