I need some advice
My bad dreams aren't getting any better.I don't understand it.I didn't think that seeing my grandma die bothered me that much, but I guess it did.I'm going to see all kinds of death in my line of work later on....but maybe its different.Maybe not knowing the person won't affect me as bad.The dreams are all the same.She's lying there, dead, and then she comes back to life.It's so scary.And I have them every night. I don't know what my problem is.The only time I dont have that dream is when I pass out from drinking.I wouldnt mind dreaming about her, I mean she was a beautiful person, and I got my morals and character from her.But only if the dreams weren't so horrible and ugly.I'm really not sure what to do about them.I almost just don't want to sleep anymore.
ROTC is pissing me off more than ever.The cadets that saw me last monday made fun of me for it, right in front of the cadre.That was totally inappropriate and uncalled for. I was so incredibly pissed.And they wonder why I haven't felt like going to PT.I'm going to start going again, but dammit, if one of them gives me shit again I've had it.They can make fun of me all they want outside of rotc activities.I really shouldnt care,b/c all the cadre drank with all the underage cadets at that party.But I do care because they are doing it on purpose.And its like, I go out once and have a good time with my friends, and then make a big ass deal about it.And they wonder why I don't drink with them.Bastards.It's not like Ive been intentionally missing PT.I really havent.But they keep giving me shit about that and I dont even HAVE to go.I dont like to be pressured.Ill do what I want when I want.I know what I have to do, and I will do it.One of the cadets thats a good friend of mine kinda gave me crap about it and I snapped at her. I feel bad about it, but dammit.A person can only take so much.I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to be patient this week with them. One smartass comment might just send me over the edge and that scares me. It usually takes alot to get to me.But I'm tired of putting up with shit.I really am.It's not worth it.
Im avoiding some drama.This guy,who is a cadet and also my lab partner, a very nice guy dont get me wrong, told me he likes me.Yet hes 'seeing' a good friend of mine.So I'm just avoiding that mess altogether.I'm not sure if I'd like him if it werent for her or not.Im just not sure.But I'm just not that kind of person.I would never hurt someone else like that.But he needs to get his shit together.And he cant assume that its ok to like me, because I'm a very difficult person to get to know and not alot of people understand that.I hate it when guys think they can just do whatever.And im not saying hes like that...but Im just not sure yet.I dont know.I'm confused as hell.And I hate drama.
I went home friday.My mom was actually home friday night and we watched a movie.But then she left the next day.And then she wondered why I didnt stay home.Why would I want to sit there by myself?It doesnt make sense.She drives me crazy sometimes.And I planned on staying home the whole weekend. But Lindsey asked me to come back, so I got back into town saturday night.I feel so bad for ditching all my friends back home.I really do.But I'm glad that I came back because I really had fun.There were some guys that I didn't care for.They kinda scared me.But I trust Lindsey and Lindsay enough.I drank a lot.But I managed to last through pregaming and two bars.Then Lindsey made awesome pancakes the next morning.It was glorious.I helped her clean up, she even had beer on the ceiling.Those jackass guys.
I went over to Lindsey's for lunch today.Spagetti Os and grilled cheese.It was awesome.
I somehow managed to get above the class average on my chemistry test.I'm not sure how. I managed to learn math in one night, but I kinda froze on the test.I hope I passed.My teacher always calls on me and says I'm such a good student, but I really dont feel like it.Because I'm such a dumbass at math.I just kinda go with it.I got an A on my english research paper.Buoyaaaaa
Cole M is having a camp get together for his birthday saturday.I can't wait to see everyone.I look forward to this summer, but for some reason I'm not as desperate for it as I usually am.Maybe I'm nervous about being waterfront director, I dont know.The staff are all my age,and alot of them are first year like I am, so I shouldnt feel intimdated.But I think its because I really don't want to leave school.I'm really happy.I dread leaving my friends here.Ive never been attached to people here like this before.But its not always a good thing.Well it is, but I'm so insecure all the time.And I'm extremely self conscious.I dont like to admit that.But I constantly worry what people think of me, and I didnt think college would be like this.Usually I dont give a shit.But that was before I knew so many people here.There are times I wish that I was totally alone again,not knowing anyone.But I was so miserable.And I know I'm so much happier now.It's good for me to get out and to know people.I think I'm getting better.
ROTC is pissing me off more than ever.The cadets that saw me last monday made fun of me for it, right in front of the cadre.That was totally inappropriate and uncalled for. I was so incredibly pissed.And they wonder why I haven't felt like going to PT.I'm going to start going again, but dammit, if one of them gives me shit again I've had it.They can make fun of me all they want outside of rotc activities.I really shouldnt care,b/c all the cadre drank with all the underage cadets at that party.But I do care because they are doing it on purpose.And its like, I go out once and have a good time with my friends, and then make a big ass deal about it.And they wonder why I don't drink with them.Bastards.It's not like Ive been intentionally missing PT.I really havent.But they keep giving me shit about that and I dont even HAVE to go.I dont like to be pressured.Ill do what I want when I want.I know what I have to do, and I will do it.One of the cadets thats a good friend of mine kinda gave me crap about it and I snapped at her. I feel bad about it, but dammit.A person can only take so much.I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to be patient this week with them. One smartass comment might just send me over the edge and that scares me. It usually takes alot to get to me.But I'm tired of putting up with shit.I really am.It's not worth it.
Im avoiding some drama.This guy,who is a cadet and also my lab partner, a very nice guy dont get me wrong, told me he likes me.Yet hes 'seeing' a good friend of mine.So I'm just avoiding that mess altogether.I'm not sure if I'd like him if it werent for her or not.Im just not sure.But I'm just not that kind of person.I would never hurt someone else like that.But he needs to get his shit together.And he cant assume that its ok to like me, because I'm a very difficult person to get to know and not alot of people understand that.I hate it when guys think they can just do whatever.And im not saying hes like that...but Im just not sure yet.I dont know.I'm confused as hell.And I hate drama.
I went home friday.My mom was actually home friday night and we watched a movie.But then she left the next day.And then she wondered why I didnt stay home.Why would I want to sit there by myself?It doesnt make sense.She drives me crazy sometimes.And I planned on staying home the whole weekend. But Lindsey asked me to come back, so I got back into town saturday night.I feel so bad for ditching all my friends back home.I really do.But I'm glad that I came back because I really had fun.There were some guys that I didn't care for.They kinda scared me.But I trust Lindsey and Lindsay enough.I drank a lot.But I managed to last through pregaming and two bars.Then Lindsey made awesome pancakes the next morning.It was glorious.I helped her clean up, she even had beer on the ceiling.Those jackass guys.
I went over to Lindsey's for lunch today.Spagetti Os and grilled cheese.It was awesome.
I somehow managed to get above the class average on my chemistry test.I'm not sure how. I managed to learn math in one night, but I kinda froze on the test.I hope I passed.My teacher always calls on me and says I'm such a good student, but I really dont feel like it.Because I'm such a dumbass at math.I just kinda go with it.I got an A on my english research paper.Buoyaaaaa
Cole M is having a camp get together for his birthday saturday.I can't wait to see everyone.I look forward to this summer, but for some reason I'm not as desperate for it as I usually am.Maybe I'm nervous about being waterfront director, I dont know.The staff are all my age,and alot of them are first year like I am, so I shouldnt feel intimdated.But I think its because I really don't want to leave school.I'm really happy.I dread leaving my friends here.Ive never been attached to people here like this before.But its not always a good thing.Well it is, but I'm so insecure all the time.And I'm extremely self conscious.I dont like to admit that.But I constantly worry what people think of me, and I didnt think college would be like this.Usually I dont give a shit.But that was before I knew so many people here.There are times I wish that I was totally alone again,not knowing anyone.But I was so miserable.And I know I'm so much happier now.It's good for me to get out and to know people.I think I'm getting better.