Heartbreak Warfare
Title: Heartbreak Warfare
Author: Brittany
Tagline: “Once you want it to begin, No one really every wins, In heartbreak warfare”
Summary: Callie and Arizona face their biggest obstacle yet.
Spoilers: 6X17: “Push”
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
-
“How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break free at all.
It's a heartbreak...
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien.”
Heartbreak Warfare- John Mayer
Bouncing up the stairs, lacking her normal perky physique and attitude, a very tired Arizona plays with the apartment complex keys in her hands. Her once sparkling blue eyes are now drained of their usual happiness and joy and is replaced by a sickening gray of sadness. The lines written upon her face that would once tell a story of happiness and love, now tell a different story entirely; one of heart ache and bitterness. The dimple revealing smile that used to take every one's breath away is lost somewhere between the bitter truth of her situation and the stubborn facts that she wishes she could ignore.
Somewhere between their last conversation and the four days of avoidance by her girlfriend, Arizona Robbins has managed to lose herself. Important pieces falling away for any one to see, pieces that would not fit so perfectly anymore, creating a gap in the masterpiece puzzle that she has created. Pieces that, no matter how much glue or tape or careful consideration in their placement, would no longer fit.
Today had been a day from hell, which was nothing out of the norm for her lately. The hours managed to drag by slowly, each tick of the clock creating another fatality that she could have prevented, or so she thought. A five year old girl came in with a case of the flu, the flu, something that should have been easily to cure, something that should have required no real effort on her part. But after prescribing an injection of medication that the young girl was, unbeknownst to any one, allergic to, would prove fatal. The young girl went into cardiac arrest and died, all because she prescribed her the wrong medication. Shaking her head as she rounds the corner to her apartment, Arizona just can not get the parents faces out of her mind when she told them she did everything she could.
Except she didn't. She could have tried harder, she sighs, she should have been able to do something, anything to save their little girl. But she failed that little girl. The same way that she failed Callie.
Tears burn in her lifeless eyes now as she brushes a golden curl away from her face. It has been four days since her last conversation with Callie, and even that one, was strained. For four days, the bad-ass Ortho goddess has been doing her damnedest to avoid her. Left her calls and texts unanswered. Disappeared in the cafeteria to avoid their normal lunch date. Took the stairs instead of risking sharing an elevator with her. Steered clear of the on-call room and sent the other Orthopedic surgeon to answer her pages. Four days she has been without her beautiful face and raspy voice, and she swears her heart is going to explode if this little dance of theirs goes on any longer.
She knows it is her fault, it is her opinion that has created this mess she finds her relationship in. The illusion of children, a dog, a big house, rose garden and a white picket fence, sounded perfect to Callie but for Arizona, the dream was terrifying. The big house, the rose garden, the dog, hell, even some chickens, sounded amazing to her, but the idea of children was something that left her breathless. Tiny, helpless little reflections of her love for Calliope shook her to the core.
Jingling the keys in her hands, she pushes them in the golden lock, as the weight around her shoulders seem as if they are collapsing upon her chest. She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to keep her tears at bay before she pushes the door open to reveal the black abyss of her apartment. She shivers a sigh as she steps inside, leaving the lights dimmed as she places the keys and her purse upon the table before she shimmers out of her leather jacket that she borrowed from Calliope. Twisting her fingers in her hair, she notices the wine glass left upon her counter top and she doesn't think twice before she heads into her painted yellow kitchen.
“Clouds of suffer in the air, bombs exploding everywhere, it's heartbreak warfare,” Arizona sings quietly to herself, turning the wine glass upright. She opens her refrigerator, exploring the contents before she pulls out a bottle of beer, deciding against the wine for tonight.
“Once you want it to begin, no one ever really wins in heartbreak warfare. If you want more love, why don't you just say so? If you want more love, why don't you just say so? Just say so..” hums Ari, popping the top of her beer before she takes a swig of the burning alcohol. Twisting her nose in an unsightly fashion, the blond takes another large gulp, trying to ease the pain that aches through her heart.
“You don't want kids?” A chilling voice calls out to her, startling her as she jumps just slightly, spilling the contents of her drink onto the counter. Cursing, she grabs a towel from the drawer as she attempts to clean the sudden mess she has created before she turns around to face her visitor.
“Jesus, Calliope. Must you sneak up on someone like that?! Do you know how close you were to being hit with this?! Just shaved ten more years off my life, but hey, who really wants to live to be eighty anyway? You're all gray and smelly and can't remember anything,” Arizona jokes with a groan, working intensely to clean her spill. She expects to her a laugh from the raven haired beauty, but instead the Orthopedic Surgeon only sighs, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
“You don't want kids?” She repeats herself as if Arizona had not heard her the first time. The Peds surgeon rests her hands against the marble counter top with a wrinkled brow, taking in the sight of the beautiful, yet clearly distraught woman standing in front of her. The woman who meant the world to her, the woman that she never meant to hurt but the look on her face tells her how much she has failed that promise.
“You...uh...you've been avoiding me for the past week. You haven't returned my calls or my texts and you take the stairs instead of riding the elevator because you're afraid that I might be in there. You...you eat lunch alone instead of in the cafeteria with the rest of us because you're afraid that I'll want to sit with you. It's been nearly a week and this? This is the first thing that you say to me?” Arizona asks, the amount of hurt and bitterness echoing through her every word like a melody to a perfect song. Calliope, however, does not budge, instead she simply shrugs her shoulders, her eyes locked intently upon her flawless face.
“Just answer the question, Arizona,” sighs Calliope and that is when Arizona notices it. The once joyous beautiful melody that flowed through her voice has been replaced by the sound of sleep deprivation, fear and sadness. The sound of heartache and pain, two things that she never meant to put her through.
“Calliope, I don't think that now is the...” she is interrupted.
“Damn it, Arizona. Just answer the question!” She snaps and Arizona winces at the sound of anger instilled with her raspy voice. The pain flashes through Callie's dark russet eyes when she notices her girlfriend's reaction as the young blond practically cowers before her but she still stands, solemn and strong as ever before.
“N-no,” stutters Arizona, ducking her head as her blond curls come forward to shade her perfect face. The room around them falls to a halting silence, the type of silence in which no words need to be said in order for Arizona to know what is coming next. She expects Callie to storm past her, grab her jacket and slam the door behind her, leaving her to cry and nurse her broken heart through endless bottles of alcohol. She expects her to tell her that it's over, that she wants to be with someone who has the same future in mind and that she never wants to see her again. Yet, much to her surprise, Calliope simply stands in the moment, as if she is frozen in time, before she inhales a deep breath.
“Well, I do,” Callie admits with a sigh. Staring at her, through her glossy eyes, Arizona finds herself at a loss for words, so she simply nods her head. Saying nothing, she pushes herself away from the counter as she walks to the table, grabbing the jacket that she has borrowed from her. Holding it in her hands, she tries to ignore the tears that are crashing down her cheeks, cutting away at her slowly, one painful piece at a time. The raven haired beauty makes her way to her girlfriend as the blond shifts her weight, her trembling fingers tracing a pattern upon the leather jacket.
“And you should. You'd...you will make a fantastic mother. And I get it, you know? You want that life, you want kids and I don't. It's okay, really. I understand. You...uh...you want to find someone who shares that idea of a future with you and that person just isn't me, right? M-maybe you should try Mark. Apparently he wants a stable life now or whatever. You...uh...you can have this back...I tried to...I tried...” Arizona's voice breaks and she hangs her head with a groan, “damn it.” She curses under her breath, her heart twisting in another painful knot. Callie sighs with a sad smile, placing her hand upon Arizona's, catching her blue eyes and suddenly, it is as if the world is falling away around them.
“I don't think you are understanding me. I-I want kids, Arizona. I've always wanted kids. And yeah, it would be easy to walk out of this apartment tonight and find someone who shares the same idea of a future that I do. I think every one in the country shares the same idea of a white picket fence, you know? B-but that's not what I want. I don't want just a kid. I want your kids. Our kids. Two little girls and a little boy with a dog and...chickens, a big house, a white picket fence. I-I want it. With you,” Callie explains, taking the jacket from Arizona's hands, placing it back onto the table.
“Callie...I can't...I can't do that,” Arizona stutters, trying desperately to avoid her gaze but, like a moth drawn to a flame, she just can not bring herself to look away. Unsatisfied with her answer, Callie shakes her head, taking another step toward the gorgeous blond, decreasing the distance that separates their bodies.
“Why not? H-how could you not want to have kids? You are a Peds surgeon. You...you talk about how kids believe in magic, about the rainbows, fairy dust and the innocence. I watch you with them. The way that you interact with them, the way that you play and you smile. You're meant for this. You meant for kids. Sick kids and your own. How could you stand there and tell me that you don't want to have kids when they make you so happy?” Callie intrigues and Arizona shakes her head, taking a step backward, a weak smile forming on the ends of her lips.
“Are you aware of what you just said? You are a Peds surgeon. Do you know what I do? I watch kids, the most innocent, beautiful and brilliant children lose the fight of their lives. I watch them succumb to sickness and illnesses and conditions that should not be brought upon them. I fight for them, I fight like hell but sometimes, at the end of the day, it is not enough. Sometimes I lose and they lose and their family has to go and buy a tiny coffin. So, when you ask me how I could not want to have a kid? Well, the answer is quite simple. I lose children every day, Calliope and it kills me. I...I couldn't handle losing our child because of something that I didn't do,” Arizona replies, her voice wavering, threatening to break yet again. The tears blister in her beautiful blue eyes, a sight that nearly takes Callie's breath and steals her heart.
“Ari...” but, Calliope finds herself at a loss for words, falling silent as she allows Arizona to speak.
“When kids come to see me, their families are scared to death because their child is sick. And I have to tell them that I can fix it, I give them hope and promise that their son or daughter is going to survive but sometimes...sometimes they don't. Those kids are so sick and yet, they are so full of life and hope. They don't understand evil or the unfairness of their situation. They just want to get better so their Mommy's can stop worrying. And I am the one who takes their life in my hands and I am the one who tells the parents that even though, I tried as hard as I could, I lost them. I am the one who sees the look on their face when they find out that their child, their beautifully brilliant and brave child is dead. I...I can't do that. I can't pick myself up and move on after something like that. I can't handle that if it happens to us,” cries Arizona and Callie simply watches as the once strong tower of a woman slowly begins to unravel in front of her.
“So, when you ask me that, I say no because I don't want to lose a son or a daughter. I don't want to lose our son or our daughter knowing that there is something that I could have done to save them. You don't see death every day the way that I do, you don't see the sickness or the hurt, the way that I do every day. The hurt that I instill because I didn't try hard enough to save someone's child. Yeah, I would love to have kids. I would love to have kids with you. But I can't handle putting you through something like that, knowing that I was not enough to save them, to protect them from something like that. When I say no, it's not because I don't want them, it's because I don't want to hurt you any more,” Arizona cries and that is when every amount of anger that Calliope has ever felt for the beautiful blond falls away. Instead, she wraps the woman in her arms, rubbing soft circles into her back as she places a delicate kiss upon her head.
“Oh, Arizona. That's why you don't want to have kids, isn't it? Because you're scared,” Callie whispers and Arizona chuckles, stepping away.
“Of course, I'm scared. I'm terrified. Because you want to have kids and you deserve to get what you want. But I see all the things that could go wrong with having a kid and it scares me because I don't want you to go through something like that,” Arizona sighs. Calliope chuckles, a warm smile playing on her lips as her eyes become fixated upon the most flawless pair of heart aching blue.
“Things could go right too. Not every kid is going to die, Arizona. Kids get sick, it happens. They have weak immune systems that sometimes parents ignore and let them by without taking their vitamins, drinking their milk or juice. It's inevitable that a kid will get sick at some point in their life, but they won't always die. Sometimes, they grow up. Parents get to watch their kid slowly grow into the person that they want to them to be, a perfection reflection of the love they share for one another. Sometimes things work out,” Callie explains with a smile but Arizona shakes her head with a sniffle.
“So many things could go wrong though, I don't think you are even aware. Having a kid is so risky,” Arizona cries and Callie simply shrugs her shoulders, taking another small step toward her girlfriend.
“Yeah, well so is kissing a complete stranger in a bathroom at the local pub and then pursuing a relationship with them. But look at us, we're amazing together. And you would make the world's most amazing mother to our child. Our child would be lucky to have someone like you, someone who loves so fearlessly and fights so hard to protect the innocent. Our son or daughter would be lucky to have two parents who love each other as much as we do, parents who would do anything to see him or her happy. There is always going to be a reason to be afraid of something, Arizona, but sometimes...well sometimes you have to jump blindly to get the reward,” Callie exclaims, a smile glowing upon her beautiful face. Taking another well placed step toward her girlfriend, she can only watch as Arizona's face studies her eyes in careful consideration of what has just been said.
“But...but what if little Sophia or Landon gets sick? What if they get really sick...they are going to be scared and we're going to be scared...and what if there's nothing that...” but Arizona is interrupted when Calliope's lips press hard against hers. She stiffens for a moment before she melts into her arms and into the kiss, allowing their bodies to become perfectly intertwined, like the most delicate piece of art.
“Then we will figure it out...together. Because I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through it, together. As a family. You are the only person that I want to have a family with,” smiles Calliope. With a sniffle, Arizona's lips devour hers, quickly and passionately. Twirling around the room, the two women become intertwined in a dance, as if they are alive to music. Suddenly, Calliope hands rest hard upon Arizona's waist as she lifts her up onto the marble counter top. Spreading her fingers on the inner part of her thigh, her teeth graze upon the blond's bottom lip for a moment, before Arizona pulls away.
“Yes,” Arizona labors for a breath and Callie's head snaps up in surprise, a wide, yet beautiful, smile curling upon her face as her eyes light up in the utmost happiness.
“Yes?” she asks in disbelief and Arizona nods her head, an all to familiar dimple revealing smile forming upon her light pink lips.
“Yeah. Yes, I want to have kids. I want to have kids with you. I want the big house, the white picket fence, the dogs, the chickens and our two little girls and little boy. As long as they have your eyes,” Arizona smiles and Callie can not stop the gleeful squeal that escapes from her lips.
“And your dimples!” states Callie.
“And your hair!” squeals Arizona.
“And fight like you!” Callie laughs.
“And love fearlessly, like you,” Arizona admits with a sigh, placing her lips against Calliope's. As the two share their long passionate kiss, the world seems to fall away around them, the troubles, the heart ache, the fear and the regret, suddenly means nothing anymore. Callie pulls away with a smirk, placing a kiss upon the bridge of her nose as she slowly begins to lose herself in the pair of aqua blue.
“I love you for saying yes,” Callie smiles and Arizona only rolls her eyes.
“As if I could ever say no to you in the first place. I was always going to come around, I think I just needed a little convincing. And maybe...I need a little more convincing?” Arizona smirks with a simple arch of her eyebrow, knocking the items off the counter as she digs her fingers into the fabric of Calliope's shirt. With a squeal and a laugh, it does not take long before the raven haired beauty is straddling the blond on the counter, a smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes.
“Practice makes perfect, right?” Callie smiles, placing tender kisses upon Arizona's neck.
“Exactly,” Arizona replies in a husky voice as her lips collide hard with her girlfriend's and her fingers become intertwined within her raven black curls. The moment slows down around them as their slow, passionate love illuminates the once darkened apartment and suddenly Arizona knows that she can not wait to start a family with Calliope Torres.
Author: Brittany
Tagline: “Once you want it to begin, No one really every wins, In heartbreak warfare”
Summary: Callie and Arizona face their biggest obstacle yet.
Spoilers: 6X17: “Push”
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings and events thereof, are properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
-
“How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break free at all.
It's a heartbreak...
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien.”
Heartbreak Warfare- John Mayer
Bouncing up the stairs, lacking her normal perky physique and attitude, a very tired Arizona plays with the apartment complex keys in her hands. Her once sparkling blue eyes are now drained of their usual happiness and joy and is replaced by a sickening gray of sadness. The lines written upon her face that would once tell a story of happiness and love, now tell a different story entirely; one of heart ache and bitterness. The dimple revealing smile that used to take every one's breath away is lost somewhere between the bitter truth of her situation and the stubborn facts that she wishes she could ignore.
Somewhere between their last conversation and the four days of avoidance by her girlfriend, Arizona Robbins has managed to lose herself. Important pieces falling away for any one to see, pieces that would not fit so perfectly anymore, creating a gap in the masterpiece puzzle that she has created. Pieces that, no matter how much glue or tape or careful consideration in their placement, would no longer fit.
Today had been a day from hell, which was nothing out of the norm for her lately. The hours managed to drag by slowly, each tick of the clock creating another fatality that she could have prevented, or so she thought. A five year old girl came in with a case of the flu, the flu, something that should have been easily to cure, something that should have required no real effort on her part. But after prescribing an injection of medication that the young girl was, unbeknownst to any one, allergic to, would prove fatal. The young girl went into cardiac arrest and died, all because she prescribed her the wrong medication. Shaking her head as she rounds the corner to her apartment, Arizona just can not get the parents faces out of her mind when she told them she did everything she could.
Except she didn't. She could have tried harder, she sighs, she should have been able to do something, anything to save their little girl. But she failed that little girl. The same way that she failed Callie.
Tears burn in her lifeless eyes now as she brushes a golden curl away from her face. It has been four days since her last conversation with Callie, and even that one, was strained. For four days, the bad-ass Ortho goddess has been doing her damnedest to avoid her. Left her calls and texts unanswered. Disappeared in the cafeteria to avoid their normal lunch date. Took the stairs instead of risking sharing an elevator with her. Steered clear of the on-call room and sent the other Orthopedic surgeon to answer her pages. Four days she has been without her beautiful face and raspy voice, and she swears her heart is going to explode if this little dance of theirs goes on any longer.
She knows it is her fault, it is her opinion that has created this mess she finds her relationship in. The illusion of children, a dog, a big house, rose garden and a white picket fence, sounded perfect to Callie but for Arizona, the dream was terrifying. The big house, the rose garden, the dog, hell, even some chickens, sounded amazing to her, but the idea of children was something that left her breathless. Tiny, helpless little reflections of her love for Calliope shook her to the core.
Jingling the keys in her hands, she pushes them in the golden lock, as the weight around her shoulders seem as if they are collapsing upon her chest. She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to keep her tears at bay before she pushes the door open to reveal the black abyss of her apartment. She shivers a sigh as she steps inside, leaving the lights dimmed as she places the keys and her purse upon the table before she shimmers out of her leather jacket that she borrowed from Calliope. Twisting her fingers in her hair, she notices the wine glass left upon her counter top and she doesn't think twice before she heads into her painted yellow kitchen.
“Clouds of suffer in the air, bombs exploding everywhere, it's heartbreak warfare,” Arizona sings quietly to herself, turning the wine glass upright. She opens her refrigerator, exploring the contents before she pulls out a bottle of beer, deciding against the wine for tonight.
“Once you want it to begin, no one ever really wins in heartbreak warfare. If you want more love, why don't you just say so? If you want more love, why don't you just say so? Just say so..” hums Ari, popping the top of her beer before she takes a swig of the burning alcohol. Twisting her nose in an unsightly fashion, the blond takes another large gulp, trying to ease the pain that aches through her heart.
“You don't want kids?” A chilling voice calls out to her, startling her as she jumps just slightly, spilling the contents of her drink onto the counter. Cursing, she grabs a towel from the drawer as she attempts to clean the sudden mess she has created before she turns around to face her visitor.
“Jesus, Calliope. Must you sneak up on someone like that?! Do you know how close you were to being hit with this?! Just shaved ten more years off my life, but hey, who really wants to live to be eighty anyway? You're all gray and smelly and can't remember anything,” Arizona jokes with a groan, working intensely to clean her spill. She expects to her a laugh from the raven haired beauty, but instead the Orthopedic Surgeon only sighs, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
“You don't want kids?” She repeats herself as if Arizona had not heard her the first time. The Peds surgeon rests her hands against the marble counter top with a wrinkled brow, taking in the sight of the beautiful, yet clearly distraught woman standing in front of her. The woman who meant the world to her, the woman that she never meant to hurt but the look on her face tells her how much she has failed that promise.
“You...uh...you've been avoiding me for the past week. You haven't returned my calls or my texts and you take the stairs instead of riding the elevator because you're afraid that I might be in there. You...you eat lunch alone instead of in the cafeteria with the rest of us because you're afraid that I'll want to sit with you. It's been nearly a week and this? This is the first thing that you say to me?” Arizona asks, the amount of hurt and bitterness echoing through her every word like a melody to a perfect song. Calliope, however, does not budge, instead she simply shrugs her shoulders, her eyes locked intently upon her flawless face.
“Just answer the question, Arizona,” sighs Calliope and that is when Arizona notices it. The once joyous beautiful melody that flowed through her voice has been replaced by the sound of sleep deprivation, fear and sadness. The sound of heartache and pain, two things that she never meant to put her through.
“Calliope, I don't think that now is the...” she is interrupted.
“Damn it, Arizona. Just answer the question!” She snaps and Arizona winces at the sound of anger instilled with her raspy voice. The pain flashes through Callie's dark russet eyes when she notices her girlfriend's reaction as the young blond practically cowers before her but she still stands, solemn and strong as ever before.
“N-no,” stutters Arizona, ducking her head as her blond curls come forward to shade her perfect face. The room around them falls to a halting silence, the type of silence in which no words need to be said in order for Arizona to know what is coming next. She expects Callie to storm past her, grab her jacket and slam the door behind her, leaving her to cry and nurse her broken heart through endless bottles of alcohol. She expects her to tell her that it's over, that she wants to be with someone who has the same future in mind and that she never wants to see her again. Yet, much to her surprise, Calliope simply stands in the moment, as if she is frozen in time, before she inhales a deep breath.
“Well, I do,” Callie admits with a sigh. Staring at her, through her glossy eyes, Arizona finds herself at a loss for words, so she simply nods her head. Saying nothing, she pushes herself away from the counter as she walks to the table, grabbing the jacket that she has borrowed from her. Holding it in her hands, she tries to ignore the tears that are crashing down her cheeks, cutting away at her slowly, one painful piece at a time. The raven haired beauty makes her way to her girlfriend as the blond shifts her weight, her trembling fingers tracing a pattern upon the leather jacket.
“And you should. You'd...you will make a fantastic mother. And I get it, you know? You want that life, you want kids and I don't. It's okay, really. I understand. You...uh...you want to find someone who shares that idea of a future with you and that person just isn't me, right? M-maybe you should try Mark. Apparently he wants a stable life now or whatever. You...uh...you can have this back...I tried to...I tried...” Arizona's voice breaks and she hangs her head with a groan, “damn it.” She curses under her breath, her heart twisting in another painful knot. Callie sighs with a sad smile, placing her hand upon Arizona's, catching her blue eyes and suddenly, it is as if the world is falling away around them.
“I don't think you are understanding me. I-I want kids, Arizona. I've always wanted kids. And yeah, it would be easy to walk out of this apartment tonight and find someone who shares the same idea of a future that I do. I think every one in the country shares the same idea of a white picket fence, you know? B-but that's not what I want. I don't want just a kid. I want your kids. Our kids. Two little girls and a little boy with a dog and...chickens, a big house, a white picket fence. I-I want it. With you,” Callie explains, taking the jacket from Arizona's hands, placing it back onto the table.
“Callie...I can't...I can't do that,” Arizona stutters, trying desperately to avoid her gaze but, like a moth drawn to a flame, she just can not bring herself to look away. Unsatisfied with her answer, Callie shakes her head, taking another step toward the gorgeous blond, decreasing the distance that separates their bodies.
“Why not? H-how could you not want to have kids? You are a Peds surgeon. You...you talk about how kids believe in magic, about the rainbows, fairy dust and the innocence. I watch you with them. The way that you interact with them, the way that you play and you smile. You're meant for this. You meant for kids. Sick kids and your own. How could you stand there and tell me that you don't want to have kids when they make you so happy?” Callie intrigues and Arizona shakes her head, taking a step backward, a weak smile forming on the ends of her lips.
“Are you aware of what you just said? You are a Peds surgeon. Do you know what I do? I watch kids, the most innocent, beautiful and brilliant children lose the fight of their lives. I watch them succumb to sickness and illnesses and conditions that should not be brought upon them. I fight for them, I fight like hell but sometimes, at the end of the day, it is not enough. Sometimes I lose and they lose and their family has to go and buy a tiny coffin. So, when you ask me how I could not want to have a kid? Well, the answer is quite simple. I lose children every day, Calliope and it kills me. I...I couldn't handle losing our child because of something that I didn't do,” Arizona replies, her voice wavering, threatening to break yet again. The tears blister in her beautiful blue eyes, a sight that nearly takes Callie's breath and steals her heart.
“Ari...” but, Calliope finds herself at a loss for words, falling silent as she allows Arizona to speak.
“When kids come to see me, their families are scared to death because their child is sick. And I have to tell them that I can fix it, I give them hope and promise that their son or daughter is going to survive but sometimes...sometimes they don't. Those kids are so sick and yet, they are so full of life and hope. They don't understand evil or the unfairness of their situation. They just want to get better so their Mommy's can stop worrying. And I am the one who takes their life in my hands and I am the one who tells the parents that even though, I tried as hard as I could, I lost them. I am the one who sees the look on their face when they find out that their child, their beautifully brilliant and brave child is dead. I...I can't do that. I can't pick myself up and move on after something like that. I can't handle that if it happens to us,” cries Arizona and Callie simply watches as the once strong tower of a woman slowly begins to unravel in front of her.
“So, when you ask me that, I say no because I don't want to lose a son or a daughter. I don't want to lose our son or our daughter knowing that there is something that I could have done to save them. You don't see death every day the way that I do, you don't see the sickness or the hurt, the way that I do every day. The hurt that I instill because I didn't try hard enough to save someone's child. Yeah, I would love to have kids. I would love to have kids with you. But I can't handle putting you through something like that, knowing that I was not enough to save them, to protect them from something like that. When I say no, it's not because I don't want them, it's because I don't want to hurt you any more,” Arizona cries and that is when every amount of anger that Calliope has ever felt for the beautiful blond falls away. Instead, she wraps the woman in her arms, rubbing soft circles into her back as she places a delicate kiss upon her head.
“Oh, Arizona. That's why you don't want to have kids, isn't it? Because you're scared,” Callie whispers and Arizona chuckles, stepping away.
“Of course, I'm scared. I'm terrified. Because you want to have kids and you deserve to get what you want. But I see all the things that could go wrong with having a kid and it scares me because I don't want you to go through something like that,” Arizona sighs. Calliope chuckles, a warm smile playing on her lips as her eyes become fixated upon the most flawless pair of heart aching blue.
“Things could go right too. Not every kid is going to die, Arizona. Kids get sick, it happens. They have weak immune systems that sometimes parents ignore and let them by without taking their vitamins, drinking their milk or juice. It's inevitable that a kid will get sick at some point in their life, but they won't always die. Sometimes, they grow up. Parents get to watch their kid slowly grow into the person that they want to them to be, a perfection reflection of the love they share for one another. Sometimes things work out,” Callie explains with a smile but Arizona shakes her head with a sniffle.
“So many things could go wrong though, I don't think you are even aware. Having a kid is so risky,” Arizona cries and Callie simply shrugs her shoulders, taking another small step toward her girlfriend.
“Yeah, well so is kissing a complete stranger in a bathroom at the local pub and then pursuing a relationship with them. But look at us, we're amazing together. And you would make the world's most amazing mother to our child. Our child would be lucky to have someone like you, someone who loves so fearlessly and fights so hard to protect the innocent. Our son or daughter would be lucky to have two parents who love each other as much as we do, parents who would do anything to see him or her happy. There is always going to be a reason to be afraid of something, Arizona, but sometimes...well sometimes you have to jump blindly to get the reward,” Callie exclaims, a smile glowing upon her beautiful face. Taking another well placed step toward her girlfriend, she can only watch as Arizona's face studies her eyes in careful consideration of what has just been said.
“But...but what if little Sophia or Landon gets sick? What if they get really sick...they are going to be scared and we're going to be scared...and what if there's nothing that...” but Arizona is interrupted when Calliope's lips press hard against hers. She stiffens for a moment before she melts into her arms and into the kiss, allowing their bodies to become perfectly intertwined, like the most delicate piece of art.
“Then we will figure it out...together. Because I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through it, together. As a family. You are the only person that I want to have a family with,” smiles Calliope. With a sniffle, Arizona's lips devour hers, quickly and passionately. Twirling around the room, the two women become intertwined in a dance, as if they are alive to music. Suddenly, Calliope hands rest hard upon Arizona's waist as she lifts her up onto the marble counter top. Spreading her fingers on the inner part of her thigh, her teeth graze upon the blond's bottom lip for a moment, before Arizona pulls away.
“Yes,” Arizona labors for a breath and Callie's head snaps up in surprise, a wide, yet beautiful, smile curling upon her face as her eyes light up in the utmost happiness.
“Yes?” she asks in disbelief and Arizona nods her head, an all to familiar dimple revealing smile forming upon her light pink lips.
“Yeah. Yes, I want to have kids. I want to have kids with you. I want the big house, the white picket fence, the dogs, the chickens and our two little girls and little boy. As long as they have your eyes,” Arizona smiles and Callie can not stop the gleeful squeal that escapes from her lips.
“And your dimples!” states Callie.
“And your hair!” squeals Arizona.
“And fight like you!” Callie laughs.
“And love fearlessly, like you,” Arizona admits with a sigh, placing her lips against Calliope's. As the two share their long passionate kiss, the world seems to fall away around them, the troubles, the heart ache, the fear and the regret, suddenly means nothing anymore. Callie pulls away with a smirk, placing a kiss upon the bridge of her nose as she slowly begins to lose herself in the pair of aqua blue.
“I love you for saying yes,” Callie smiles and Arizona only rolls her eyes.
“As if I could ever say no to you in the first place. I was always going to come around, I think I just needed a little convincing. And maybe...I need a little more convincing?” Arizona smirks with a simple arch of her eyebrow, knocking the items off the counter as she digs her fingers into the fabric of Calliope's shirt. With a squeal and a laugh, it does not take long before the raven haired beauty is straddling the blond on the counter, a smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes.
“Practice makes perfect, right?” Callie smiles, placing tender kisses upon Arizona's neck.
“Exactly,” Arizona replies in a husky voice as her lips collide hard with her girlfriend's and her fingers become intertwined within her raven black curls. The moment slows down around them as their slow, passionate love illuminates the once darkened apartment and suddenly Arizona knows that she can not wait to start a family with Calliope Torres.