Your Humble Narrator Rants About A Lot Of Really, REALLY Bad Songs
BLENDER not-so-recently (August 2004!) announced their picks for the 50 worst songs ever, and VH-1 gleefully made yet another of their cheap-to-produce clip shows about it. Now, I generally agree with BLENDER's picks--and probably duplicated some of their choices but I'm too weary to go verify that. I would, however, replace their novelty song picks (like "Barbie Girl" by Aqua) with bad songs that took themselves all too seriously. But they chose "We Built This City" by Starship as THE worst song ever, so, on the whole, I think they are the Nazz.
Of the songs listed below, I can say honestly that I wouldn't be sad if I never again heard the ones that, by some miracle, didn't make me want to instantly projectile vomit. I also generally ignore novelty songs, as they surely aren't supposed to be good in the first place.
The BAD should be exposed and TAUNTED UNMERCIFULLY! (Speaking of: "Bad is Bad"--Huey Lewis & the News...bad IS bad.)
How about these Odes De Uber-Suckness:
Power of Love--Huey Lewis & the News
(So many bad Huey Lewis songs, so little time.)
Havin' My Baby--Paul Anka
(By not having an abortion, you show your lurve for meeee is troooooo!!)
Muskrat Love--Captain & Tenille
(Susie and Sammy gettin' jiggy...ew, furry love! Cute odes to animal mating rituals does not equal romance.)
Wind Beneath My Wings--Bette Midler
(Almost as bad as "From a Distance", where God is an impotent voyeur.)
Mickey--Toni Basil
(...unless you're, like, 12 years old...then you can like it...and "Sugar, Sugar" and "Yummy Yummy Yummy", too.)
Take it Easy--Andy Taylor
(Taylor escaped Duran Duran only to prove he is so incapable of writing coherent lyrics that he was forced to truncate the word "student" to "stu", and he had to rip off the Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb" while he was at it. He did SO WELL as a solo artist that he eventually came crawling back to Duran and forced them to boot his replacement. What a sport!)
Me and You and a Dog Named Boo--Lobo
(As if the title alone doesn't give away the badness. Reeks of panel vans, patchouli, tie-dye and body odor.)
(Speaking of panel vans...)
Chevy Van--perpetrator's name mercifully obliterated from my memory*
Ebony and Ivory--Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
(Gah. Kill me now. Did any sane people actually dig this song? Did it promote any true interracial harmony? NO.)
Seasons In The Sun--Terry Jacks
(One of many demonic earworm songs.)
I've Never Been To Me--Charlene
(Who cares, Charlene? The 70's was called the ME Decade for a reason. Oh, I've travelled and had such a full life, but I'm so EMPTY because I haven't fully explored the wonderfulness of MEEEEE.)
That's What Friends Are For--Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder
(I. hate. you. all. BAD friends. No biscuits. GO AWAY.)
Mr. Roboto--Styx
(Domo arigato that this song isn't popular anymore.)
Independence Day--Martina McBride
(Sean Hannity likes it. 'Nuff said.)
God Bless the USA--Lee Greenwood
(Message here: God wants us to kill everyone who isn't a conservative Republican pro-war AMURRIKKKAN! YEE HAW!!!)
The Pina Colada Song--Rupert Holmes
(Barf. And the moral is? If you both decide to cheat on each other, it's cool and things will work out GREAT! He's also responsible for "Him", which is, again, about love triangles. I sense a theme. Yawn.)
Half Breed--Cher
(Damn The (White) Man for picking on poor Cher, that self-confessed gypsy, tramp, and thief that she is. Give Cher a hug, willya?)
Sailing--Christopher Cross
(ZZZZzzzzzzzz...what?! Not to be listened to when actually sailing, as you will go into a coma, then the boat will drift, then it will sink and THEN you will die.)
Summer Breeze--Seals and Crofts
(Gah. If I had testicles, they'd curl up and die.)
Butterfly--Crazy Town
(Nice oxymoronic video, you cretins--ugly-tattooed idjits showing their thugga physiques while singing about pretty, pretty butterflies in a pretty, pretty flowery field but really talking about giving some poor unfortunate frigid gal a big O with their manlinesses.)
Run, Joey, Run--David Geddes
(Watch out, Jo-Jo! I'm pregNINT and Dad's all MAD and stuff and oh no I'm dyin'. *gruk!* And I wuz gonna git married to him, tooooo!)
Chuck E.'s In Love--Rickie Lee Jones
(I could care less about Chuck's banal love life.)
Wildfire--Michael Murphy
(Bah. People liked this sort of crap in the 70's because it was easy to find lots of REALLY POWERFUL marijuana then.)
Love the One You're With--Stephen Stills
(Yet another "Cheating's okay!" song. Hope you had some sort of mutually-agreed-upon polyamorous deal.)
Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel--Tavares
(Barf. Hallmark sentiments suck--let me guess...your angel is a pretty pastel "Preshuss Momintz" angel, toooo!)
Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car--Billy Ocean
(I hate you, Billy Ocean, and talking about kidnapping some poor girl you fancy--whether or not she's a Caribbean Queen or not--makes me hate you more)
Heartbeat--Don Johnson
(Actors shouldn't sing.)
Respect Yourself--Bruce Willis
(Actors still shouldn't sing. I'm not even going to bother talking about Eddie Murphy or Patrick Swayze. Okay, MAYBE Jack Black is allowed.)
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald--Gordon Lightfoot
(The Dandy Warhols covered this. It was a joke. Thank GOD. Because it's BAD. How could BLENDER omit this one? It goes on for-evvvv-errrrr, too.)
Paradise by the Dashboard Light--Meatloaf
(It also lasts approximately 37 minutes, especially when someone covers it karaoke-style. Nice touch, interrupting the song for five minutes' worth of tasteful baseball = sex analogy chatter.)
Dust In The Wind--Kansas
(A slit-your-wrists song if ever there was one...nothing you do or are or will be matters, since we're all going to be dead and forgotten anyway.)
Watching Scotty Grow--Bobby Goldsboro
(BARF. I don't want to know what's growing. It's vaguely pedophilic, anyway.)
I Will Always Love You--Whitney Houston
(Eye-ee-eye-ee-eye get a migraine listening to you yodel.)
Lady in Red--Chris DeBerg
(Almost as bad as "Don't Pay the Ferryman". Frat boys think this is one way cool "sensitive" song that will get them bimbos in truckloads!)
Danger Zone--Kenny Loggins
(Woo! Blowing shit up from planes is kewl!)
Sex and Candy--Marcy Playground
(Yawn. Learn to sing. You just KNOW they were trying to think of two things almost everyone likes, all so it would be a hit.)
Long Tall Glasses--Leo Sayer
(Songs about alcoholic hobos crashing parties are FUNNEEEE.)
I'm All Out of Love--Air Supply
(So am I. For you and this stupid song.)
Copacabana--Barry Manilow
(Irritating. Tragic tale about people we couldn't care less about.)
Lola--The Kinks
(Omigawd, she's a HE! Dang!! BAD. (And I LOVE The Kinks!))
Don't You Forget About Me--Simple Minds
(I think I've heard this song literally 1,675 times, which was 1,674 times too many.)
Two Princes--Spin Doctors
(Beloved by big-panted frat boys everywhere.)
Kokomo--Beach Boys
(Mike Love, you are evil. EVIL, I say.)
Flying Purple People Eater--Sheb Wooley
(...or whatever his name is.)
Horse With No Name--America
(see below..."geography band names = putrid music".)
Billy, Don't be a Hero - Bo Donaldson & The Haywoods
(Hey, if you don't remember this, be glad.)
MacArthur Park - Donna Summer
(...crappy cover yeah yeah yeah wet cake sob sob sob rain whatever big deal shut UP.)
Sussudio--Phil Collins
(You know, Genesis was, at one point, a decent band...when Peter Gabriel was still in it. Of course, he dressed up like a giant daisy at the time.)
500 Miles--The Proclaimers
(Heard at least 500 times that year alone.)
Everybody Have Fun Tonight--Wang Chung
(How does one "wang chung", precisely? Also, see below.)
Who Let the Dogs Out--Baha Men
(But the parody is kind of amusing--who let them cows out? MOO! MOO! MOO-MOO-MOO!)
Devil Went Down To Georgia--Charlie Daniels Band
(No wonder the rest of the country thinks Georgians are stupid rednecks. My taste-free younger sibling adored this song.)
Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?--Chicago
(Time to change the radio station!)
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?--Culture Club
(Yes. Damn, George. You can do better.)
Just Died In Your Arms--Cutting Crew
(Oh, I wish.)
The Heat Is On--Glen Frey
(I don't like The Eagles so why should I like YOU?)
Maneater--Hall & Oates
(So hard to choose the worst example of H&O badness...this nugget of poo will do.)
Where The Eagles Soar--John Ashcroft
(Hateful man, hateful hyper-patriotic crapola.)
Faithfully--Journey
(You know what? I don't hate everything Journey did. But this certainly qualifies!)
Lick It Up--KISS
(Gross. And put your makeup back on, you're frightening small children.)
Reminiscing--Little River Band
(Songs to fall asleep by.)
Blame It On The Rain--Milli Vanilli
(Blame it on bad lipsynching and bad lyrics and bad music.)
Coming To America--Neil Diamond
(If you don't get that this is the name of the song, he'll repeat it forty times and end up shouting it. Yay.)
Jump For My Love--Pointer Sisters
(No. What, you snap your fingers and I'm supposed to be honored to try and chase after you? And...WHY?)
Lump--Presidents of the USA
(Possible advent of dumbness becoming socially acceptable amongst portions of the populace who had heretofore rejected it)
Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore--REO Speedwagon
(My non-existent testicles continue to shrivel until they fall off. Shield your men from this song.)
Never Gonna Give You Up--Rick Astley
(Oh yay, stalkers are cool. I also like it when the Police tell me they'll be watching me "Every Breath (I) Take", because stalking = trooo lurve)
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?--Rod Stewart
(God, no, you male hag.)
Joy To The World--Three Dog Night
(Songs about bullfrogs. Woot.)
I Think We're Alone Now--Tiffany
(The original was bad enough. Then Tiffany thought it'd be way toooobular to cover it, like, wow!)
Africa--Toto
(Like they know ANYTHING about Africa at all! Hee!)
Go Ninja Go--Vanilla Ice
(Far worse than "Ice, Ice Baby", which ripped off David Bowie & Queen's "Under Pressure"...but Rob claims there's a subtle difference so it's all okay. No plagiarist, he!)
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (Jitterbug)--Wham!
(Christ on a stick, I can't believe people didn't figure out George Michael was gay from this one song alone...not that gay is BAD by any means...but HOW could you be SURPRISED?! And: nice teeth, guys.)
Ironic--Alanis Morrissette
(Mostly because the situations discussed damn well weren't ironic in the least...those are called BUMMERS.)
Same Old Lang Syne--Dan Fogelberg
(I remember Opus from Bloom County referring to him as "Fogleburp". Hee.)
You Make Me Feel Like Dancin'--Leo Sayer
(YOU make ME feel like pukin'.)
Lady--Kenny Rogers
(Lady? ARF! Lady?! ARF ARF ARF!!)
When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman--Dr. Hook
(Chauvinistic vomit-inducer. But hey, everything Dr. Hook did was awful.)
I'd Really Love to See You Tonight--England Dan and John Ford Coley
(They should probably be included in the "named after places = sucks" section.)
She's Out of My Life--Michael Jackson
(It's complete with faux gut-wrenching "sobs". Like he's ever been THAT broken up over a WOMAN, much less an ADULT.)
To All The Girls I've Loved Before--Julio Iglesias & Willie Nelson
(Did you really buy that these two guys were best buds commiserating over their past loves? Me, either.)
The Girl Is Mine--Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
(How I forgot this the first time through, I don't know. Forget the age difference, forget the unlikelihood that these two guys would be after the same chick...it's just a yucky song. That doggone girl, dang, man, she is mine! It's like Hank Hill's neighbor, translated from his native language of Mumble.)
Johnny Get Angry--Joannie Summers
(Johnny beat me up, Johnny use bad grammar.)
Thank God I'm A Country Boy--John Denver
(...and he's SO proud of this fact!)
Undercover Angel--Alan O'Day
(Please see fantastic comment by blog reader, below. Sums it up.)
Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head--BJ Thomas
(Right now, you are probably struggling not to sing the whole thing. It gets into your head and won't let go for days. Also, I wouldn't still be standing out in the rain once raindrops started hitting me on the head. It shows a certain lack of common sense.)
Afternoon Delight--Starland Vocal Band
(This irks me because the chorus is so catchy. Even reading the title of the song starts the "Skyrockets in flight..." bit. Then I have to get up and put something non-sucky on before I begin to SING it. Argh!)
Lay, Lady, Lay--Bob Dylan
(I do not know why I loathe this song so much, but I do. I'm not a huge fan of Dylan's vocal style, true, but this song just makes me want to throw up.)
Born To Be Alive--Patrick Hernandez
(Completely average in every respect.)
Sexual Healing--Marvin Gaye
(I find the blatancy of the lyrics completely un-erotic, myself.)
Born Free--Roger Williams
(...as free as the wind blows! This was about a lion, y'all.)
Hello--Lionel Ritchie
(Hello? You've been disconnected for being a creepy, sappy dude.)
The Hustle--Van McCoy
(Most songs about dances are novelty songs, which I excluded from my ire, but I suffered through one too many bar mitzvahs where this was a big hit...long after it vanished from the charts.)
Reunited--Peaches & Herb
(I don't know, it just reminds me of those couples who think the entire world gives a crap about their relationship and feel the need to share every sordid detail. When they are fighting, we don't care; shut up. When they are back together and promising never to fight again, we still don't care; shut up, our eyes hurt from rolling them too much so often.)
Boogie Oogie Oogie--A Taste of Honey
(I am not a big fan of The Disco, clearly.)
Behind Closed Doors--Charlie Rich
(Please keep it there. Don't feel the need to share. We beg you.)
Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?--Crystal Gayle
(After working in a medical library and reading too many forensic reports and true crime novels, there are some things that will make brown eyes blue, and vice versa, and they are all nasty things that happen after you die.)
Sometimes When We Touch--Dan Hill
(You know this guy gives his woman "I WUV OO" Valentines, accompanied by a cheap fuschia or bright red stuffed animal and some generic dollar store chocolates or a gas station "silk" rose and thinks that is the height of romance. Sure, it is the thought that counts...but that sort of thing takes no thought.)
Also BAD:
Anything by KORN, Limp Bizkit, Creed, ICP, Staind, Slipknot, Linkin Park, etc.
Anything by Avril, Christina, Mandy, Britney, Hillary, Ashlee, etc.
As a general rule, bands with numbers in their names are bad. (Possible exception: Gang of 4.)
As a general rule, songs by bands that give a shout out to themselves in their lyrics are bad. Note: Wang Chung, Backstreet Boys, Vanilla Ice, most rap artists, way too many more.
As a general rule, bands named after places suck. America, Kansas, Manhattan Transfer, Chicago, Alabama, Georgia Satellites, Asia, Texas, L.A. Guns, Ohio Players, The California Raisins, Boston, Europe, Nazareth, Miami Sound Machine, Black Oak Arkansas, Oak Ridge Boys, Nashville Pussy, Timbuk 3, Atlanta Rhythm Section...oh, need I go on? Exceptions to this rule: New York Dolls, London Suede (who dropped the "London" anyway), Future Sound of London, Of Montreal, Great Lakes, Berlin, (older) Myssouri, Japan.
Anything by Bob Seger...I hate him so much I can't even check to see if I spelled his surname correctly. Ditto Peter Cetera, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, Lionel Ritchie, Eddie Money, Meatloaf, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Creedence Clearwater Revival, etc.
Anything by Celine Dion (God hates me!!!)
Anything P. Diddy has touched and thus destroyed (...like the remake of "Kashmir"...Jimmy Page must have been on crack!)
Anything that sounds like "reet reet reet reet REET REET REET REET ompsht ompsht ompsht ompsht" and has more than 400 beats per minute. An ex-boyfriend referred to this as the "homopercolator beat", which isn't very politically correct, but is still funny.
Angry white boys attempting to co-opt gangsta culture because they think that's kewl--they all make BAD music.
ETA: I also don't get the trend towards ruining pop songs by interrupting them for a two minute speech by some barely literate thug. They don't sing, they just tell us who they are, who the singer is, and say "yeah" a lot. It is like a commercial break from Rappers "R" Us. I just don't get it.
I also have some irrational anger when catchy songs invade my brain despite the fact they have no artistic merit. This shit is bananas, B A N A N A S, under my um-ba-rella-rella-rella, which brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, woof woof woof woof woof. It wasn't me, it wasn't me, on the bathroom floor, in da club, whoomp! there it is. Stuuuuuupid girls, in a Barbie world, so crazy right now. My name is...what? My name is...what? Rico! Suave. No tengo dinero. Boombastic! Funky cold Medina and gin and juice. Break it down. Umpsht, umpsht, umpsht, umpsht, wikkiwikkiwikkiwikki.
You know the song sucks, but it won't go away. Then one day you find yourself in the shower, and thinking you've just invented this fantastic new melody, and gradually, to your horror, you realize that you've just transposed or synchopated or genre-shifted some piece of overproduced poo. Not only are you no longer going to get rich and famous, you have to admit that you heard enough of some crap that it sunk into your brain.
I do pick up some of these tunes when I download mash-ups that involve artists I do like. Somehow I don't mind those as much, and they tend to be popular with the kids who make radio show requests.
Guys, I haven't listened to commercial radio since 1996. I rarely watch TV. I don't hang out with little kids or go to the malls or even to the movies much. I buy music online, or from mom'n'pop used CD / record places, never setting foot in a chain store. I don't watch You Tube (on dialup, it is agonizing). I don't download Flash stuff often. I have no idea how these songs filter through my anti-suck barriers.
I will blame people in boomcars, because I can't think of any other vectors. Boomcar people plant the earworms in my brain. J'accuse!!
* And, crap. I just remembered "Chevy Van" was perpetrated by one Sammy Johns. Hell. I'd hoped I'd forgotten.
So much hate. So little time.