The Butterflies
The Butterflies
Summary: “So, who even likes butterflies anyway?” “Oh, I think you’ll know.” Their relationship is a stickler for meaningful bathroom conversations. This time is no different.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
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It is funny how one mistake can ruin your entire life. How one moment, one wrong decision, can result in such life changing events. She never said that she was perfect; she never said that she had never made a wrong choice in her lifetime. But as a doctor, she never wanted to be the one to screw up. She never wanted to be the one who made the decision that resulted in someone losing their ability to snowboard, or even more importantly, their ability to walk.
But, she did. She was the one who made the decision to leave the sponge in his leg, and she was the one who made the decision that resulted in Travis Reed losing his ability to snowboard. Even more importantly, she was the doctor who made the call that cost a young man his ability to walk at such a very young age.
Callie sits stiffly in her chair, squeezing her hands so tightly that her knuckles were almost turning white as the prosecution continues to paint her as such an inconsiderate doctor. She can see him out of the corner of her eye; everything about him seemed so very disheveled now than when he first came in. His hair looks as if it hasn’t been washed in days, he looks like he hasn’t shaved, and he looks like he hasn’t ate in months.
She knows those signs, all those signs of bitterness, anger, and denial. She had seen them all firsthand nearly a year ago after the plane crash. She watched her wife spiral out of control, out of reality, much like she is sitting here, watching the same thing happen to Travis.
Her eyes flicker over to him and she can’t help but stare at the stumps, stare at the bitter reminder of the life that this young man once had. How could this have happened? How could one surgery have cost Travis Reed, the Travis Reed both of his legs? And how could she have been the one who made the decision to cut off another person’s legs?
It wasn’t a mistake, she sighs as the tears glaze over her dark brown eyes. He was dying. Just like Arizona was dying. She didn’t have time. Damn it, she never had enough time. She never had enough time to think, time to breathe, or time to do something. To do anything that could have saved those legs, all three legs.
But Travis was dying. He was hanging to his life by a very thin thread and if she hadn’t made the decision for the amputation, he would have died. The infection would have killed him and suddenly, a very bright light would have vanished from the world. Parents would have lost a son, a girlfriend would have lost her significant other, and children would have lost their role model. As a doctor, as a human, she couldn’t just stand there and let him die in the respect of saving his legs.
God, she chokes back the cry in the back of her throat, how could this be happening again? How could all of this be so very similar to the same arguments she had with Arizona for months after the crash?
It is like her life revolves around those damn legs.
Or rather, the lack of them.
When Travis’s eyes meet hers, it is like a cold fist to her heart that leaves her stomach churning. He looks dead inside, and it is then that she realizes that he might as well be. He can’t snowboard anymore, the life that he knew is suddenly over and she is the reason for that. He looks at her with so much hatred, with so much disgust and honestly, at this point, it does not even bother her anymore. Because, that is how Arizona looked at her for months. And perhaps he should, perhaps he should hate her, and maybe he should blame her. God knows she blames herself for everything that happened to him.
“That’s not fair, you’re not letting me finish.” Jo’s voice snaps through the courtroom and that is when Callie’s eyes snap back to the witness stand. Jo looks like she has been through the ringer, her face has suddenly grown pale and Callie inwardly curses at the fact that they are making such a young resident go through this.
“That’s enough Doctor Wilson.” The judge exclaims, her voice very dry. It is as if the judge has already made up her mind, but Callie already knew that. Callie knew the judge already thought she was guilty the second that she made eye contact with her. And hell, she was. She was guilty of the fact that Travis Reed will be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and she was guilty of ruining his career. But she wasn’t guilty of saving his life.
“But I need to explain.” Jo panics, tears burning in her eyes.
“Another word out of turn and I’ll hold you in contempt.” The judge demands, her voice harsh and hostile. And in that instant, Callie knows it’s over. Her entire career, everything that she has ever worked for, all of her dreams and goals of developing the cartilage study, of saving lives and rebuilding bones and giving people their lives back is over.
And in that instant, Callie can’t breathe, she can’t speak, she can’t think.
All she can see is the hate in Arizona’s blue eyes, all she can see is her life ending.
God, she can’t breathe. Her chest is so tight, so tight that she thinks that something is bound to burst out of her. She is nauseous, her head is splitting, her heart is pounding, and her knees are shaking. It is like her entire world is falling down around her and she can’t do a damn thing to stop it. She has only felt this way twice in her life. The night that she found out about the plane crash and the night that she told Alex Karev to “cut it off.” She swore that she would never allow herself to feel this way again.
Yet, here she is, bursting through the door of the ladies room, wanting nothing more than to cry, vomit and die all at the same time.
Travis, she sniffles as she looks at herself in the mirror, why did he have to be so much like fucking Arizona? Why did this case have to be so much like the one that still haunts her every time that a particular blonde knocks on the door to pick up their daughter? It’s like she can’t escape it, she can’t get away from it. She ruined his life. She ruined her wife’s life. She ruined her marriage and she ruined any chance that her daughter had at knowing what a stable family looked like.
How much more could Calliope Torres fuck up this year? Seriously, if this was an Olympic Sport, she feels like she would be the one taking the gold.
“Please tell me I have a spare pair in here!” Callie panics as she pushes through all of the shit in her purse. All of the receipts, her wallet, papers. Shit, she mutters in her breath, the fucking divorce papers. She meant to give those to Arizona weeks ago, but then the Travis thing happened, and she was extra nice to her this morning and damn it, this just doesn’t end, does it? God, what she would give to just go back in time, to just go back before everything went to hell. What she would give to just have her wife back, even if for just right now.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I-I-I’ll come back.” An all too familiar voice stutters out in a panic and Callie looks up to find a sharply dressed Arizona receding out of the bathroom. Wait, Callie gasps a breath, she came? After everything that she put her through, after losing her own leg to a situation very similar to this, Arizona still came? And in that second, Callie’s heart swells.
“No, no, no. It-It’s fine. It’s fine. I just….” Callie stutters panicky as she tries to stretch out her pantyhose, desperately attempting to blink back the burning tears in her eyes. When Arizona stops, Callie can feel her heart swell once again. She shouldn’t feel this way about someone who cheated on her, but damn, she just can’t help it. She can’t help the fact that she needs Arizona now, more than ever.
“I just have to sit in there and listen to that guy and I can’t react or that will make look unlikable or petty but how in the hell am I not supposed to react?” Callie’s face crumbles as the tears start to spill down her cheeks once again, that all too familiar knot appearing in her throat, “it’s awful. He’s making me sound awful.”
The way that she says the word makes Arizona’s heart break. She isn’t awful, she’s… she’s her Calliope. Even after the leg scenario, even after the miscarriage, after the cheating, after everything, she is still her Calliope and there is nothing awful about her. Sighing back her nervousness, Arizona takes a step forward, digging something out of her purse.
“I might have something that m-might make you feel better. So, Sofia drew this in the car this morning and she said that it was of a jellyfish and a rainbow mermaid,” Arizona smiles, turning the picture around so that Callie can see it, “I’m not sure which one is which. But you should have it. And when you feel like screaming, you can look at the jellyfish and it will calm you down.” Arizona smiles her dimple revealing smile for the first time in a very long time and the sight of it almost makes Callie want to burst out in tears again. God, how she has missed that smile, how she has missed this Arizona.
With a shy smile, Callie reaches out and takes the photo, her fingertips gently brushing against Arizona’s and her heart races at the brief contact. It has been months since she has touched her, months since she has even looked at her like this. And in this moment, in this second, Callie Torres finds herself falling for Arizona Robbins all over again.
“I’m surprised you’re here,” Callie sighs, biting her lip softly as she glances at her wife through her tear filled eyes, “thanks.” She sniffles and it is very loaded. It is not just a thank you for being in the court room today, but it is a thank you for so many other things. A thank you for surviving, a thank you for trying to be a good mother and a good wife, a thank you for merely existing. And while, she doesn’t exactly say that, Arizona just knows.
For a moment, they just stand there, lost in each other’s eyes and it is as if nothing has changed. It is as if time simply stops in that moment when russet brown swirls are lost within icy bottle blues. And then, in a second, it is over, when Callie remembers exactly where she is and why she is here.
“I should…uh… I should be getting back,” Callie politely smiles, turning to the mirror to readjust the mascara that is now dripping down her face. While, the conversation should be over, Arizona simply shakes her head and steps forward, a playful smile curling upon her lips.
“Um, Callie, are you sure that you want to wear rhinestone butterflies in court?” Arizona points out and the raven haired beauty looks down at her pantyhose, muttering a curse when she realizes the bedazzled butterflies are on the back of her calves, “I-I mean it’s your choice. It’s a strange one. But I suppose that lots of people like butterflies-“
“Yeah,” Callie laughs softly, glancing down at the insects. Butterflies. The first time that she seriously noticed Arizona, she was wearing butterflies on her scrub cap. She had mentioned it to God that day in the chapel with Addison. It’s ironic, she chuckles as she looks at the jewels with tears burning in her eyes, that she is wearing them now. It is ironic that when the rest of her world is falling apart, the butterflies still remain.
“They are cute,” Arizona points out with her super magic smile and Callie can’t help but laugh. Of course she would think they are cute.
“What?” Callie laughs and Arizona can’t help but laugh too. God, how long had it been since they did this together? How long had it been since they heard each other laugh? The sound of the other woman’s laughter made each of their hearts grow what felt like three sizes and for an instant, it was almost enough to fix everything between the two of them. Smiling her big dimpling grin, Arizona wrinkles her nose with a playful wink.
“I should probably get going,” Arizona states and Callie bites her lip anxiously with a nod of her head. Arizona smiles softly, turning to walk away, when a voice, a very tiny and insecure voice, calls out to her. A voice that, no matter the circumstances, has always managed to make her stop in her tracks, a voice that makes her heart skip a beat, even know.
“Arizona,” Callie calls out her and Arizona turns slightly to face her wife as Callie sniffles, wiping her nose with the napkin that she had borrowed from Greg earlier, “Do you…uh… do you think that I am guilty?” The raven haired woman asks, her voice shaky and the taste of fear prevenient in her mouth at the answer that she is sure to receive. It is a loaded question, a question that guts Arizona to the core of everything that she is.
“Oh, Callie. I…” Arizona’s voice trails off, her eyes darting away to stare at an invisible spot on the floor. In that second, Callie lets out a soft chuckle with a sniffle, nodding her head softly as she wipes away a tear.
“Yeah, I guess that’s fair. I cut off your leg, I cut off Travis’s legs, I ruined your lives. It’s only fair that I get punished for my mistakes. I mean…”
“No,” Arizona’s voice is stern as she steps forward, her bottle blues colliding hard with Callie’s russet brown and in that second, Callie forgets how to breathe, “no. You don’t deserve to be punished because you did nothing wrong. You saved his life and if he can’t appreciate that then he is a dumb ass. I…”
“Arizona…”
“I know that I was angry at you for so very long for making the decision to cut off my leg and that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t mad at you for cutting off my leg, I was mad because I lost my leg and it wasn’t fair for me to take it out on you. I was so angry for so very long, Callie and I took it out on you. And that is exactly what Travis is doing. He is mad because he lost his legs and that’s fair but it’s not your fault. You saved his life. Just like you saved my life. You saved my life. And for a very long time I hated you for it, I would have much rather been dead than to be a cripple. How stupid of that was me?” Arizona pauses with a chuckle, a new form of tears appearing in her blue eyes.
“How stupid and idiotic of me was it to take it out on you when you did nothing wrong? When you were the one who was doing what you were supposed to do? In medical school, they teach us to drape the patient’s faces so that we can’t get attached to them but what do you do when it’s your wife and she is coding on the operating table? How do you make that decision? How do you make the decision to cut off her leg and save her life or let her die? I often thought you were selfish for choosing to keep me alive, but you weren’t. I was the one that was selfish.” Her voice is shaking now as the tears burn within her eyes and Callie can’t control the tears that are streaming from her own.
“You don’t have to…” She whispers but Arizona shakes her head, stepping forward again. For so long Callie has waited for this moment, and for so very long she thought it would never come.
“I am so very sorry that I didn’t appreciate the decision that you made because I know that it must have been extremely hard for you to do that. And I am sorry that I let the fact that I don’t have a leg ruin our marriage because I shouldn’t have. You saved me, Callie. And I did nothing but punish you for it and I must live with that every day for the rest of my life. But to answer your question, no, you are not guilty. If you are guilty for anything, it might be for caring too much. Travis may hate you now for cutting off his leg but he won’t hate you forever. God knows that I don’t.” Arizona whispers in a smile.
“You… you don’t?”
“No. I-I… I still love you, Calliope. I never stopped. Not even for a second. And I forgive you. I forgive you for making the call to cut off my leg. And I can only hope that one day you can forgive me too. Forgive me for hurting you and ruining our marriage, and that you can forgive me for asking you to be my doctor and for making that promise to me. You… You only did what you had to do, Calliope and no one, especially Travis or I, should punish you for doing that.” Arizona exclaims in a sniffle and Callie finds herself unable to breathe. Calliope. God, how long had she been dreaming to hear her name said in such a loving way like that?
For so many nights she kept herself awake thinking about the night that Alex Karev burst into her operating room and told her that Arizona was flat lining, for so many nights she couldn’t help but replay the whole scene time and time again in her head. For the past year, those three words have haunted her. And now, well, now those three words just seem so unimportant.
Because Arizona said she loves her. After everything, she still loves her.
Letting out a gentle sigh, a warm smile begins to appear on Callie’s lips, a genuine smile, one that she hasn’t had in months. And she finds herself surprised when the gesture is returned by her wife, who is the closest she has been to her in almost a year.
“Thank you,” Callie whispers and Arizona nods softly, placing her hand gently on Callie’s forearm. It is a loving gesture, a smile gesture, actually, but one that makes Callie’s heart soar through the roof.
“I am still a good man in a storm, Calliope,” Arizona whispers, “just sometimes good men get lost and they need a little help to find the shore. I needed my lighthouse. What I didn’t realize was, my lighthouse was where it had been all along.” There is a crack in her voice and Callie softly places her hand on hers, giving it a gentle squeeze to encourage her that everything is going to be okay, “I’m finding my way back now.”
“I know.” Callie breathes in a gentle smile. And for a moment, neither of them say anything; they just simply stand there, staring at one another. It is only when the door opens and a woman hustles inside, that the two of them part. Taking in a deep breath, Callie picks up her purse and heads for the door, Arizona by her side.
“Hey, who even likes butterflies anyway?” Callie chuckles as she opens the door and Arizona laughs, a hearty laugh with a roll of her eyes.
“Oh, I think you’ll know,” She winks, her fingertips brushing against Callie’s as they head back to the court room. And suddenly, Callie has a new sense of encouragement and confidence, not only about the case but about her marriage.
Things might not be okay right now, but they will be. Arizona is finding her way back.
And after all, all butterflies start out as ugly little caterpillars anyway. It is only after they spend some time in their cocoon changing themselves do they turn into something beautiful.
Summary: “So, who even likes butterflies anyway?” “Oh, I think you’ll know.” Their relationship is a stickler for meaningful bathroom conversations. This time is no different.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
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It is funny how one mistake can ruin your entire life. How one moment, one wrong decision, can result in such life changing events. She never said that she was perfect; she never said that she had never made a wrong choice in her lifetime. But as a doctor, she never wanted to be the one to screw up. She never wanted to be the one who made the decision that resulted in someone losing their ability to snowboard, or even more importantly, their ability to walk.
But, she did. She was the one who made the decision to leave the sponge in his leg, and she was the one who made the decision that resulted in Travis Reed losing his ability to snowboard. Even more importantly, she was the doctor who made the call that cost a young man his ability to walk at such a very young age.
Callie sits stiffly in her chair, squeezing her hands so tightly that her knuckles were almost turning white as the prosecution continues to paint her as such an inconsiderate doctor. She can see him out of the corner of her eye; everything about him seemed so very disheveled now than when he first came in. His hair looks as if it hasn’t been washed in days, he looks like he hasn’t shaved, and he looks like he hasn’t ate in months.
She knows those signs, all those signs of bitterness, anger, and denial. She had seen them all firsthand nearly a year ago after the plane crash. She watched her wife spiral out of control, out of reality, much like she is sitting here, watching the same thing happen to Travis.
Her eyes flicker over to him and she can’t help but stare at the stumps, stare at the bitter reminder of the life that this young man once had. How could this have happened? How could one surgery have cost Travis Reed, the Travis Reed both of his legs? And how could she have been the one who made the decision to cut off another person’s legs?
It wasn’t a mistake, she sighs as the tears glaze over her dark brown eyes. He was dying. Just like Arizona was dying. She didn’t have time. Damn it, she never had enough time. She never had enough time to think, time to breathe, or time to do something. To do anything that could have saved those legs, all three legs.
But Travis was dying. He was hanging to his life by a very thin thread and if she hadn’t made the decision for the amputation, he would have died. The infection would have killed him and suddenly, a very bright light would have vanished from the world. Parents would have lost a son, a girlfriend would have lost her significant other, and children would have lost their role model. As a doctor, as a human, she couldn’t just stand there and let him die in the respect of saving his legs.
God, she chokes back the cry in the back of her throat, how could this be happening again? How could all of this be so very similar to the same arguments she had with Arizona for months after the crash?
It is like her life revolves around those damn legs.
Or rather, the lack of them.
When Travis’s eyes meet hers, it is like a cold fist to her heart that leaves her stomach churning. He looks dead inside, and it is then that she realizes that he might as well be. He can’t snowboard anymore, the life that he knew is suddenly over and she is the reason for that. He looks at her with so much hatred, with so much disgust and honestly, at this point, it does not even bother her anymore. Because, that is how Arizona looked at her for months. And perhaps he should, perhaps he should hate her, and maybe he should blame her. God knows she blames herself for everything that happened to him.
“That’s not fair, you’re not letting me finish.” Jo’s voice snaps through the courtroom and that is when Callie’s eyes snap back to the witness stand. Jo looks like she has been through the ringer, her face has suddenly grown pale and Callie inwardly curses at the fact that they are making such a young resident go through this.
“That’s enough Doctor Wilson.” The judge exclaims, her voice very dry. It is as if the judge has already made up her mind, but Callie already knew that. Callie knew the judge already thought she was guilty the second that she made eye contact with her. And hell, she was. She was guilty of the fact that Travis Reed will be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and she was guilty of ruining his career. But she wasn’t guilty of saving his life.
“But I need to explain.” Jo panics, tears burning in her eyes.
“Another word out of turn and I’ll hold you in contempt.” The judge demands, her voice harsh and hostile. And in that instant, Callie knows it’s over. Her entire career, everything that she has ever worked for, all of her dreams and goals of developing the cartilage study, of saving lives and rebuilding bones and giving people their lives back is over.
And in that instant, Callie can’t breathe, she can’t speak, she can’t think.
All she can see is the hate in Arizona’s blue eyes, all she can see is her life ending.
God, she can’t breathe. Her chest is so tight, so tight that she thinks that something is bound to burst out of her. She is nauseous, her head is splitting, her heart is pounding, and her knees are shaking. It is like her entire world is falling down around her and she can’t do a damn thing to stop it. She has only felt this way twice in her life. The night that she found out about the plane crash and the night that she told Alex Karev to “cut it off.” She swore that she would never allow herself to feel this way again.
Yet, here she is, bursting through the door of the ladies room, wanting nothing more than to cry, vomit and die all at the same time.
Travis, she sniffles as she looks at herself in the mirror, why did he have to be so much like fucking Arizona? Why did this case have to be so much like the one that still haunts her every time that a particular blonde knocks on the door to pick up their daughter? It’s like she can’t escape it, she can’t get away from it. She ruined his life. She ruined her wife’s life. She ruined her marriage and she ruined any chance that her daughter had at knowing what a stable family looked like.
How much more could Calliope Torres fuck up this year? Seriously, if this was an Olympic Sport, she feels like she would be the one taking the gold.
“Please tell me I have a spare pair in here!” Callie panics as she pushes through all of the shit in her purse. All of the receipts, her wallet, papers. Shit, she mutters in her breath, the fucking divorce papers. She meant to give those to Arizona weeks ago, but then the Travis thing happened, and she was extra nice to her this morning and damn it, this just doesn’t end, does it? God, what she would give to just go back in time, to just go back before everything went to hell. What she would give to just have her wife back, even if for just right now.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I-I-I’ll come back.” An all too familiar voice stutters out in a panic and Callie looks up to find a sharply dressed Arizona receding out of the bathroom. Wait, Callie gasps a breath, she came? After everything that she put her through, after losing her own leg to a situation very similar to this, Arizona still came? And in that second, Callie’s heart swells.
“No, no, no. It-It’s fine. It’s fine. I just….” Callie stutters panicky as she tries to stretch out her pantyhose, desperately attempting to blink back the burning tears in her eyes. When Arizona stops, Callie can feel her heart swell once again. She shouldn’t feel this way about someone who cheated on her, but damn, she just can’t help it. She can’t help the fact that she needs Arizona now, more than ever.
“I just have to sit in there and listen to that guy and I can’t react or that will make look unlikable or petty but how in the hell am I not supposed to react?” Callie’s face crumbles as the tears start to spill down her cheeks once again, that all too familiar knot appearing in her throat, “it’s awful. He’s making me sound awful.”
The way that she says the word makes Arizona’s heart break. She isn’t awful, she’s… she’s her Calliope. Even after the leg scenario, even after the miscarriage, after the cheating, after everything, she is still her Calliope and there is nothing awful about her. Sighing back her nervousness, Arizona takes a step forward, digging something out of her purse.
“I might have something that m-might make you feel better. So, Sofia drew this in the car this morning and she said that it was of a jellyfish and a rainbow mermaid,” Arizona smiles, turning the picture around so that Callie can see it, “I’m not sure which one is which. But you should have it. And when you feel like screaming, you can look at the jellyfish and it will calm you down.” Arizona smiles her dimple revealing smile for the first time in a very long time and the sight of it almost makes Callie want to burst out in tears again. God, how she has missed that smile, how she has missed this Arizona.
With a shy smile, Callie reaches out and takes the photo, her fingertips gently brushing against Arizona’s and her heart races at the brief contact. It has been months since she has touched her, months since she has even looked at her like this. And in this moment, in this second, Callie Torres finds herself falling for Arizona Robbins all over again.
“I’m surprised you’re here,” Callie sighs, biting her lip softly as she glances at her wife through her tear filled eyes, “thanks.” She sniffles and it is very loaded. It is not just a thank you for being in the court room today, but it is a thank you for so many other things. A thank you for surviving, a thank you for trying to be a good mother and a good wife, a thank you for merely existing. And while, she doesn’t exactly say that, Arizona just knows.
For a moment, they just stand there, lost in each other’s eyes and it is as if nothing has changed. It is as if time simply stops in that moment when russet brown swirls are lost within icy bottle blues. And then, in a second, it is over, when Callie remembers exactly where she is and why she is here.
“I should…uh… I should be getting back,” Callie politely smiles, turning to the mirror to readjust the mascara that is now dripping down her face. While, the conversation should be over, Arizona simply shakes her head and steps forward, a playful smile curling upon her lips.
“Um, Callie, are you sure that you want to wear rhinestone butterflies in court?” Arizona points out and the raven haired beauty looks down at her pantyhose, muttering a curse when she realizes the bedazzled butterflies are on the back of her calves, “I-I mean it’s your choice. It’s a strange one. But I suppose that lots of people like butterflies-“
“Yeah,” Callie laughs softly, glancing down at the insects. Butterflies. The first time that she seriously noticed Arizona, she was wearing butterflies on her scrub cap. She had mentioned it to God that day in the chapel with Addison. It’s ironic, she chuckles as she looks at the jewels with tears burning in her eyes, that she is wearing them now. It is ironic that when the rest of her world is falling apart, the butterflies still remain.
“They are cute,” Arizona points out with her super magic smile and Callie can’t help but laugh. Of course she would think they are cute.
“What?” Callie laughs and Arizona can’t help but laugh too. God, how long had it been since they did this together? How long had it been since they heard each other laugh? The sound of the other woman’s laughter made each of their hearts grow what felt like three sizes and for an instant, it was almost enough to fix everything between the two of them. Smiling her big dimpling grin, Arizona wrinkles her nose with a playful wink.
“I should probably get going,” Arizona states and Callie bites her lip anxiously with a nod of her head. Arizona smiles softly, turning to walk away, when a voice, a very tiny and insecure voice, calls out to her. A voice that, no matter the circumstances, has always managed to make her stop in her tracks, a voice that makes her heart skip a beat, even know.
“Arizona,” Callie calls out her and Arizona turns slightly to face her wife as Callie sniffles, wiping her nose with the napkin that she had borrowed from Greg earlier, “Do you…uh… do you think that I am guilty?” The raven haired woman asks, her voice shaky and the taste of fear prevenient in her mouth at the answer that she is sure to receive. It is a loaded question, a question that guts Arizona to the core of everything that she is.
“Oh, Callie. I…” Arizona’s voice trails off, her eyes darting away to stare at an invisible spot on the floor. In that second, Callie lets out a soft chuckle with a sniffle, nodding her head softly as she wipes away a tear.
“Yeah, I guess that’s fair. I cut off your leg, I cut off Travis’s legs, I ruined your lives. It’s only fair that I get punished for my mistakes. I mean…”
“No,” Arizona’s voice is stern as she steps forward, her bottle blues colliding hard with Callie’s russet brown and in that second, Callie forgets how to breathe, “no. You don’t deserve to be punished because you did nothing wrong. You saved his life and if he can’t appreciate that then he is a dumb ass. I…”
“Arizona…”
“I know that I was angry at you for so very long for making the decision to cut off my leg and that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t mad at you for cutting off my leg, I was mad because I lost my leg and it wasn’t fair for me to take it out on you. I was so angry for so very long, Callie and I took it out on you. And that is exactly what Travis is doing. He is mad because he lost his legs and that’s fair but it’s not your fault. You saved his life. Just like you saved my life. You saved my life. And for a very long time I hated you for it, I would have much rather been dead than to be a cripple. How stupid of that was me?” Arizona pauses with a chuckle, a new form of tears appearing in her blue eyes.
“How stupid and idiotic of me was it to take it out on you when you did nothing wrong? When you were the one who was doing what you were supposed to do? In medical school, they teach us to drape the patient’s faces so that we can’t get attached to them but what do you do when it’s your wife and she is coding on the operating table? How do you make that decision? How do you make the decision to cut off her leg and save her life or let her die? I often thought you were selfish for choosing to keep me alive, but you weren’t. I was the one that was selfish.” Her voice is shaking now as the tears burn within her eyes and Callie can’t control the tears that are streaming from her own.
“You don’t have to…” She whispers but Arizona shakes her head, stepping forward again. For so long Callie has waited for this moment, and for so very long she thought it would never come.
“I am so very sorry that I didn’t appreciate the decision that you made because I know that it must have been extremely hard for you to do that. And I am sorry that I let the fact that I don’t have a leg ruin our marriage because I shouldn’t have. You saved me, Callie. And I did nothing but punish you for it and I must live with that every day for the rest of my life. But to answer your question, no, you are not guilty. If you are guilty for anything, it might be for caring too much. Travis may hate you now for cutting off his leg but he won’t hate you forever. God knows that I don’t.” Arizona whispers in a smile.
“You… you don’t?”
“No. I-I… I still love you, Calliope. I never stopped. Not even for a second. And I forgive you. I forgive you for making the call to cut off my leg. And I can only hope that one day you can forgive me too. Forgive me for hurting you and ruining our marriage, and that you can forgive me for asking you to be my doctor and for making that promise to me. You… You only did what you had to do, Calliope and no one, especially Travis or I, should punish you for doing that.” Arizona exclaims in a sniffle and Callie finds herself unable to breathe. Calliope. God, how long had she been dreaming to hear her name said in such a loving way like that?
For so many nights she kept herself awake thinking about the night that Alex Karev burst into her operating room and told her that Arizona was flat lining, for so many nights she couldn’t help but replay the whole scene time and time again in her head. For the past year, those three words have haunted her. And now, well, now those three words just seem so unimportant.
Because Arizona said she loves her. After everything, she still loves her.
Letting out a gentle sigh, a warm smile begins to appear on Callie’s lips, a genuine smile, one that she hasn’t had in months. And she finds herself surprised when the gesture is returned by her wife, who is the closest she has been to her in almost a year.
“Thank you,” Callie whispers and Arizona nods softly, placing her hand gently on Callie’s forearm. It is a loving gesture, a smile gesture, actually, but one that makes Callie’s heart soar through the roof.
“I am still a good man in a storm, Calliope,” Arizona whispers, “just sometimes good men get lost and they need a little help to find the shore. I needed my lighthouse. What I didn’t realize was, my lighthouse was where it had been all along.” There is a crack in her voice and Callie softly places her hand on hers, giving it a gentle squeeze to encourage her that everything is going to be okay, “I’m finding my way back now.”
“I know.” Callie breathes in a gentle smile. And for a moment, neither of them say anything; they just simply stand there, staring at one another. It is only when the door opens and a woman hustles inside, that the two of them part. Taking in a deep breath, Callie picks up her purse and heads for the door, Arizona by her side.
“Hey, who even likes butterflies anyway?” Callie chuckles as she opens the door and Arizona laughs, a hearty laugh with a roll of her eyes.
“Oh, I think you’ll know,” She winks, her fingertips brushing against Callie’s as they head back to the court room. And suddenly, Callie has a new sense of encouragement and confidence, not only about the case but about her marriage.
Things might not be okay right now, but they will be. Arizona is finding her way back.
And after all, all butterflies start out as ugly little caterpillars anyway. It is only after they spend some time in their cocoon changing themselves do they turn into something beautiful.