Over My Head (My Confessions)
Over My Head (My Confessions)
Tagline: Everyone knows I'm in over my head and I don't know what to do to but to give my confessions.
Summary: When the pressures of being unable to conceive slowly derails their relationship, Arizona chooses to take a break. She heads to Africa to work as a missionary, saving lives of the tiny humans. Yet, little to every one's knowledge, including her own, she takes a little something of Callie's with her. Now seven months later, Callie's world is turned upside down by the arrival of her ex-girlfriend and the tiny human growing inside of her. Can Callie find forgiveness for the mother of her child? Or is it simply too late?
Warning: AU Season 7
Pairing: Callie/Arizona.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
"I can sum up everything I have learned about life in three words: it goes on.”- Robert Frost
Chapter Eight
There is something about burying your hands deep within a patient’s body cavity to fix a problem that no-one else can, something about doing the extraordinary, the unbelievable, the impossible that Callie Torres thrives on. There is something about rebuilding bones, entire skeletal systems even and inadvertently rebuilding the patient’s life that gives Callie purpose and hope, even in a hopeless place. There is just something about it that gives her a little bit more meaning, more of a purpose, to know that she can fix people’s lives even though she cannot fix her own. And it is days like today that reminds Dr. Callie Torres, Ortho goddess, exactly why she does her job.
She gave someone their existence back, gave them a second chance.
And at the end of the day, despite whatever else happens, it is that feeling that keeps her going, even when she does not want to feel anything else.
The Latina makes her way to the nurses’ station with a rather confident skip in her step and a proud smile curling upon her lips, two things that have been absent more often than not lately. She grabs the patient’s chart with an ‘hmph’ as she takes the pen from her pocket with a successful click and begins to scribble the notes into the medical record. She finds herself swaying her hips a little and she cannot help but smile at how accomplished she feels now; how proud. She had almost forgotten the feeling, the feeling of how happy a successful surgery can make her, how it can make her forget everything else, including the tugging feeling that keeps dragging her heart downward, the feeling in the pit of her stomach that she just cannot explain.
From the corner of her eye, she notices April Kepner making her way to the nurses’ station. She watches as the red haired woman who just performed two surgeries with her approach the desk as if no amount of exhaustion echoes in her bones, Callie cannot help but think that people underestimate her.
“Hey Kepner.” Callie states and the not-so-sudden exclamation startles the chief resident who jumps in alarm. Callie finds a giggle tickling in the back of her throat at the very dramatic reaction to her name being called but she forces it away, knowing the young girl has been teased enough in her lifetime.
“D-did you need something, Dr. Torres?” April’s voice is wavering with nerves and anxiety as her demeanor suddenly changes from the peppy young woman she had been before, to that of a tiny child afraid of being scolded and having their favorite toy taken away.
“Yeah, I just wanted to say…. You did a really good job in there today.” Callie states and April’s eyes dart nervously as if she had been expecting to hear something else to come out of her mouth, “I know that a lot of people give you a lot of crap because you’re peppy and….perky. But I love perky and you’re nice, sure sometimes you’re too nice for this hospital, but I’d rather have you be nice than a hard ass. People judge you for your personality and I think they let it overshadow your surgical skills. Which are amazing because you are care so much.”
“I… I-I don’t even know what to say. T-Thank you, Dr. Torres.” April stutters nervously with a shy smile curling her cheeks and Callie can already tell the warm blush that is beginning to settle there. Smiling in accomplishment, Callie nods as she places her pen in her pocket and buries her hands deep within her lab coat. She walks past the chief resident but she stops for a second, turning back to face her.
“People here, they… they like to talk a lot of crap. It helps them deal with their menial lives. But don’t let them get you down. You’re doing a great job, Kepner. Show the world what you got.” Callie winks as April smiles brightly with a fervent nod. Callie nods with a soft smile before she turns from the woman.
As Callie opens the door to the on call room her body is met with the all too familiar exhaustion as the memories of this place begin to wash over her. Memories of how Arizona’s skin felt against hers, how her lips sucked against her neck, the way Arizona’s knees locked around her waist and held her firmly in place, the sound of her name being moaned from her lips the way her toes literally curled and her body quaked in orgasm. The memories crash into her time and time again, each one taking her breath and shredding her already broken heart into thinner pieces. It haunts her, each memory a painful reminder of everything they had once been, everything she had once only needed. And slowly, just like all the times before, Calliope Torres finds herself dejected and alone.
With a heavy sigh, the woman pushes her body forward, ignoring the cracks and aches in her joints disapproval. The fatigue looms over her as she sits down on the tiny bed, quickly kicking her shoes from her feet before sliding under the covers. However, the silence and the darkness of the room is one that does not bode well with a woman who is trying her hardest to forget the one thing that she simply cannot.
The silence is too loud. Too loud for her mind to stop thinking, too loud for her to lose herself in warmer happier thoughts than the ones that now plague her overworked brain, too loud for Callie to simply breathe.
Arizona is here; much like everywhere else Callie is and she can’t forget her, no matter how badly she wishes that she could.
Turning over in the bed, Callie clutches to the other pillow, pulling it to her chest as she wraps her arms tight around the fluffy object. Heavily, a breath escapes from her pursed lips as the all too familiar tears fill within her eyes as the hushed cries begin to echo through her body. She can still feel Arizona here, she can still hear the perky voice calling out her name, and she can still hear her breathing beside of her so peaceful and calm. She is here, she is everywhere.
Like a drug addict needs a needle and like an alcoholic needs a drink, Callie needs Arizona. To breathe, to function, to be alive.
In the darkness of the room, Callie allows herself to fall apart, allows the cries to shake her body and send her spiraling into the reality that she desperately has been trying to avoid. In the darkness, Callie allows herself to cry out of hurt, out of fear, out of the unknown. Not only for Arizona but for herself as well because somewhere, in the back of her overworked mind, she knows that neither of them are and never will be okay.
---
The alcohol helps take the edge off; at least, that is what Arizona told herself at first. A few drinks makes everything seem a little less bad, makes her a little less on guard and makes their fights seem less like the end. A few drinks after work never really hurt anyone, at least, that is the lie that Arizona tells herself when she finds herself in Joe’s bar after her shift instead of at home with her girlfriend. She convinced herself it was harmless really, a few shots of her favorite liquor and then she would be on her way.
But somewhere along the way a few drinks turned into a little more and then even that turned into a little more. Tonight is one of those nights when Arizona has had a few shots, perhaps one shot too many, but regardless, she swears to Joe that she is sober and takes her keys. Tonight is one of those nights when Arizona only slightly loses her balance climbing the stairs and checking herself outside of their apartment to make sure that she looks presentable. Tonight is one of those nights when Arizona forgets all the problems and heartache that plagues her and just simply is Arizona.
When she opens the door to their apartment, Calliope Torres nearly takes her breath away. The Latina sits in a black V-neck that hugs her body in all the right places, the shirt showing just enough cleavage that makes Arizona’s mouth water; she is also wearing a pair of jeans that curve at her hips in just the way that makes Arizona’s entire body tighten. Her wavy raven hair curls around her shoulders and Arizona aches to bury her fingers deep in it.
As Calliope’s eyes meet hers, Arizona feels the blush curl within her cheeks as all the heat and moisture in her body begin to settle somewhere else. Quickly, she drops her coat onto the floor, throwing her keys onto the table recklessly as she lets out a husky groan.
“A-Arizona?” Calliope intrigues, taken aback by the woman who is a far cry from the woman who left her for work this morning, this woman is complete opposite from the woman who she has been fighting with for months now.
“You want to have a baby? Let’s make one.” Arizona demands and Callie looks at her with a wrinkling of her brow, “Come on, don’t give me that look. You have been trying to get me pregnant for months now. We have the sperm. There is a freakin’ calendar in every room of this apartment that has my ovulation cycle circled on it and now when I want to have sex with you, you don’t want to?”
“No, no.” Callie quickly rises from her seat on the sofa, “it’s just… are you drunk?”
“Does it matter?” Arizona offers with a bright smile and playful laugh as she takes a large step toward her girlfriend. Carefully, she wraps her arms around Callie’s waist, pulling her close to her and the raven haired beauty looks at her, rather skeptical of her sudden aggression.
“Arizona….”
“Do you want me?” Arizona whispers huskily, her eyes scanning Callie’s body, “because God, I want you. I want you so much.” Suddenly, without warning, Arizona’s mouth collides with the Latinas, their lips crashing together in the most passionate of kisses. Before Callie has time to react or think even, her hands are tangling in Arizona’s lose blond curls, tugging as their kiss deepens, her teeth grazing only briefly upon her bottom lip. God, she has forgotten how good this feels, how good Arizona feels. Quickly, with that one kiss, all logic and reasoning is lost as the taller woman finds herself lost within all that is Arizona Robbins. Pulling away only briefly, Arizona’s bottled blues meet with Callie’s chocolate brown and she smiles that beaming grin that Callie has missed more often than not lately.
“Make love to me, Calliope.” Callie is not so sure if it is a plea or a demand but regardless of which, her body is already in overdrive and she could not deny her even if she wanted to. Grunting quietly, Calliope pulls her close as their bodies collide together in a deep, mouth opening kiss. As Arizona’s tongue enters her mouth, Callie can feel the fire catching within her stomach, a shock of electric and lust pulsing through her veins as her heart beat quickens. A quiet moan echoes from within her and rumbles against Arizona’s lips as the Latina lifts the girlfriend in her arms.
Without so much as a second thought, Arizona’s legs wrap around Callie’s waist as she tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, this time without care of drawing blood. Callie’s nails sink within the arch of the blonde’s back, creating a different moaning roar to escape from within her. Arizona’s fingers lose their way within Callie’s raven black curls as she tugs, deepening the kiss. Callie makes quick work of the layout of their apartment and pushes through their bedroom, pinning Arizona’s body against the wall with a loud grunt.
Groaning, Callie pulls her back and drops her onto the bed, more graceful than forceful. Callie climbs atop of the blonde, straddling her without so much of a debate as to who would be the bottom and who would be the top. Gazing down at her, Callie feels her heart skip a beat, those cobalt blue eyes simply staring up at her with so much love and affection written within them and she cannot help but wonder when they ever let this feeling slip away from them. She smiles, a genuine smile, one that she almost forgot she possessed these days.
Gently, her fingers slip under Arizona’s shirt as she tugs it upward and with a little assistance from Arizona lifts it above her head. Smiling brightly with a flash of her dimples, the blonde does not take long to make quick work of the V-neck that adorns Callie’s russet skin. At the brief feeling of Arizona’s fingers against her hot skin, Callie gasps quietly, lifting her arms as the fabric becomes a crumbled mess on their bedroom floor. Noticing Arizona’s bra, Callie smirks as she traces the shape of the cottoned undergarment, a pulsing rage burning in the pit of her stomach. She watches at Arizona tilts her head back at the sensation of her fingers against her skin and her body aches for her. Slowly, she slides the straps down her lover’s shoulders before she reaches behind her and gently unhooks the bra. With another gaze silenced by their attraction, Callie lifts the bra from Arizona, dropping it quickly onto the floor. For a moment, and a rather long one, Callie simply gazes at the woman, her fingers caressing the slender body that she loves so dearly, tracing every freckled inch.
Looking up at her, Arizona only smiles, a beautiful, heart touching smile as she rakes the hair away from Callie’s face, carefully tucking it behind her ear before she too, removes the undergarment that hides her girlfriend’s breasts. And for a long while, there are no words said or no actions taken as the two lovers simply gaze at each other, becoming carefully reacquainted with each other’s bodies.
Callie’s hands slide down Arizona’s body and grasp at her hips, creating a husky moan to vibrate from the blonde’s pursed lips. Quietly, her index finger traces the space of skin revealed just above her jeans before she slowly begins to undo the button. Looking up, she watches as the lust and desire circle within Arizona’s blue eyes. Slowly, she pulls the material down Arizona’s waist, then down her legs before she throws them away. She notices her panties, and instantly the grin upon her face widens when she notices the spot of wetness that has begun to seep through them. Without asking for permission, Callie slips one finger beneath the fabric, softly tickling her girlfriend’s center. Instantly, Arizona groans as her body tightens, digging her nails deep into Callie’s back. The Latina does not hesitate, but rather removes the last barrier from the body she so desired.
It started slow with Callie kissing Arizona’s neck and the Peds surgeon’s hands roaming the raven haired beauty’s body. However, somewhere along the way, the slowness of their love making turned into passionate, fiery, and hot.
Callie releases Arizona’s pulse point with a hard pop as she looks down at her, panting to catch a breath. Her hands squeeze the blonde’s hips for permission and Arizona moans in reassurance. Without so much as a second thought, Callie’s right hand slides down from her girlfriend’s hips and settles on her center. Carefully, she cups the heat with a smile before she begins slowly rubbing her clit, before she begins to speed up her pace with every caressing stroke.
Arizona moans loudly, digging her fingers into Callie’s bare back as the wetness and the juice soak Callie’s fingers and the Latina smiles proud at her accomplishment. Her eyes focused upon her face, she begins to rub Arizona harder, a little rougher, watching as every fiber within the woman beneath her begins to awaken and another flash of desire and arousal flush within her eyes. The taller woman lowers herself down onto her girlfriend, grinding her hips down into her as one finger enters her. Almost immediately, Arizona’s legs open wider as they trap around Callie’s waist. Tickling her wet wall, Callie pushes herself down into her with another grind as she enters another finger and a roaring moan escapes Arizona loudly.
“F-Fuck, Calliope.” Arizona moans pushing herself upward in arousal and it does not take the Latina long to know exactly what she needs. She pushes in deep, allowing her thumb to rub the skin of her center as her fingers curl deep within her. Arizona’s body lifts from the bed only briefly as it begins to tighten. Callie gasps out in a heavy moan as she pumps her fingers into her girlfriend, battling the resistance of the tightening walls. She lowers her head as she swallows Arizona’s nipple into her mouth, tugging at the perked bud as she digs her fingers in deep, their hips meeting together time and time again in a wild, bucking, passionate movement.
Callie releases the nipple with a loud grunt, pushing down harder than ever before into Arizona as her two fingers curl against her walls, pushing in as deep as they will go and Arizona moans loudly, Stumbling curses fall from her lips as her body begins to quake at Callie’s rapid, pumping sensation.
“Now, Calliope!” demands Arizona in a moaning yell.
It is the one direction that Callie has learned to take rather well over the past few months. Knowing there is no time to waste, the woman is only gone a brief second before she comes back with the sperm and the syringe that almost makes her extremely aroused girlfriend cringe. It takes the Latina only a matter of seconds to fill it with the semen they need and for Arizona to elevate her hips by the means of pillows beneath her.
Quietly, Callie smiles at her lover as she hovers her body above her, careful not to destroy the elevated, comfortable position in which she has found. Softly, she presses her lips against hers as she kisses her deeply, slowly gliding the syringe into her. She distracts Arizona with another deep kiss as she carefully injects the sperm into her.
And then, in a matter of a few moments, she removes the syringe and begins to rub her clit, careful to not penetrate and create more harm than good. Given Arizona’s arousal, the rubbing is hard and a little rough, but it only lasts a few minutes until the blond reaches her climax, quaking with the orgasm.
As the heat of the moment passes, Calliope collapses beside of her girlfriend in their bed. Gazing at her, she finds no words. No words to explain exactly how beautiful she is, how beautiful what they had just done is. Instead of saying anything, however, Callie simply reaches for her hand, intertwining their fingers and the two lay in the silence of the moment, waiting for their baby to be created.
They lie together as Calliope and Arizona, all former arguments and anger faded away, simply breathing in the moment and knowing that tomorrow, nothing will have ever changed. For in the morning, this love making will have long been forgotten and they will go back to their distraught relationship of nick picking and arguments. Yet for now, with the help of hormones and alcohol, none of it matters. For now, they are reminded of exactly why they fell in love with each other all those years ago.
---
Addison Forbes-Montgomery had never been the one to pray; her family only went to church on Christmas and to be quite frank- she had some problems with the big guy upstairs. Enough problems that kept her from her knees when she needed him the most, enough problems that made her feel like prayers were empty promises, especially given how her life has turned out.
But now, she finds herself sitting in the first pew at Seattle Grace-Mercy West’s chapel, staring up at a cross, and trying somehow, someway, to find the answers that she so desperately needs. Answers about what to do concerning Arizona, concerning the baby that Callie knows nothing about and concerning her current situation in her personal life.
Sighing desperately, the red haired woman bows her head as she closes her eyes, lacing her fingers around one another and her heart sinks a little heavier in her chest.
“Hey God. It’s me… Addison. Addison Montgomery. I know it has been a while since you and I have spoken and to be honest, I was okay with it going a little while longer. I am angry at you for a lot of things really, about my mom and my life and… just… a lot of things. But right now is not a time for anger or disappointment or resentment. Because right now, lives hang in the balance, lives that could very well destroy someone I love very much. I… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do with Arizona, God. And that baby. Her body has suffered so many traumas and when they went in there to try to fix her, they couldn’t until she stabilized and I don’t… I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what that means for her. I don’t know what that means for the baby. That baby is… if I deliver now, it could still survive but with all the trauma Arizona has went through, I don’t know… and Callie doesn’t even know. Callie doesn’t know. She doesn’t know that Arizona is pregnant. She doesn’t know that she is here or that her baby is growing inside of her. I just, I really need your help. Please God. Please. Amen.” Addison sucks in a hard breath as she fights the tears in her eyes.
“I never knew you were the type to pray,” A voice echoes from the back of the chapel and Addison does not even have to turn around to know who it belongs to. “We were married for eleven years, how did I not know that you prayed?” Derek states as he takes a seat in the pew next to his ex-wife. The red haired obstetrician looks at him with heavy and tired eyes as she slumps back into the polished wood. She loves how easy it is with him, how comfortable. How sometimes she does not even have to say a single word but Derek will just know that something is not quite right with her. She always said that it was only something soul mates could do and yet, despite their own personal problems, there was never a moment when Addison did not consider Derek Shepard to be her soul mate.
“I am not praying for myself. I’m praying for Arizona. For the baby. F…for Callie,” Addison mutters with a heavy sigh, “but I don’t even know why I bother. God doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t like me and he surely does not like me right now.” Gently, she tangles her fingers in her hair as she fights the tears that form within her eyes. Who is she to do this? Who is she to keep this secret from her best friend? Who is she to play God with someone’s life like this? She is no-one really, and she is especially no-one to be in control of someone’s life and future the way that she suddenly is in control of Callie’s now.
“Addison…” Derek trails off gazing at the beautiful woman beside of him before a soft smile curls upon his lips, “you save babies, God knows who you are. Arizona saves children, God knows who she is. And that baby is just…well… a baby. God is not just going to look the other direction because you are not the most… religious person. He’s not going to turn his back because you are a sinner, Addie. Because this? This isn’t really about you. This is about them. And Callie. And God… he owes them.” Derek explains with a weak smile and Addison nods quietly, absently playing with her fingers. She sighs heavily before she looks up at him with a careful bat of her long eyelashes before she offers her weakest smile toward him.
“I can’t help it. I just… Callie is my best friend…”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t know. Callie is my best friend. She has been there for me since… forever. And now, her girlfriend, excuse me, ex-girlfriend, is here because she was in a plane crash because she was coming back from Africa to tell her that she is pregnant. Eight months pregnant. With their baby. A baby that Callie doesn’t know anything about. A baby that may very well die just like Arizona may very well die. And here, I know about it all. They are both in my care and I am keeping it from her. Not to mention the fact that I am not telling her about you and me and…” Addison shakes her head with a sniffle, “I am not the person to play God with Callie’s life, Derek.” Derek, upon hearing what the woman has to say, simply nods his head before he turns in the pew, placing his hand atop of hers. Suddenly their eyes meet in the most gentle of gazes and Addison finds herself forgetting how to breathe as her chest tightens at his touch. The sensation of his skin upon hers creates electric shock pulsing through the red haired dame’s body as her stomach flips in dancing butterflies. Gently, and almost unexpectedly, he laces his fingers around Addison’s with a quiet squeeze.
Her eyes meet his and for a moment, the most peaceful and still of moments, the rest of the world seems to fade away. The reality of their situation, the sins they are committing, Arizona, the baby, Callie; for a moment all of it manages to fall away in the hushed silence. Until they are just Addison and Derek. Derek and Addison. Familiar eyes and familiar touches, familiarity and comfort and all things else seem to disappear.
“What if she…”
“She won’t.”
“Derek, what if she…”
“She won’t.”
“But damn it, what if she does?! How am I supposed to tell Callie that the love of her life and her baby that she didn’t even know about died? Huh? How do you tell your best friend that the two people she loves most in the world is dead because we couldn’t save them and she doesn’t even have the chance to say goodbye?” Addison snaps and Derek exhales deeply.
“We’ll find a way. If that happens, we’ll- we will find a way. You won’t… you won’t have to deal with it alone. I will be there with you, for you. And we’ll do it, together. But go there yet. Don’t mentally put yourself there because you can’t play the what if game, Addie. Because it will drive you out of your mind and it will hurt you as a surgeon. It could lose Arizona her life or their baby’s life because you’re too caught up in it to pay attention to the little things.” Absently, he plays with her fingers.
“I like to believe that at the end of the day, everything works out the way it is supposed to and people end up with the people they are meant to.” To this, he looks up at her with an all new sparkle in his eye. “Callie and Arizona are meant to be together, they’ll find a way. Everything will work out the way it’s meant to. Try not to worry so much.” He lifts their fingers and kisses her knuckles. Sighing comfortably, she smiles at the man before she lays her head on his shoulder and for a moment, simply allows herself to feel him, to inhale him, to be with him. However their moment is cut short by the loud, beeping pager
Grabbing the annoying pink object, the obstetrician looks down with a wrinkling brow.
“It’s a 911; I have to go.” Addison exclaims, slowly standing to her feet with a careful brush of the scrubs that adorn her gorgeous body. Derek nods quietly as he stands as well. “Derek I…” Her eyes meet with his once more as she searches for the words to say, but however; she cannot find them, simply because the words do not exist. The words do not exist to ever begin to explain the way that Addison Forbes-Montgomery feels about Derek Shepherd. He does not say anything either, but instead, wraps his arms around Addison tightly, engulfing her in the most comforting, loving hug. Weakly, Addison wraps her arms around him as she sniffles softly into his shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay. I promise.” Derek whispers, placing a kiss upon her temple and Addison nods softly, as she pulls back from their hug. Gently, she laces their fingers together as they make their way to the door of the chapel before she looks up at him with tired and weary eyes. Addison nods quietly, leaning upward as she places a gentle kiss upon his lips. Addison smiles softly, kissing him once more before disappearing around the corner and on the search to her patient’s room. Derek smiles a beaming accomplished grin as he leans against the door-facing, glancing down at his large watch. He waits nearly forty five seconds before he walks out of the chapel with his head held high and a bright smile upon his face.
However what he, like Addison, did not know is they were being watched.
Watched by someone who just may very well destroy their lives as they know it.