The One Where A Particular Social Network Makes Your Humble Narrator Itch
It's not a secret that part of my thesis project involves studying social networks. I began collecting data and references a year or two ago, and signed up to some of the more innocuous-seeming sites and then didn't visit them for nearly a year or more. OKCupid was a site I joined because it has quizzes and crap, and I like quizzes and crap. Clicking radio buttons when I am bored is amusing.
OKCupid has recently been spamming the crud out of my INBOX, telling me (even though I am signed up as a mere test-taker and my profile makes it clear I do not want a date, thankyouverymuch) that I've suddenly been getting a lot of high ratings and "stalkers" visiting my profile. Say what? I finally had five minutes to kill and went to go see why they were hassling me to visit all of a sudden.
I had an exploding mailbox, mostly filled with "woo" notices from old, fat dudes 800 miles away (ew) or teenagers and early twenty-somethings who can barely spell or form a complete sentence (also ew).
I hereby share with you my (least) favourite "love letters" from the unwashed masses at OKC.
Letter One:
Some of my best friends are people!
Trite and meaningless. This did not inspire confidence.
It's come to my attention that people (women) often say that one of the most fundamental things they are looking for is honesty in a man but since they've more than likely never met an honest man they don't know what to do when they actually confront one.
This aggravated me because, like Jehovah's Witnesses have the temerity to assume I need saving and a big dose of their particular religion and that being awakened at 8AM on a Saturday to be gospel-thwacked will please me, this makes the assumption that I have issues with men that I do not have. I have never complained that men are evil in any way or in some fashion less honest than women. This indicates that Tardo did not read my profile at all.
Also? The whole manner in which it is phrased reminds me of how the intellectually dim use convoluted "businesslike" turns of phrase to sound less sub-normal. "It has come to my attention"? Ugh.
That having been said let's see if you write me (an extremely honest man back. Now this writing back deal will require a certain amount of curiosity and gumption and no small amount of an open mind. If you wonder why no honest men it's because the world is backwards and most of the the time people not only tell you what you want to hear but know what invariably happens when telling the truth.....let's see:
Oh, I have been double-dog-dared to write this schmo back. Hold on, let me start composing a reply right away. Also? People who start extolling their virtues right off the bat make me suspicious. He goes to great pains to reassure me of his honesty, which just informs me that he has been accused of dishonesty in the past and feels the need to hurry up and get that issue out of the way quickly.
Fail technique is fail.
You would never find a better more honest friend, lover, husband. How do I know that? Because I have two wives and I'm looking for a third. That's getting the 500 pound gorilla out of the way up front and being honest isn't it?
Gads. Did I mention that my profile on this site states VERY CLEARLY that I'm not interested in dating? In fact, to make it even more clear, it states that I am especially disinterested in polygamists, bigamists, polyamory fans, furries, fetishists, and other assorted nutbags who seem to be attracted to me online.
Hey, each to his or her own, but if you write me after I specifically say I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR UNUSUAL KINKS OR LIFESTYLE CHOICES, I get pissed off.
What do you suppose type of man I am? One you should avoid or embrace? Well I'm not a dishrag. I appreciate intelligent physically strong females because they make the best babies and I'm all about family and yes I can afford three wives.
Oh yeah. My profile also notes that I am childfree by choice and have no interest in making babies, "best" or otherwise. Gross.
Well you have a choice to ignore or explore. I expect everything and ask for nothing. Consequently I'm unable to place you in an akward position. You might just be curious....if so please feel free to write. I won't bite and you can always use me for a topic of conversation. "I actually correspond with a polygamist from Florida on a regular basis!!!"
Given that I have friends with much stranger lifestyle choices, some of which are polygamists (or were), I am not interested in corresponding with some douche who can't bother to read my profile, and who can't spell "awkward" correctly.
The rest of his note gives his real name and location and age, none of which is important here. I'm not out to embarrass the dude. Suffice it to say that he's old enough to be my dad (almost 60) and is portly, if not fat, has a Chester the Molester 1970s porn 'stache, and his live-ins, which he generously includes pictures of, both have 1980s mall bangs and spiral perms and probably collect Precious Moments figurines and wear novelty holiday sweaters. Also, they live in Florida, which is the anus of America.
I restrained my bile and responded politely that my profile stated, quite clearly, that I was not interested in "unusual relationships" or indeed any relationship of any kind, that I was not interested in breeding with him or anyone else, and that he should look elsewhere for his third bimbo and, PROTIP, he could try actually reading profiles to improve the odds of a positive response from some poor schlub out there in Interweebz land.
He pompously informed me, seconds before I blocked him, that he didn't feel the need to read profiles, that I was clearly far too much of a stick in the mud to appreciate the glory of being part of some old ugly dude's redneck harem in fucking FLORIDA, for God's sake, and that he'd write me again if he wanted to because men can do whatever they want and women suck. What a winner!
Also, he had to be lurking online at 3AM to respond so quickly, because I was up at 3AM working on a midterm project and we're in the same time zone.
Letter Two:
Well, how can I get your attention? I want you to know I think you are very pretty. And that is always a good thing.
Big whoop. I am completely disinterested in comments about my appearance, as I have done nothing to contribute to that. My mom and dad had good genes. All I do is take a shower regularly and not eat myself into size 24 elastic-waist pants.
I was curious to see what this guy's basis for comparison was, and, lo and behold, he had bookmarked a bunch of stripper-type balloon boobs, some more mall bang ladies, and two profiles I am 90% sure are dickgirls or trannies. Hello, Adam's apples! As for Himself, he's another old, fat, grey, BALD dude with a Chester the Molester 'stache.
So, yeah, not particularly pleased.
You should know I love going barefoot and require that in a girl as well. She should always go barefoot around home and be carefree. I love the look of a woman in jeans, barefooted, and just being herself.
Hello? did you read my profile? No "sex mail" is requested. Not looking for a date or mate. Not interested in weird fetishes. Does no one read anymore?
Not something to think of as being naked. I want her to naturally be barefooted. It's a sexy thing to see. And I'll be barefoot right there with you.
I had to pause to go barf. I am not against bare feet. I like bare feet. My feet are bare right now. It is this obsessive unsolicited fantasy this guy is forcing on me about bare feet. DO NOT WANT.
Also..."naked"? Is that appropriate to use in a first letter to a total stranger? EVER? Was he dropped on his head at birth?
When I come home from work, I'll take off my shoes and socks and come over and rub my feet against yours.
*Dies from disgust* Guys, this man was gross. You wouldn't want to shake his hand, much less have his bare feet within a country mile of yourself. I'm just saying.
You'll be standing in the kitchen making supper.
O RLY? Donna Reed I am not. You may bite my ass. I don't even cook for my own damn self. Presumptuous neanderthal asswipe.
Then I'll tell you: "Honey, let me make supper."
He has this whole fantasy mapped out, doesn't he? I bet he calls women "ladies" and watches NASCAR, too.
We'll kiss and then I'll carry you to the couch to rest. I'll tell you I love you and kiss you all over.
*Dies again from skin-crawling disgust* WHO WRITES THIS SORT OF THING TO A TOTAL STRANGER? Especially one who has plastered all over her profile several "fuck off if you're a creep or looking for lurve" notices? What is wrong with these retards?
Then I'll make our supper and we will eat, barefooted. Being a family and having the love that no one could ever have for you. These are the things that are meaningful.
Oh em gee. I don't know where to begin.
So, still having more time to kill, I write this nerd fuckwit** back and responded politely that my profile stated, quite clearly, that I was not interested in "foot fetishists" or indeed any relationship of any kind, that I was not interested in dating him or anyone else, and that he should look elsewhere for his barefoot anti-feminist soulmate and, PROTIP, he could try actually reading profiles to improve the odds of a positive response from some poor idjit out there in Interweebz land.
In other words, same "fuck off and die," different cretin.
He professed innocence and informed me, seconds before I blocked him, that he didn't feel the need to read profiles, that he was "not hitting on me or looking for a date" (Again, O RLY? Would he have sent the same note to a dude?), and that his unsolicited sexual fantasy was merely his way of saying "'Sup?" and I should be nicer when random dirtbags solicit me at random to tell me their deepest freakish fantasies. What a winner!
"Nicer"? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass so hard that I then had to go buy a new shoe because mine was still stuck halfway up his large intestine.
Tune in next week, when I'm sure a lonely bisexual babyfur will try to sell me on how awesome it is for an adult to wear an animal suit that looks like a badger or a horse or a wolf or some shit, and pee and poo into Depends, and that his boyfriend thinks it would be groovy to add me to their double-wide trailer of lurve in Dumbfuckistan, Montana.
I swear, I will be thrilled when my thesis is over and done with. I am not particularly keen on random weird shit appearing in my INBOXes.
But you know what? If I had NOT stated, clearly, on my profile that I was NOT INTERESTED, I would not have been so hard on these jerks. I would have said, hey, learning experience, better fix those profile setting right away, and so on.
It is incredibly selfish and borderline sexually abusive to just spam disinterested females with your weird sexual arrangements and kinks, if you ask me. Not that I'm going to whine to OKCupid's Abuse Team (if they have such a thing) about it. That is what blocks are for.
The irritating thing is, I am actually pretty open-minded, and I don't care what other people do. I just don't want them to bother me with their stupid shit, ESPECIALLY AFTER I STATE CLEARLY IT IS NOT ON. I mean, Christ, they are Darwin Awards waiting to happen if they can't even read warning labels before throwing themselves at a pissed-off grenade.
Next time I should tell them I am a Scientologist and offer to audit them, or type back in ALL-CAPS: "WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES?!" or tell them I want to have Tom Cruise's lobotomized babies. Even creeps are afraid of Scientologists.
Or I could just admit that I might be Anonymous. If that doesn't put the fear of God into them, they have no sense.
Damn but they put me in a shitty mood. I almost didn't blog about it, but those two letters had to be read to be believed. I only wish I saved more of them.
Do I hate social networks? Well, no. They serve a purpose. Just because I am cranky and not inclined to look kindly on random strangers trying to woo me online does not mean that I think it is bad for everyone else. Also? Am doing a thesis project that involves a myriad of social networks. I have to be somewhat positively inclined towards them, in the general sense, to do that. Right?
Also also? Hello, am here on LiveJournal. I'd say this was a type of social network. Amirite? The difference here is that everyone who posts to my blog happens to be interesting and not trying to touch my nekkid feetsez or make me a Mormon*. Knowhutimean?
* If you are a Mormon, I apologize. I know the polygamy thing is no longer the default setting for you guys. I've worked with Mormons before, and they were nice folks, but, honestly, I have no idea how you folks survive without the delicious caffeinated beverages.
** Attention, Gentle Readers: A representative from Awesome Nerds Anonymous protested their good name being besmirched by Dullard Dumbfuckistani #2, so a reference to him being a "nerd", which was entirely too complimentary, has been upgraded to the much more accurate "fuckwit". Management hopes this editing decision does not cause you undue hardship or confusion. Thank you.
.
OKCupid has recently been spamming the crud out of my INBOX, telling me (even though I am signed up as a mere test-taker and my profile makes it clear I do not want a date, thankyouverymuch) that I've suddenly been getting a lot of high ratings and "stalkers" visiting my profile. Say what? I finally had five minutes to kill and went to go see why they were hassling me to visit all of a sudden.
I had an exploding mailbox, mostly filled with "woo" notices from old, fat dudes 800 miles away (ew) or teenagers and early twenty-somethings who can barely spell or form a complete sentence (also ew).
I hereby share with you my (least) favourite "love letters" from the unwashed masses at OKC.
Letter One:
Some of my best friends are people!
Trite and meaningless. This did not inspire confidence.
It's come to my attention that people (women) often say that one of the most fundamental things they are looking for is honesty in a man but since they've more than likely never met an honest man they don't know what to do when they actually confront one.
This aggravated me because, like Jehovah's Witnesses have the temerity to assume I need saving and a big dose of their particular religion and that being awakened at 8AM on a Saturday to be gospel-thwacked will please me, this makes the assumption that I have issues with men that I do not have. I have never complained that men are evil in any way or in some fashion less honest than women. This indicates that Tardo did not read my profile at all.
Also? The whole manner in which it is phrased reminds me of how the intellectually dim use convoluted "businesslike" turns of phrase to sound less sub-normal. "It has come to my attention"? Ugh.
That having been said let's see if you write me (an extremely honest man back. Now this writing back deal will require a certain amount of curiosity and gumption and no small amount of an open mind. If you wonder why no honest men it's because the world is backwards and most of the the time people not only tell you what you want to hear but know what invariably happens when telling the truth.....let's see:
Oh, I have been double-dog-dared to write this schmo back. Hold on, let me start composing a reply right away. Also? People who start extolling their virtues right off the bat make me suspicious. He goes to great pains to reassure me of his honesty, which just informs me that he has been accused of dishonesty in the past and feels the need to hurry up and get that issue out of the way quickly.
Fail technique is fail.
You would never find a better more honest friend, lover, husband. How do I know that? Because I have two wives and I'm looking for a third. That's getting the 500 pound gorilla out of the way up front and being honest isn't it?
Gads. Did I mention that my profile on this site states VERY CLEARLY that I'm not interested in dating? In fact, to make it even more clear, it states that I am especially disinterested in polygamists, bigamists, polyamory fans, furries, fetishists, and other assorted nutbags who seem to be attracted to me online.
Hey, each to his or her own, but if you write me after I specifically say I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR UNUSUAL KINKS OR LIFESTYLE CHOICES, I get pissed off.
What do you suppose type of man I am? One you should avoid or embrace? Well I'm not a dishrag. I appreciate intelligent physically strong females because they make the best babies and I'm all about family and yes I can afford three wives.
Oh yeah. My profile also notes that I am childfree by choice and have no interest in making babies, "best" or otherwise. Gross.
Well you have a choice to ignore or explore. I expect everything and ask for nothing. Consequently I'm unable to place you in an akward position. You might just be curious....if so please feel free to write. I won't bite and you can always use me for a topic of conversation. "I actually correspond with a polygamist from Florida on a regular basis!!!"
Given that I have friends with much stranger lifestyle choices, some of which are polygamists (or were), I am not interested in corresponding with some douche who can't bother to read my profile, and who can't spell "awkward" correctly.
The rest of his note gives his real name and location and age, none of which is important here. I'm not out to embarrass the dude. Suffice it to say that he's old enough to be my dad (almost 60) and is portly, if not fat, has a Chester the Molester 1970s porn 'stache, and his live-ins, which he generously includes pictures of, both have 1980s mall bangs and spiral perms and probably collect Precious Moments figurines and wear novelty holiday sweaters. Also, they live in Florida, which is the anus of America.
I restrained my bile and responded politely that my profile stated, quite clearly, that I was not interested in "unusual relationships" or indeed any relationship of any kind, that I was not interested in breeding with him or anyone else, and that he should look elsewhere for his third bimbo and, PROTIP, he could try actually reading profiles to improve the odds of a positive response from some poor schlub out there in Interweebz land.
He pompously informed me, seconds before I blocked him, that he didn't feel the need to read profiles, that I was clearly far too much of a stick in the mud to appreciate the glory of being part of some old ugly dude's redneck harem in fucking FLORIDA, for God's sake, and that he'd write me again if he wanted to because men can do whatever they want and women suck. What a winner!
Also, he had to be lurking online at 3AM to respond so quickly, because I was up at 3AM working on a midterm project and we're in the same time zone.
Letter Two:
Well, how can I get your attention? I want you to know I think you are very pretty. And that is always a good thing.
Big whoop. I am completely disinterested in comments about my appearance, as I have done nothing to contribute to that. My mom and dad had good genes. All I do is take a shower regularly and not eat myself into size 24 elastic-waist pants.
I was curious to see what this guy's basis for comparison was, and, lo and behold, he had bookmarked a bunch of stripper-type balloon boobs, some more mall bang ladies, and two profiles I am 90% sure are dickgirls or trannies. Hello, Adam's apples! As for Himself, he's another old, fat, grey, BALD dude with a Chester the Molester 'stache.
So, yeah, not particularly pleased.
You should know I love going barefoot and require that in a girl as well. She should always go barefoot around home and be carefree. I love the look of a woman in jeans, barefooted, and just being herself.
Hello? did you read my profile? No "sex mail" is requested. Not looking for a date or mate. Not interested in weird fetishes. Does no one read anymore?
Not something to think of as being naked. I want her to naturally be barefooted. It's a sexy thing to see. And I'll be barefoot right there with you.
I had to pause to go barf. I am not against bare feet. I like bare feet. My feet are bare right now. It is this obsessive unsolicited fantasy this guy is forcing on me about bare feet. DO NOT WANT.
Also..."naked"? Is that appropriate to use in a first letter to a total stranger? EVER? Was he dropped on his head at birth?
When I come home from work, I'll take off my shoes and socks and come over and rub my feet against yours.
*Dies from disgust* Guys, this man was gross. You wouldn't want to shake his hand, much less have his bare feet within a country mile of yourself. I'm just saying.
You'll be standing in the kitchen making supper.
O RLY? Donna Reed I am not. You may bite my ass. I don't even cook for my own damn self. Presumptuous neanderthal asswipe.
Then I'll tell you: "Honey, let me make supper."
He has this whole fantasy mapped out, doesn't he? I bet he calls women "ladies" and watches NASCAR, too.
We'll kiss and then I'll carry you to the couch to rest. I'll tell you I love you and kiss you all over.
*Dies again from skin-crawling disgust* WHO WRITES THIS SORT OF THING TO A TOTAL STRANGER? Especially one who has plastered all over her profile several "fuck off if you're a creep or looking for lurve" notices? What is wrong with these retards?
Then I'll make our supper and we will eat, barefooted. Being a family and having the love that no one could ever have for you. These are the things that are meaningful.
Oh em gee. I don't know where to begin.
So, still having more time to kill, I write this nerd fuckwit** back and responded politely that my profile stated, quite clearly, that I was not interested in "foot fetishists" or indeed any relationship of any kind, that I was not interested in dating him or anyone else, and that he should look elsewhere for his barefoot anti-feminist soulmate and, PROTIP, he could try actually reading profiles to improve the odds of a positive response from some poor idjit out there in Interweebz land.
In other words, same "fuck off and die," different cretin.
He professed innocence and informed me, seconds before I blocked him, that he didn't feel the need to read profiles, that he was "not hitting on me or looking for a date" (Again, O RLY? Would he have sent the same note to a dude?), and that his unsolicited sexual fantasy was merely his way of saying "'Sup?" and I should be nicer when random dirtbags solicit me at random to tell me their deepest freakish fantasies. What a winner!
"Nicer"? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass so hard that I then had to go buy a new shoe because mine was still stuck halfway up his large intestine.
Tune in next week, when I'm sure a lonely bisexual babyfur will try to sell me on how awesome it is for an adult to wear an animal suit that looks like a badger or a horse or a wolf or some shit, and pee and poo into Depends, and that his boyfriend thinks it would be groovy to add me to their double-wide trailer of lurve in Dumbfuckistan, Montana.
I swear, I will be thrilled when my thesis is over and done with. I am not particularly keen on random weird shit appearing in my INBOXes.
But you know what? If I had NOT stated, clearly, on my profile that I was NOT INTERESTED, I would not have been so hard on these jerks. I would have said, hey, learning experience, better fix those profile setting right away, and so on.
It is incredibly selfish and borderline sexually abusive to just spam disinterested females with your weird sexual arrangements and kinks, if you ask me. Not that I'm going to whine to OKCupid's Abuse Team (if they have such a thing) about it. That is what blocks are for.
The irritating thing is, I am actually pretty open-minded, and I don't care what other people do. I just don't want them to bother me with their stupid shit, ESPECIALLY AFTER I STATE CLEARLY IT IS NOT ON. I mean, Christ, they are Darwin Awards waiting to happen if they can't even read warning labels before throwing themselves at a pissed-off grenade.
Next time I should tell them I am a Scientologist and offer to audit them, or type back in ALL-CAPS: "WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES?!" or tell them I want to have Tom Cruise's lobotomized babies. Even creeps are afraid of Scientologists.
Or I could just admit that I might be Anonymous. If that doesn't put the fear of God into them, they have no sense.
Damn but they put me in a shitty mood. I almost didn't blog about it, but those two letters had to be read to be believed. I only wish I saved more of them.
Do I hate social networks? Well, no. They serve a purpose. Just because I am cranky and not inclined to look kindly on random strangers trying to woo me online does not mean that I think it is bad for everyone else. Also? Am doing a thesis project that involves a myriad of social networks. I have to be somewhat positively inclined towards them, in the general sense, to do that. Right?
Also also? Hello, am here on LiveJournal. I'd say this was a type of social network. Amirite? The difference here is that everyone who posts to my blog happens to be interesting and not trying to touch my nekkid feetsez or make me a Mormon*. Knowhutimean?
* If you are a Mormon, I apologize. I know the polygamy thing is no longer the default setting for you guys. I've worked with Mormons before, and they were nice folks, but, honestly, I have no idea how you folks survive without the delicious caffeinated beverages.
** Attention, Gentle Readers: A representative from Awesome Nerds Anonymous protested their good name being besmirched by Dullard Dumbfuckistani #2, so a reference to him being a "nerd", which was entirely too complimentary, has been upgraded to the much more accurate "fuckwit". Management hopes this editing decision does not cause you undue hardship or confusion. Thank you.
.