(no subject)

[britt_h]

five months ago from last wednesday, something happened to me. something that i have not been able to talk about, and still cant. yet, it has been eating away at me since. its so hard to keep it inside. it hurts. and its starting to be more obvious that it is in fact hurting me, physically and emotionally. i cant sleep sometimes, cuz i can only think about it, and see it happen in my head over and over, reliving can be even worse sometimes. i have times when im happy, and times when im depressed, and all i wanna do is sleep and not talk to anyone. theres times when i space out, just thinking about what happened, and wishing about what i could have done, or what could have been done to prevent it, or about what i should do about it now. and there are times when i just feel like crying for no reason, or i cry over something stupid. and there are times when im so pissed off. and sometimes it is at this one specific person, and other times its just at the world. i try to tell myself, and everyone else, its the damn birth control making me emotional, but i know why most of it really is. and i cant explain it to anyone. i cant explain why im angry, or sad, or what it is i cant talk about. but i just really wish i knew how to forget about it and move on. but i cant. and ive at least realized i wont be able to forget about it, cuz its something thats impossible to forget, and unfortunately, will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life. sometimes i tell myself im being too dramatic, to make it not seem so bad. but if its not, then why does it hurt so bad? why wont it go away? why is is killing me inside? and i cant talk to guidence, or a psychologist or anyone to help me cope with what happened, cuz they will tell someone, the guidence will have to by law. but i dont want that. i dont want people getting involved, i dont want to go to court, i dont want to deal with the law. i just wish it would go away. and i know it wont. but i just dont know how long i can deal.
i wish i knew what to do