(no subject)
and so i drift through this life, from place to place, moment to moment, person to person, just waiting for that somewhere, something, someone to make me feel real. sometimes, cuaght up in a second, i think i get a glimpse of what it might feel like. but then i skim the room, eyeing every object, every person, searching for some sincerity, some reality and everything seems a facade. the pictures on wall, their easy laughter, my own smile, the one i use when i have no words to say, as if it is some sort of consolation. perhaps to myself.
they don't even notice that i haven't spoken in almost ten minutes. they don't even glance my direction. i sometimes have such a hard time believing that the things that are happening are actually happening to me. i feel so disconnected from myself, from the rest of the room, the rest of the world.
there must be someone somewhere who is feeling exactly what i am feeling right now, in this moment. and maybe someday we will find each other. maybe someday we could complete each other.
but for tonight i'll sit sit here in my chair, legs crossed, pretend to be interested in their discussions, and when it's time to leave i'll go, maybe cry a little on the drive home, put my key in the door, and turn the lock. walk up the stairs to my room, undress, try not to look in the mirror, i'd only be dissapointed with what i'd see. i'll climb into my bed, pull the covers high over my head, close my eyes and try to convince myself that this isn't how things will always be. the tears dripping onto the steering wheel, my dark cluttered room, the cold empty bed, the tossing and turning all night long. this emptiness, this lonliness, it isn't forever. someday the dreams that i didn't want to wake from, the ones i tried to recreate and force myself back into on those restless nights, one day they will be the reality and this will be the nightmare that i'll wake from.
they don't even notice that i haven't spoken in almost ten minutes. they don't even glance my direction. i sometimes have such a hard time believing that the things that are happening are actually happening to me. i feel so disconnected from myself, from the rest of the room, the rest of the world.
there must be someone somewhere who is feeling exactly what i am feeling right now, in this moment. and maybe someday we will find each other. maybe someday we could complete each other.
but for tonight i'll sit sit here in my chair, legs crossed, pretend to be interested in their discussions, and when it's time to leave i'll go, maybe cry a little on the drive home, put my key in the door, and turn the lock. walk up the stairs to my room, undress, try not to look in the mirror, i'd only be dissapointed with what i'd see. i'll climb into my bed, pull the covers high over my head, close my eyes and try to convince myself that this isn't how things will always be. the tears dripping onto the steering wheel, my dark cluttered room, the cold empty bed, the tossing and turning all night long. this emptiness, this lonliness, it isn't forever. someday the dreams that i didn't want to wake from, the ones i tried to recreate and force myself back into on those restless nights, one day they will be the reality and this will be the nightmare that i'll wake from.