Cold seeping into my veins...
i shivered and felt the numbness of my cigarette hand while attempting to focus on those paintings and comments of Rembrandt. but all i can feel is cold. tired and fed up...so fed up with the trivial issues of those at home and some here.
christina and i talked again. she seems to be hinting at wanting a relationship. i know though that it is not me she wants but the security of our friendship. she was always so detached when we were actually together. she would complain about my friends, she was jealous, angry, and hated my schedule. she doesn't trust me. especially here at mary baldwin. so why would i even conceive dating her again would a remotely intelligent idea? because i love her. because i always made her laugh. because i miss her superior smirk when i would make an ass of myself.
i don't know why it even popped into my head considering the current situation i am in...but i hate to focus on this one girl whom i fear is just playing around. the typical love of the ex situation... i am not used to dealing with the consequences of someone loving another person to that degree...
so whilst i munch on my zesty, bitter pickle i realize how truly upset i am to not have my home to retreat to. i miss my mum, i miss alice, i miss the horses, and the dogs. i miss my stuffed elephants dotting the corners of my chaotic room with its peptobismal walls. a confession to my secret obsession with pink.
and then i recall the words my mother said to me before i left, a warning, "be sure that you are becoming who you truly want to be rather than a reflection of your environment...don't dive into this life too far, too fast." i am afraid that i did, because i can feel the power of the undertow dragging me further and further into this mold that i want to resist. this stereotype, predictions of my actions, when really my heart and mind never stay consistent. i was in love with a boy when i came here. i wanted to stay at his house in gloucester and have his babies. i wanted nothing more than to be a good wife and mother. to work and to love. yet, i knew that wouldn't be enough for me. so i left and he left me. sad but true...he couldn't follow my dreams to become a doctor because he needed me right now. he needed all of me. and he felt that when we made love that i was somewhere else. that when my finger dug into the sheets and biting the pillow my heart was beating for someone else. but then, then i thought it was for him.
but this place, this school, these women...they all reminded me of what i wanted. and they still do to this very day. i want something that i know a man cannot provide for me even though he tried so hard. even though i tried so hard to be all he could want. cooking, cleaning, sex, loving his friends and family. his little sister adored me. his mother thought i was wonderful. yet it wasn't enough. because i never had been accepted by my girlfriend's families. their friends didn't know about me. i was the 'secret.' i don't want to be the hidden possession.
christina and i talked again. she seems to be hinting at wanting a relationship. i know though that it is not me she wants but the security of our friendship. she was always so detached when we were actually together. she would complain about my friends, she was jealous, angry, and hated my schedule. she doesn't trust me. especially here at mary baldwin. so why would i even conceive dating her again would a remotely intelligent idea? because i love her. because i always made her laugh. because i miss her superior smirk when i would make an ass of myself.
i don't know why it even popped into my head considering the current situation i am in...but i hate to focus on this one girl whom i fear is just playing around. the typical love of the ex situation... i am not used to dealing with the consequences of someone loving another person to that degree...
so whilst i munch on my zesty, bitter pickle i realize how truly upset i am to not have my home to retreat to. i miss my mum, i miss alice, i miss the horses, and the dogs. i miss my stuffed elephants dotting the corners of my chaotic room with its peptobismal walls. a confession to my secret obsession with pink.
and then i recall the words my mother said to me before i left, a warning, "be sure that you are becoming who you truly want to be rather than a reflection of your environment...don't dive into this life too far, too fast." i am afraid that i did, because i can feel the power of the undertow dragging me further and further into this mold that i want to resist. this stereotype, predictions of my actions, when really my heart and mind never stay consistent. i was in love with a boy when i came here. i wanted to stay at his house in gloucester and have his babies. i wanted nothing more than to be a good wife and mother. to work and to love. yet, i knew that wouldn't be enough for me. so i left and he left me. sad but true...he couldn't follow my dreams to become a doctor because he needed me right now. he needed all of me. and he felt that when we made love that i was somewhere else. that when my finger dug into the sheets and biting the pillow my heart was beating for someone else. but then, then i thought it was for him.
but this place, this school, these women...they all reminded me of what i wanted. and they still do to this very day. i want something that i know a man cannot provide for me even though he tried so hard. even though i tried so hard to be all he could want. cooking, cleaning, sex, loving his friends and family. his little sister adored me. his mother thought i was wonderful. yet it wasn't enough. because i never had been accepted by my girlfriend's families. their friends didn't know about me. i was the 'secret.' i don't want to be the hidden possession.