(no subject)
I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes. I've always had issues with wanting to be perfect and doing everything right. When I was 12 it all started. I thought that if I could be perfect that my dad wouldn't leave us. I thought it was something that I did. Like I wasn't good enough. I beat myself up all the time. I get down on myself. I'm not perfect and I have a problem with that.
Perfectionism can be a good thing. It works well with performers. There was rarely ever an instance in highschool when I messed up in Show choir. When I did mess up, I would go home and work on that move for hours. I HAD to be perfect then.
This is my problem. Nobody knows how much I struggle with this. It is the reason why I think the thoughts that I do. I mess up and get down on myself which then makes me mess up again and I get even more upset and then I mess up again and. . .you know the rest. It just keeps going. When I was in the hospital, they made me read a book. It was about perfectionism. The pro's and the con's. It helped at the moment, but I went back to being a perfectionst again.
Bless Tim's heart. He tries. When I stand in front of the mirror, I'm not looking at how "hot" my body looks. . .I see fat. I always have and always will. I try to change it, but when I look in the mirror, all I can see are the inperfections and then I hate myself. It's funny to me because people don't know how insecure I am. I supposedly have "confidence" in myself. The way I talk and carry myself. That's just the actress in me. I don't have low self esteem. I have problems with not being perfect. This battle will go on forever. . .