i really hate my living situation
i'm a horrible person. i hate having a roommate but i don't think it's because i hate having a roommate. i think it's because i hate having a roommate who can't pay the bills, whose shit is everyfucking where in my room. who doesn't clean yet has all the fucking time in the world to do so. who, when i come home in the afternoon to shower, is still sitting in her pjs watching tv, not looking for a job. she has her second interview at borders today i think. but that still leaves 3 weeks at least before she makes her first paycheck. it's just fucking annoying to know that i'm supporting someone and having to deal with her being upset about the fact that she'd only seen one person (me) for the past 3 days. now, whose fucking fault is that one? she has a car now yet won't even try to get out of the apartment. she blames everyone else but herself. i know, i'm a heartless bitch. it's just, i'm tired of supporting someone financially as well as emotionally. i'm glad i've only ståyed at my place like 4 times in the past over a month. that has saved me from flipping out completely. i just feel like i need some space of my own and i don't have it. even if she's not there, i still feel crowded. maybe if she had her own room and job it would help. actually, i'm sure it'd make a hell of a difference. cause then i'd lock my door. not because i'd think she'd steal anything, but just so i could know that what was in my room would stay in my room the way i fucking left it. i know, i should feel sorry for her because she has had a fucked up life, but i really believe that, after a certain point, you determine your life. if you only hang out with guys that treat you badly, eventually, that becomes your fault. if you say, ""no boys want to date me," "i'm 23 and i've never had a serious relationship. all i want is a serious relatinoship," then you are kind of asking to be hurt. you are giving control to everyone else and not taking control of your own life. you have to look out for yourself and take care of yourself. you can't depend on others or be so fucking needy.
now, don't get me wrong. i believe in being there for friends who are in need. i would hope my friends would help me, but i would also hope they would tell me when i'm fucking feeling sorry for myself and when i need to just pick myself up and get my shit together. i think everyone needs to feel needed somewhat, but, i cant' take the, "amanda, can i tell you something? i lov eyou" every 5 minutes. i don't throw those words around. i also don't feel like hearing it 75 times a day when i only see her for about 25 minutes a day. i intentionally stay away. i am a fucking fucking mother fucking bitch. i know. i am heartless. i am compassionless. i am just fucking fed up. i know that things might be changing and that i may not be able to stay at jeff's every night like i have been. that leaves me with not having a bed of my own to stay in or an apartment of my own to stay in. that leaves me walking around someone else's mess in my own fucking bedroom and cleaning up after someone and buying groceries so that someone can eat and paying bills so that someone can live there. i don't have a kid. i don't have a boyfriend. i don't want to deal with this anymore. maybe i'm just crabby this weekend and i'll get over it later. but, since friday, everything she's done has made me want to tell her to leave me the fuck alone. god, i'm a bitch and i know it. i'm sorry that you have to see this side of me.
now, don't get me wrong. i believe in being there for friends who are in need. i would hope my friends would help me, but i would also hope they would tell me when i'm fucking feeling sorry for myself and when i need to just pick myself up and get my shit together. i think everyone needs to feel needed somewhat, but, i cant' take the, "amanda, can i tell you something? i lov eyou" every 5 minutes. i don't throw those words around. i also don't feel like hearing it 75 times a day when i only see her for about 25 minutes a day. i intentionally stay away. i am a fucking fucking mother fucking bitch. i know. i am heartless. i am compassionless. i am just fucking fed up. i know that things might be changing and that i may not be able to stay at jeff's every night like i have been. that leaves me with not having a bed of my own to stay in or an apartment of my own to stay in. that leaves me walking around someone else's mess in my own fucking bedroom and cleaning up after someone and buying groceries so that someone can eat and paying bills so that someone can live there. i don't have a kid. i don't have a boyfriend. i don't want to deal with this anymore. maybe i'm just crabby this weekend and i'll get over it later. but, since friday, everything she's done has made me want to tell her to leave me the fuck alone. god, i'm a bitch and i know it. i'm sorry that you have to see this side of me.