(no subject)
Just got back from breakfast with him
Thought, wanted his company, wanted his affection, he's not much for either right now
Is it worth it anymore to say I still love him so much and would like to in the future not now have a second chance, or have I become completely unattractive to him in each and every way
Is it terrible that I can love and care and invest so much in a relationship, yet couldnt do anything for myself around him? And now only care for myself and friends around me? And this future of mine?
That his comfortable presence now .... well still makes me feel good?
I remember when he used to write me poems and talk to me for 3 hours and we'd have deep getting to know you conversations and he'd drive all the way to oshawa and then back for me
Did I put him through so much hell that he couldnt even think of doing that? Did he have too much of me, not worth investing extra effort anymore? Always accessable? Trying to be number one? Keeping me from talking to a co-worker of his, i forgot where it all started and i think its time to remember now...and have that great memory forever.
Because the sweetheart I fell for with his notes and massages and showers together and telling me i looked great and he loved my messy hair in the morning, and driving me to my grandma when she was in the hospital, getting me to the doctor;s in markham when i had a broken bone,
The sweetheart he fell in love with the positive cute nervous cuddly artsy smart funny care for everyone and anyone who walks into my life
girl who have him massages that put him to sleep
But I'd hate to be the one fully walking away, because down the road, he'll be like, you might not have ever loved me, because you just let it all go, didnt even back off,
I dont want to walk in and see him with a wife and kids, and have had temporary relationships or something,
I think that would truly kill me
I keep seeing that woman everywhere we go
I feel jealous and brutalized
I can tell he wants something else, or isnt happy with what we had
I saw it in his eyes 2 months ago when he'd had too much and I'd had too much of wondering and trying to take care of his shit or something and actually not doing much with that thought
I can plot where my emotions laid at different points in the time
September on the steps when he picked me up and we went to the casino so i could win
Sleeping on the futon mattress with him, anticipating when he would get home
Sleeping on the couch while everything was under renovation
Dinners at different places, different moods
Finding out I was pregnant and being in my own little world
Broken collarbone, didnt know how to look for new job, scared of surroundings, uncomfortable
Training with Marty's drives to work....coming home, night after night doing the same things
Not having any of my possessions there....getting lonely by myself ina room that wasnt mine
Feeling weird when people were upstairs
Feeling bad after Dave came by, feeling almost suicidal when he said thats enough
Talking to people at work feeling weird about new people and my unprofessionalism and looks and lack of self esteem
Going to the gym, getting him motivated and at least feeling connected with him that way
Getting comfortable at work
Coming home on weekends to him on the couch drunk and watching TV
Week after operation
Feeling funny meeting new guys and telling him about it so I stayed home
Christmas, feeling like he was part of my family, but he didnt want to meet my family
Driving Karens car
The day after we broke up, he looked at me and said I want to be with you
Football obsession
Bronte Creek
Midland
I think right now Im just weening him out of my life, again for the memory, I dont want to ween him out....but he's not giving me much of a choice or a future to look forward to with him
I think I got bored of how quiet he was, but how inactive he was to push forth with me
Calgary, afraid to lose him, no matter what, called and was happy and had lots to say in different tones tired and hungover to excited and motivated to
Felt like shit when I was always begging or explaining over and over again
Then felt really good to have him back, he made a promise woth those words, and I wanted to fight and work hard for him to keep that promise and make it worth it
Thought, wanted his company, wanted his affection, he's not much for either right now
Is it worth it anymore to say I still love him so much and would like to in the future not now have a second chance, or have I become completely unattractive to him in each and every way
Is it terrible that I can love and care and invest so much in a relationship, yet couldnt do anything for myself around him? And now only care for myself and friends around me? And this future of mine?
That his comfortable presence now .... well still makes me feel good?
I remember when he used to write me poems and talk to me for 3 hours and we'd have deep getting to know you conversations and he'd drive all the way to oshawa and then back for me
Did I put him through so much hell that he couldnt even think of doing that? Did he have too much of me, not worth investing extra effort anymore? Always accessable? Trying to be number one? Keeping me from talking to a co-worker of his, i forgot where it all started and i think its time to remember now...and have that great memory forever.
Because the sweetheart I fell for with his notes and massages and showers together and telling me i looked great and he loved my messy hair in the morning, and driving me to my grandma when she was in the hospital, getting me to the doctor;s in markham when i had a broken bone,
The sweetheart he fell in love with the positive cute nervous cuddly artsy smart funny care for everyone and anyone who walks into my life
girl who have him massages that put him to sleep
But I'd hate to be the one fully walking away, because down the road, he'll be like, you might not have ever loved me, because you just let it all go, didnt even back off,
I dont want to walk in and see him with a wife and kids, and have had temporary relationships or something,
I think that would truly kill me
I keep seeing that woman everywhere we go
I feel jealous and brutalized
I can tell he wants something else, or isnt happy with what we had
I saw it in his eyes 2 months ago when he'd had too much and I'd had too much of wondering and trying to take care of his shit or something and actually not doing much with that thought
I can plot where my emotions laid at different points in the time
September on the steps when he picked me up and we went to the casino so i could win
Sleeping on the futon mattress with him, anticipating when he would get home
Sleeping on the couch while everything was under renovation
Dinners at different places, different moods
Finding out I was pregnant and being in my own little world
Broken collarbone, didnt know how to look for new job, scared of surroundings, uncomfortable
Training with Marty's drives to work....coming home, night after night doing the same things
Not having any of my possessions there....getting lonely by myself ina room that wasnt mine
Feeling weird when people were upstairs
Feeling bad after Dave came by, feeling almost suicidal when he said thats enough
Talking to people at work feeling weird about new people and my unprofessionalism and looks and lack of self esteem
Going to the gym, getting him motivated and at least feeling connected with him that way
Getting comfortable at work
Coming home on weekends to him on the couch drunk and watching TV
Week after operation
Feeling funny meeting new guys and telling him about it so I stayed home
Christmas, feeling like he was part of my family, but he didnt want to meet my family
Driving Karens car
The day after we broke up, he looked at me and said I want to be with you
Football obsession
Bronte Creek
Midland
I think right now Im just weening him out of my life, again for the memory, I dont want to ween him out....but he's not giving me much of a choice or a future to look forward to with him
I think I got bored of how quiet he was, but how inactive he was to push forth with me
Calgary, afraid to lose him, no matter what, called and was happy and had lots to say in different tones tired and hungover to excited and motivated to
Felt like shit when I was always begging or explaining over and over again
Then felt really good to have him back, he made a promise woth those words, and I wanted to fight and work hard for him to keep that promise and make it worth it