The past is the past.
If I had the courage to write my Mother a letter to explain to her how I felt and what I have had to deal with in the past growing up, I think she might understand me a bit better. I’ve tried time and time again to write her a letter. I could never accomplish it. I would start, but could never find the words to finish it. I try to find the right things to say to efficiently express myself without hurting her feelings. I know that she has had a difficult time while she was growing up, but things could have been different. I don’t want to say that she was a bad Mother, because she wasn’t. She expressed love and concern for my siblings and I, but again she’d also turn around and call us “Stupid” and/or “Retarded” and then deny even saying those things to our faces.
My Mother thinks that her kids hate her, but she is wrong. We don’t hate her, We just don’t and can’t express ourselves because it wasn’t something we were taught growing up. We never exchanged “I love you’s”; had close physical contact like hugging, or ever talked about how each other’s day was. Since my siblings and I weren’t raised and taught those things, they aren’t said amongst our family and now it seems too late to start. It’s a hard thing to bring myself to express and I had to teach myself those things and to be comfortable saying things so special and express my love and care for others. For some reason I find it harder to express those things with my own family than with my other friends and family.
I have removed myself from my family by moving away and when I come home to visit, I am hardly home. It’s not because I don’t want to be there and spend time with them, but rather that there is nothing to do but sit by myself in my old bedroom doing nothing. I am home and my parents are sitting in front of the television all night, every night. I try to do things with my Mom, so she wouldn’t feel hurt by thinking I don’t want to spend time with her, but whenever I do spend time with her, something always happens where one of us would get the other mad and we would argue. When I talk to her on the phone it is awkward and we never know what to say to one another so there are silences and causes the conversation to be brief.
Sometimes, it seems like she can’t accept the fact that I am an adult doing my own thing and I don’t need my Mother as much as I would have or did when I was growing up. My Mom and I were never close at all; I never really felt comfortable expressing my feelings with her. One reason was because she would question me a lot and sometimes say remarks to me. I understand that she is or was trying to get to know me, but that is not the way to do it. It’s like she can’t just listen. Just sit there and listen.
There are times I wish that things were different and that maybe, just maybe they could be, so I try and become disappointed because it was always the same result. I wish that my Mother and I were close; I wish my entire family were close and actually felt like a family. My parents don’t even realize that we are in fact a dysfunctional family. Come Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, the only time my “family” sits down together at one table to eat in awkward silence, my Mother denies that it is exactly that…an awkward silent dinner.
I don’t want her to think that I hate her or wish her to die like she’s said to me, because I don’t. She has no idea how much I care for her and love her, but also how hard it is for me to express it; especially because of how I was raised. I’m not comfortable.
Also, because of how I was raised, when I would feel down about myself, I would not care and sometimes wish for something bad to happen to me because then maybe someone would show love and concern for me. I would know that someone cared. Now, I’m not saying that my parents and siblings didn’t care about me or wouldn’t care about me, but by that it would mean that it was actually expressed instead of assumed. I still get like that when I feel down and feel that I have to or should push the world (everyone in my life) away. Just disconnect to see who cares enough to reach out to me. It has made me insecure; though I am more secure now than I was in the past, it still happens because in the slightest…I still doubt myself and others love for me. I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s how I was raised and I’m not sure if it will ever truly go away. Like if someone to ask me if I was okay and, even though it would seem like I’m not and I say that I am fine, I would want someone to hug me and say I know your not.
When I went through the hard times in my past and go through hard times now, it’s always the same routine. I get hurt, disconnect myself, think too much and over analyze the situation and what was done and or said, cry alone, listen to music, and move on. I keep everything on the inside and it builds up. I never use to talk to anyone about what I was going through, but somewhere down the road I opened up. It started with strangers and then went to my telling my close friends. So, now when I open up to people, I keep talking to them about whatever else would come up and always go to them to talk about things in my life that are going on. There’s one problem when I do that, I feel that it’s all I ever do and the people close to me that I talk to get sick of it. Like they just want to yell, “Shut the hell up!” to me because it would always usually be the same damn thing. Just a repeat because it happened to be on my mind, so then I just end up keeping it inside. Always crying alone in my room with not talking to anyone about it...holding it all inside. Sucked. If I go back and listen to that music I once listened to during that period in my life, it brings it all back...those feelings. I can't even bring myself to cry in front of anyone. I wait until they leave the room or hide it if ever, but one day last April when I was dropped off at the airport...I burst into tears and could barely talk because I didn't want to leave my home and friends. So, that was the first time I had cried in front of Josh and Pablo so they got to witness that moment. I can usually control who I cry in front of and when, but that one time...I couldn't. At that time I was extremely homesick. I hate crying in front of people because I think it's awkward for other people and they wouldn't know what to do because of that. So, if out in public and I have to cry I just run off somewhere..."take a walk" alone, reflect, and cry if I need too.
Something that has shaped who I am today: Well, you know how brothers are...they like to tease younger siblings. But somewhere along the road they (mostly my oldest brother) didn't know when to stop and back when I was in the 5 or 6th grade he wouldn't know when to stop. So, If you were to tease him or mess around by flinging a rubber band at him or something he'd freak out and lose control. Kind of bi-polar or something. Who knows, but he'd chase me around the house catch me and hurt me physically and almost broke my arm, choked me...stuff like that. He would usually hurt me emotionally more so, but perhaps it was part of physical. He made me feel so bad about myself and it led me to thinking of committing suicide and killing myself more than once. There was a time where it was so bad that I literally felt that I could curl up into a ball, fall asleep and not wake up again. I'd go up in my room and think about that and what had happened and cry. Then I'd just let it pass. It went on for quite a few years before he'd stopped. He wasn't like that constantly though. It would be on and off. I contemplated calling the cops once, but never did. I wrote things that the school worried about, but I said it was a long time ago and it was nothing. I even pulled a knife out on him once, clutched it in my hand and then let go....right in front of my Dad too. I'd tell him to control his son and do something about it, but all he could say was stop. Nothing more. Eventually it dyed down and I stayed away from him. He doesn't do it anymore though. It could have been how we were raised.
Saturday/Sunday
Thinking back today, I was really close to throwing it all away; I know there was a reason why I chose to live 7 years ago. That reason was because I believed that I would do great things and there were better things out there for me. Sometimes, I think if it really would have mattered if I had sided differently. Though, I know it would have because I’m sure I’ve helped people and touched their hearts in one way or another. Who knows, but here I am. Even if I were to think about it again, I’d never do it because it would never be so bad as it has been before and I know that because I went through all of that in the past that I could get through anything. Because being strong was the only choice I had and I had only myself to turn to which made me even stronger. I like having people to turn to, but I can’t always rely on them; have only myself to count on because no matter who says they will always be there for you…can’t always be there. There are circumstances, which stands in the way. Therefore, I feel alone because I only truly feel like I have only myself…which sucks. I try not to expect anything from anyone or set any standards no matter who it is or how close to them I am because I don’t want to get up for the let down if there might be one. I had music which helped me be not dead. I feel like I Need everyone much more than they need me.
Also, My mother was abused physically, but more emotionally by her father also. She doesn't think clear because of that and thinks her kids hate her and she would call us all stupid and retarded and she got that from her father. She would steal and have me steal for her sometimes. That's where my brothers got it from and how they both got in trouble.
Lately, I have been feeling down. I am not sure if I am happy or sad. In fact, I am neither. It’s like I don’t know what to feel because of what’s going on in my life right now. I know where I want to be and I know what I have to do to get there, but something is holding me back somehow. This weird feeling that screams, “What the hell are you doing; where are you headed?” Easy answer right…
When I feel like this, it makes me want to wander and think. Perhaps want to hop on a plane, train, or in a car and go somewhere, anywhere to think. I’m scared that by revealing that to anyone it would steer them away and make them think I run away from my problems or whatever and it is what I’ll do when I’m in a rough spot.
I know that I am loved, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Like it has to be shown or I have to be reassured because of how my past was. I don’t expect anyone to love me, but it’s all I want. I show love by giving and I don’t expect anything in return. I don’t ask for anything, because I don’t think I should receive anything and all I really want is love.
The song ‘Pain’ By Three Days Grace describes perfectly how I feel when I become “numb” …meaning I am neither happy nor sad. I rather feel pain than nothing at all. So, I bring up all the pain I’ve felt in the past just to feel something and it builds up and brings new things that was brothering me too.
Another thing is that whenever I feel the way I do, there is something inside of me that tells me that I have no right to feel it. That’s it’s happening for no reason and I’m lying to myself and am wrong. Probably why when someone assures my, I accept it so easily and am fine almost instantly after talking about it. I know that I am not faking it and have a reason to feel the way I do. It’s just that if I keep it inside and it builds and builds, I lose track and get lost in my own thought that I forget what it originally was that was bothering me and confuse myself, so I wouldn’t be able to explain it clearly to another which may be the cause for that feeling I get inside telling me that I have no right to feel so shitty.
Maybe I am just too nice and giving for my own good, who knows….I sure as hell don’t. I know that it makes me happy to give, but then maybe it brings little, LITTLE expectations from others that aren’t filled the way I would hope or think they should be. Maybe they are, but not always when you’d like? I don’t know. Thinking of things like that makes me think I’m fooling myself and I’m stupid for thinking those things, but am I really?! Someone please tell me! It’s like I’ve been waiting not expecting anything, but also at the same time hoping for something yet it never comes.
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Sunday
I feel like things are changing and not for the better. Like things are slipping from underneath me. I am a person of communication; I love talking to people and keeping in touch, talking often to my closest friends. Apparently it’s kind of obsessive and creepy, according to Max Friedman. Because he thinks that I IM him every time he is online. I IMed him once this morning and he signed off on me right in the middle of a conversation, so once he got back on…I messaged him again joking about it and he tells me, “Brittany, do you have to IM me every time you see me online?”
I replied, “No.”
“It’s a little obsessive.”
I told him, “Sorry Max, I’ll leave you alone. Bye.”
“And kinda creepy.” says Max
The last thing that I said to him before he got offline again was, “Okay, sorry…I wasn’t trying to be, I just like talking to my friends, that’s all. Bye.”
To have read what my friend had wrote, hurt me a lot. For him to even think that! What the hell, I’m sorry for even wanting to communicate and IM you. If I would have known that you don’t want to talk to me then I wouldn’t bother. So, now…I won’t IM anybody that I think wouldn’t really care to hear from me. If they want to talk to me, they know how to get a hold of me. I don’t want to come off as needy or obsessive to anyone. It seems as if I need or want to talk to people more than they would need and/or want to talk to me. To anyone I have bothered, I am sorry...I do not wish to be an inconvenience.
----------------------
If you were given an opportunity, would you take it? …Despite any obstacles, if any.
Amazing to come all of these realizations that change your perspective on things. I’ve done a lot of that this past weekend and have come to many new realizations
I still get that feeling of why am i here sometimes and remember back...that it is what I choose to do...live.
My Mother thinks that her kids hate her, but she is wrong. We don’t hate her, We just don’t and can’t express ourselves because it wasn’t something we were taught growing up. We never exchanged “I love you’s”; had close physical contact like hugging, or ever talked about how each other’s day was. Since my siblings and I weren’t raised and taught those things, they aren’t said amongst our family and now it seems too late to start. It’s a hard thing to bring myself to express and I had to teach myself those things and to be comfortable saying things so special and express my love and care for others. For some reason I find it harder to express those things with my own family than with my other friends and family.
I have removed myself from my family by moving away and when I come home to visit, I am hardly home. It’s not because I don’t want to be there and spend time with them, but rather that there is nothing to do but sit by myself in my old bedroom doing nothing. I am home and my parents are sitting in front of the television all night, every night. I try to do things with my Mom, so she wouldn’t feel hurt by thinking I don’t want to spend time with her, but whenever I do spend time with her, something always happens where one of us would get the other mad and we would argue. When I talk to her on the phone it is awkward and we never know what to say to one another so there are silences and causes the conversation to be brief.
Sometimes, it seems like she can’t accept the fact that I am an adult doing my own thing and I don’t need my Mother as much as I would have or did when I was growing up. My Mom and I were never close at all; I never really felt comfortable expressing my feelings with her. One reason was because she would question me a lot and sometimes say remarks to me. I understand that she is or was trying to get to know me, but that is not the way to do it. It’s like she can’t just listen. Just sit there and listen.
There are times I wish that things were different and that maybe, just maybe they could be, so I try and become disappointed because it was always the same result. I wish that my Mother and I were close; I wish my entire family were close and actually felt like a family. My parents don’t even realize that we are in fact a dysfunctional family. Come Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, the only time my “family” sits down together at one table to eat in awkward silence, my Mother denies that it is exactly that…an awkward silent dinner.
I don’t want her to think that I hate her or wish her to die like she’s said to me, because I don’t. She has no idea how much I care for her and love her, but also how hard it is for me to express it; especially because of how I was raised. I’m not comfortable.
Also, because of how I was raised, when I would feel down about myself, I would not care and sometimes wish for something bad to happen to me because then maybe someone would show love and concern for me. I would know that someone cared. Now, I’m not saying that my parents and siblings didn’t care about me or wouldn’t care about me, but by that it would mean that it was actually expressed instead of assumed. I still get like that when I feel down and feel that I have to or should push the world (everyone in my life) away. Just disconnect to see who cares enough to reach out to me. It has made me insecure; though I am more secure now than I was in the past, it still happens because in the slightest…I still doubt myself and others love for me. I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s how I was raised and I’m not sure if it will ever truly go away. Like if someone to ask me if I was okay and, even though it would seem like I’m not and I say that I am fine, I would want someone to hug me and say I know your not.
When I went through the hard times in my past and go through hard times now, it’s always the same routine. I get hurt, disconnect myself, think too much and over analyze the situation and what was done and or said, cry alone, listen to music, and move on. I keep everything on the inside and it builds up. I never use to talk to anyone about what I was going through, but somewhere down the road I opened up. It started with strangers and then went to my telling my close friends. So, now when I open up to people, I keep talking to them about whatever else would come up and always go to them to talk about things in my life that are going on. There’s one problem when I do that, I feel that it’s all I ever do and the people close to me that I talk to get sick of it. Like they just want to yell, “Shut the hell up!” to me because it would always usually be the same damn thing. Just a repeat because it happened to be on my mind, so then I just end up keeping it inside. Always crying alone in my room with not talking to anyone about it...holding it all inside. Sucked. If I go back and listen to that music I once listened to during that period in my life, it brings it all back...those feelings. I can't even bring myself to cry in front of anyone. I wait until they leave the room or hide it if ever, but one day last April when I was dropped off at the airport...I burst into tears and could barely talk because I didn't want to leave my home and friends. So, that was the first time I had cried in front of Josh and Pablo so they got to witness that moment. I can usually control who I cry in front of and when, but that one time...I couldn't. At that time I was extremely homesick. I hate crying in front of people because I think it's awkward for other people and they wouldn't know what to do because of that. So, if out in public and I have to cry I just run off somewhere..."take a walk" alone, reflect, and cry if I need too.
Something that has shaped who I am today: Well, you know how brothers are...they like to tease younger siblings. But somewhere along the road they (mostly my oldest brother) didn't know when to stop and back when I was in the 5 or 6th grade he wouldn't know when to stop. So, If you were to tease him or mess around by flinging a rubber band at him or something he'd freak out and lose control. Kind of bi-polar or something. Who knows, but he'd chase me around the house catch me and hurt me physically and almost broke my arm, choked me...stuff like that. He would usually hurt me emotionally more so, but perhaps it was part of physical. He made me feel so bad about myself and it led me to thinking of committing suicide and killing myself more than once. There was a time where it was so bad that I literally felt that I could curl up into a ball, fall asleep and not wake up again. I'd go up in my room and think about that and what had happened and cry. Then I'd just let it pass. It went on for quite a few years before he'd stopped. He wasn't like that constantly though. It would be on and off. I contemplated calling the cops once, but never did. I wrote things that the school worried about, but I said it was a long time ago and it was nothing. I even pulled a knife out on him once, clutched it in my hand and then let go....right in front of my Dad too. I'd tell him to control his son and do something about it, but all he could say was stop. Nothing more. Eventually it dyed down and I stayed away from him. He doesn't do it anymore though. It could have been how we were raised.
Saturday/Sunday
Thinking back today, I was really close to throwing it all away; I know there was a reason why I chose to live 7 years ago. That reason was because I believed that I would do great things and there were better things out there for me. Sometimes, I think if it really would have mattered if I had sided differently. Though, I know it would have because I’m sure I’ve helped people and touched their hearts in one way or another. Who knows, but here I am. Even if I were to think about it again, I’d never do it because it would never be so bad as it has been before and I know that because I went through all of that in the past that I could get through anything. Because being strong was the only choice I had and I had only myself to turn to which made me even stronger. I like having people to turn to, but I can’t always rely on them; have only myself to count on because no matter who says they will always be there for you…can’t always be there. There are circumstances, which stands in the way. Therefore, I feel alone because I only truly feel like I have only myself…which sucks. I try not to expect anything from anyone or set any standards no matter who it is or how close to them I am because I don’t want to get up for the let down if there might be one. I had music which helped me be not dead. I feel like I Need everyone much more than they need me.
Also, My mother was abused physically, but more emotionally by her father also. She doesn't think clear because of that and thinks her kids hate her and she would call us all stupid and retarded and she got that from her father. She would steal and have me steal for her sometimes. That's where my brothers got it from and how they both got in trouble.
Lately, I have been feeling down. I am not sure if I am happy or sad. In fact, I am neither. It’s like I don’t know what to feel because of what’s going on in my life right now. I know where I want to be and I know what I have to do to get there, but something is holding me back somehow. This weird feeling that screams, “What the hell are you doing; where are you headed?” Easy answer right…
When I feel like this, it makes me want to wander and think. Perhaps want to hop on a plane, train, or in a car and go somewhere, anywhere to think. I’m scared that by revealing that to anyone it would steer them away and make them think I run away from my problems or whatever and it is what I’ll do when I’m in a rough spot.
I know that I am loved, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Like it has to be shown or I have to be reassured because of how my past was. I don’t expect anyone to love me, but it’s all I want. I show love by giving and I don’t expect anything in return. I don’t ask for anything, because I don’t think I should receive anything and all I really want is love.
The song ‘Pain’ By Three Days Grace describes perfectly how I feel when I become “numb” …meaning I am neither happy nor sad. I rather feel pain than nothing at all. So, I bring up all the pain I’ve felt in the past just to feel something and it builds up and brings new things that was brothering me too.
Another thing is that whenever I feel the way I do, there is something inside of me that tells me that I have no right to feel it. That’s it’s happening for no reason and I’m lying to myself and am wrong. Probably why when someone assures my, I accept it so easily and am fine almost instantly after talking about it. I know that I am not faking it and have a reason to feel the way I do. It’s just that if I keep it inside and it builds and builds, I lose track and get lost in my own thought that I forget what it originally was that was bothering me and confuse myself, so I wouldn’t be able to explain it clearly to another which may be the cause for that feeling I get inside telling me that I have no right to feel so shitty.
Maybe I am just too nice and giving for my own good, who knows….I sure as hell don’t. I know that it makes me happy to give, but then maybe it brings little, LITTLE expectations from others that aren’t filled the way I would hope or think they should be. Maybe they are, but not always when you’d like? I don’t know. Thinking of things like that makes me think I’m fooling myself and I’m stupid for thinking those things, but am I really?! Someone please tell me! It’s like I’ve been waiting not expecting anything, but also at the same time hoping for something yet it never comes.
----------------------
Sunday
I feel like things are changing and not for the better. Like things are slipping from underneath me. I am a person of communication; I love talking to people and keeping in touch, talking often to my closest friends. Apparently it’s kind of obsessive and creepy, according to Max Friedman. Because he thinks that I IM him every time he is online. I IMed him once this morning and he signed off on me right in the middle of a conversation, so once he got back on…I messaged him again joking about it and he tells me, “Brittany, do you have to IM me every time you see me online?”
I replied, “No.”
“It’s a little obsessive.”
I told him, “Sorry Max, I’ll leave you alone. Bye.”
“And kinda creepy.” says Max
The last thing that I said to him before he got offline again was, “Okay, sorry…I wasn’t trying to be, I just like talking to my friends, that’s all. Bye.”
To have read what my friend had wrote, hurt me a lot. For him to even think that! What the hell, I’m sorry for even wanting to communicate and IM you. If I would have known that you don’t want to talk to me then I wouldn’t bother. So, now…I won’t IM anybody that I think wouldn’t really care to hear from me. If they want to talk to me, they know how to get a hold of me. I don’t want to come off as needy or obsessive to anyone. It seems as if I need or want to talk to people more than they would need and/or want to talk to me. To anyone I have bothered, I am sorry...I do not wish to be an inconvenience.
----------------------
If you were given an opportunity, would you take it? …Despite any obstacles, if any.
Amazing to come all of these realizations that change your perspective on things. I’ve done a lot of that this past weekend and have come to many new realizations
I still get that feeling of why am i here sometimes and remember back...that it is what I choose to do...live.