(no subject)
It's been forever, or at least as much as I remember since I've written in here. I'm back to square one, which is not in any way something I am proud of. Back to home, with my parents, and there lifestyles. Back to only feeling like I can handle a mediocre job, but at least it's something. And back to putting school, which I was supposed to attend this September out of my priority list for now. I don't feel like myself. To a point where some days, I don't feel anything at all. Neither happy, nor distraught.
The accident provided me with a lot or time to reflect. I was alone. My boyfriend left me merely two days after. He was my best friend for two and a half years. He was a muse, an inspiration, someone I though was at very least someone I would be close to. Even if we finally gave up. I don't know how I see him now. I'm stuck in the middle. I feel like he might want me around about as much as he wants to benefit himself. But also enough, not to let himself fall for me again. Although, that is giving myself too much credit. I don't want him hanging things over my head, for example, "you ask too many questions". Or "I think you wanted me to follow you to fix the window" while I was yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE". Sometimes in our relationship, he would believe something horrible so much, that I gave up and would just agree, let him have his glory. "I treat you like shit because you make me, because in my twisted opinion and attempt to ruin this more than let it be, I would rather see you unhappy and miserable than see you smile and laugh every day."
It's like he wants to hurt me. And I can at least not let him know he's doing it. Then I threaten to leave him life, he's nice, he listens, and he admits his mistake in accusing me. He stops accusing. But wait a few days, when I'm happy and he'll bring me down as far as he can get me before I hang up the phone.
And now what do I do? I sometimes think about how much I miss him. But then in the same thought, how can I ever love someone again, who left me TWO DAYS after an accident. Yes, I admitted, I was STUPID to put myself in a dangerous situation, stressed from some fight. But no, I don't think it was the "right thing" to leave me like that. It showed me how little he cared for me. And made me feel like I was a horrible person. It enhanced my ability to see all of my flaws so much, that I can barely grasp on to the things that made me so great. I don't have the drive that I used to. And I'm not asking for the past. But I do see that time isn't healing any of our problems, or making me want something that hurt me so much, it drew me two steps back right after I picked myself up and went one step forward.
"We are too different". "It broke my heart when you slipped". For the two of us, being so alike, and one of us (me) trying to just make things better and constantly improve....and the other refusing to even notice his own faults, and always has to be right... It made me stop caring so much about someone else. I feel sorry for the next guy and all the work he woudl have to do to break down the huge wall. But right now I don't even feel like I deserve another guy, nor want one. I feel like "what's the point?"
The accident provided me with a lot or time to reflect. I was alone. My boyfriend left me merely two days after. He was my best friend for two and a half years. He was a muse, an inspiration, someone I though was at very least someone I would be close to. Even if we finally gave up. I don't know how I see him now. I'm stuck in the middle. I feel like he might want me around about as much as he wants to benefit himself. But also enough, not to let himself fall for me again. Although, that is giving myself too much credit. I don't want him hanging things over my head, for example, "you ask too many questions". Or "I think you wanted me to follow you to fix the window" while I was yelling "LEAVE ME ALONE". Sometimes in our relationship, he would believe something horrible so much, that I gave up and would just agree, let him have his glory. "I treat you like shit because you make me, because in my twisted opinion and attempt to ruin this more than let it be, I would rather see you unhappy and miserable than see you smile and laugh every day."
It's like he wants to hurt me. And I can at least not let him know he's doing it. Then I threaten to leave him life, he's nice, he listens, and he admits his mistake in accusing me. He stops accusing. But wait a few days, when I'm happy and he'll bring me down as far as he can get me before I hang up the phone.
And now what do I do? I sometimes think about how much I miss him. But then in the same thought, how can I ever love someone again, who left me TWO DAYS after an accident. Yes, I admitted, I was STUPID to put myself in a dangerous situation, stressed from some fight. But no, I don't think it was the "right thing" to leave me like that. It showed me how little he cared for me. And made me feel like I was a horrible person. It enhanced my ability to see all of my flaws so much, that I can barely grasp on to the things that made me so great. I don't have the drive that I used to. And I'm not asking for the past. But I do see that time isn't healing any of our problems, or making me want something that hurt me so much, it drew me two steps back right after I picked myself up and went one step forward.
"We are too different". "It broke my heart when you slipped". For the two of us, being so alike, and one of us (me) trying to just make things better and constantly improve....and the other refusing to even notice his own faults, and always has to be right... It made me stop caring so much about someone else. I feel sorry for the next guy and all the work he woudl have to do to break down the huge wall. But right now I don't even feel like I deserve another guy, nor want one. I feel like "what's the point?"