A Life Re-Evaluation. Part 1
Those of you who know me well know that I think I'm pretty f-ing great. But...not in one of those ways where I think I'm better or worse than any other person. More in the way that I learned to love myself in order to be happy and feel like I have value in the world.
However. I've recently been aware of some weirdness in my interactions with others. I waver back and forth on whether or not to compromise the self that I have worked hard to learn to love and change some things about myself, or to just continue onward with my life philosophy that if people like you, they like you and if they don't they don't.
Let me try to explain.
I'm really really really good at picking up on nonverbal cues in conversations and interactions. I don't always choose to outwardly acknowledge them, but I nearly always know when they are there. Recently, more and more often in my interactions with SEVERAL different branches of people in my daily (real) life, I've become very aware of small non-verbal cues that these people seemed slightly annoyed or bothered by me. I didn't know WHY, I just knew that they were (probably subconsciously) giving me cues that they were. Occasionally, this caused me to stop talking with them (non-abruptly) and sort of minimize my interactions. In other cases, I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong, so I just kinda kept soldiering forth. For lack of anything better to do, I guess. But, now I want to try to address some of these things. By talking them out here, by telling you all a bit about me, and by soliciting feedback from those of you who really do know me. Or something.
One thing you should all know. I live my life with the philosophy that I cannot fix something about myself if I do not know it is broken. That said, please do feel free to respond candidly to me here and in real life if something is bothering you. I will *try* not to overreact about it, but chances are I might. But then I will think about what you've said and I will probably come to you relatively soon afterward and tell you that you are right and thank you for the insight.
The first part of things that need to be addressed is something about myself that I've been aware of for quite a while but am really too scared to stop and try to fix.
I have a need to relate to things on a somewhat personal level. I think this is normal, but I could be completely wrong. Please tell me if I'm wrong. The books/TV/anime/manga I have enjoyed the most in life are those that have a character and/or situation that I can relate to. In fact, it has been said that I often go out-of-my-way to make connections between my life and a character or situations. This is how I am. That said, in conversations with people, whenever someone shares something (personality trait, story about something that happened, problem they are having) I will often respond with things like, "that happened to me once too!" or "Oh, I do the same thing!" or a similar story that I have about the same situation. This is often not TOO bad when it's someone you're just getting to know, but when it comes down to my friends having problems, I think that they often want me to listen to them and then not attempt to solve their problem with what happened to my problem. Fair enough.
I realize where my actions are being misconstrued at times. By listening to someone's situation and then responding with a similar situation that I had, I think people think that I am not concerned about their problems, but instead think that my problem is either the same as or more important than their problem. This is NOT what I'm doing....what I'm doing is my own way of trying to understand what the person is going through and empathizing with them by relating to it on a personal level. In a way, I'm saying..."I understand, I've been there too, and I can relate to what you're going through so I know how much it sucks." I don't do a very good job of being clear about this, and I definitely don't do a good job of letting people know that even though my situation was similar that I expect them to react the same as I do....in short, I don't think my problem was more or less important to me than yours is to you. I also realize that every single little detail about your life and the people involved makes your situation and your reaction to it completely different than mine.
I don't really know how to fix this. It's very difficult for me to express emotional reactions to people without finding some way to show them that I relate to them. I fear that if I don't do this relating thing that I will not know what to say to respond to people who are having problems. People often want me to respond, and I honestly don't know what to say most of the time without also telling them what I went through that was similar.
But! I know that it is taken the wrong way, and I need to stop. So, I'm going to work on stopping. Because this behavior almost always comes off as very narcissistic....and I just don't like to be perceived that way.
Suggestions on what to do about this are EXTREMELY welcome. Suggestions on HOW to react to people's problems and concerns without relaying my stories are also EXTREMELY welcome.
Anyone who interacts with me, if you find me doing this, please feel free to gently point out that I'm doing this if I do it. Especially if it bothers you. I don't want it to be a barrier in my interactions with people anymore.
However. I've recently been aware of some weirdness in my interactions with others. I waver back and forth on whether or not to compromise the self that I have worked hard to learn to love and change some things about myself, or to just continue onward with my life philosophy that if people like you, they like you and if they don't they don't.
Let me try to explain.
I'm really really really good at picking up on nonverbal cues in conversations and interactions. I don't always choose to outwardly acknowledge them, but I nearly always know when they are there. Recently, more and more often in my interactions with SEVERAL different branches of people in my daily (real) life, I've become very aware of small non-verbal cues that these people seemed slightly annoyed or bothered by me. I didn't know WHY, I just knew that they were (probably subconsciously) giving me cues that they were. Occasionally, this caused me to stop talking with them (non-abruptly) and sort of minimize my interactions. In other cases, I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong, so I just kinda kept soldiering forth. For lack of anything better to do, I guess. But, now I want to try to address some of these things. By talking them out here, by telling you all a bit about me, and by soliciting feedback from those of you who really do know me. Or something.
One thing you should all know. I live my life with the philosophy that I cannot fix something about myself if I do not know it is broken. That said, please do feel free to respond candidly to me here and in real life if something is bothering you. I will *try* not to overreact about it, but chances are I might. But then I will think about what you've said and I will probably come to you relatively soon afterward and tell you that you are right and thank you for the insight.
The first part of things that need to be addressed is something about myself that I've been aware of for quite a while but am really too scared to stop and try to fix.
I have a need to relate to things on a somewhat personal level. I think this is normal, but I could be completely wrong. Please tell me if I'm wrong. The books/TV/anime/manga I have enjoyed the most in life are those that have a character and/or situation that I can relate to. In fact, it has been said that I often go out-of-my-way to make connections between my life and a character or situations. This is how I am. That said, in conversations with people, whenever someone shares something (personality trait, story about something that happened, problem they are having) I will often respond with things like, "that happened to me once too!" or "Oh, I do the same thing!" or a similar story that I have about the same situation. This is often not TOO bad when it's someone you're just getting to know, but when it comes down to my friends having problems, I think that they often want me to listen to them and then not attempt to solve their problem with what happened to my problem. Fair enough.
I realize where my actions are being misconstrued at times. By listening to someone's situation and then responding with a similar situation that I had, I think people think that I am not concerned about their problems, but instead think that my problem is either the same as or more important than their problem. This is NOT what I'm doing....what I'm doing is my own way of trying to understand what the person is going through and empathizing with them by relating to it on a personal level. In a way, I'm saying..."I understand, I've been there too, and I can relate to what you're going through so I know how much it sucks." I don't do a very good job of being clear about this, and I definitely don't do a good job of letting people know that even though my situation was similar that I expect them to react the same as I do....in short, I don't think my problem was more or less important to me than yours is to you. I also realize that every single little detail about your life and the people involved makes your situation and your reaction to it completely different than mine.
I don't really know how to fix this. It's very difficult for me to express emotional reactions to people without finding some way to show them that I relate to them. I fear that if I don't do this relating thing that I will not know what to say to respond to people who are having problems. People often want me to respond, and I honestly don't know what to say most of the time without also telling them what I went through that was similar.
But! I know that it is taken the wrong way, and I need to stop. So, I'm going to work on stopping. Because this behavior almost always comes off as very narcissistic....and I just don't like to be perceived that way.
Suggestions on what to do about this are EXTREMELY welcome. Suggestions on HOW to react to people's problems and concerns without relaying my stories are also EXTREMELY welcome.
Anyone who interacts with me, if you find me doing this, please feel free to gently point out that I'm doing this if I do it. Especially if it bothers you. I don't want it to be a barrier in my interactions with people anymore.