Yes reader its been a long time.
I had hoped id had healthy enough avenues of communication in my life not to warrant fucking writing to Noone reader.. Of course you..interlopers are here by some chance..and i hope you have learned something ...exactly WHAT ..i dunno.
im a lonely person. Every time i meet someone things get messed up. im afraid to like someone. Im afraid to try and talk about this crushing weight of loneliness. it will just drive people away. im simple i just want a best friend who will share all my secrets..for ever. Not a fucking platonic friend, not even a circle of well meaning souls that pat me on the back and tell me things like. "youre great theres no reason for you to feel this way" thats just dross that people who have no plans of dating you or getting close to you say. I want someone to be there for those monents where you need someone to wipe yoru tears away and give you a little boost. Also someone to share the beautiful moments with too. ive waited and waited.. in the hopes im being picky enough to do it right.
im not going to blindly attach myself to just anyone to stave off being alone. Im not getting any prettier.
its like theres a goddamn magic bubble around me that prevents people from feeling more than cuddly friendship.
if it continues i am afraid i will have to change. that means killing the person that i am . As much as i entertain dreams that somsone will find all these emotions ive bled into word and verse and picture after i die.. . i know it probably wont happen. Call me egotistical but i have a beautiful soul.... why is it going to waste> and wy am i fucking dead-ended every time i think there just may be a goddamn light , Im so angry. im alone..and it doenst matter to anyone. but me. the world gives me the impression that i just have to deal with it.
ive been denied love my whole life. serial killers are made in such ways. being alone fucks you up... it adds shit to you that you do not want.. and it makes you unattractive..sealing your doom to loneliness forever..
if this feeling persists.. i will have to kill myself.. and noone is going to know because im not going to cry for help. i feel like a pauper watching the rich eat through a frosty winter window. and im not going to put up with it.
maybe i will turn on the world...
and they will ask themselves how shit like this happens ...he was so quiet.. .. every song.. every starry night...
every pretty moment..or breezy afternoon..i want to share those with someone.. someone i have something in common with.. it didnt seem like a tall order.. but it is.. disability situation hasnt helped these last 6 years
im in school now for 3-d animation maybe i can get a job and a steady flow going.all those things that a guy needs before a woman will even consider him. And rightly so.. then maybe i can impress some angel before im an ugly old man who needs pills for his prick. i dont see it happening for me tho...
and when it doesnt..when i decide its too late .. i am going to be so very very mad.
sometimes i feel there is a force keeping me from love at every turn..just to see what will happen. but that is a delusion that centers on me and makes me special... its a fucking schizophrenic trait. im not special.. my pain isnt rare.. and its not going to endear anyone to my soul.. i just bleed and bleeed and bleeeeeed. When my friends say im being stupid and that im attractive i think to myself "yes but do YOU want to be with me?" i dont need to ask because the answer is always NO. if i didnt care about them id scream at them to shove their platitudes up their happy little asses... i am a zombie.. i will bury my heart.. and rid myself of hope and desire. and go thru the motions until the situation is changed.. maybe i can find the goddamn strength to wake up when the time is right.
im a lonely person. Every time i meet someone things get messed up. im afraid to like someone. Im afraid to try and talk about this crushing weight of loneliness. it will just drive people away. im simple i just want a best friend who will share all my secrets..for ever. Not a fucking platonic friend, not even a circle of well meaning souls that pat me on the back and tell me things like. "youre great theres no reason for you to feel this way" thats just dross that people who have no plans of dating you or getting close to you say. I want someone to be there for those monents where you need someone to wipe yoru tears away and give you a little boost. Also someone to share the beautiful moments with too. ive waited and waited.. in the hopes im being picky enough to do it right.
im not going to blindly attach myself to just anyone to stave off being alone. Im not getting any prettier.
its like theres a goddamn magic bubble around me that prevents people from feeling more than cuddly friendship.
if it continues i am afraid i will have to change. that means killing the person that i am . As much as i entertain dreams that somsone will find all these emotions ive bled into word and verse and picture after i die.. . i know it probably wont happen. Call me egotistical but i have a beautiful soul.... why is it going to waste> and wy am i fucking dead-ended every time i think there just may be a goddamn light , Im so angry. im alone..and it doenst matter to anyone. but me. the world gives me the impression that i just have to deal with it.
ive been denied love my whole life. serial killers are made in such ways. being alone fucks you up... it adds shit to you that you do not want.. and it makes you unattractive..sealing your doom to loneliness forever..
if this feeling persists.. i will have to kill myself.. and noone is going to know because im not going to cry for help. i feel like a pauper watching the rich eat through a frosty winter window. and im not going to put up with it.
maybe i will turn on the world...
and they will ask themselves how shit like this happens ...he was so quiet.. .. every song.. every starry night...
every pretty moment..or breezy afternoon..i want to share those with someone.. someone i have something in common with.. it didnt seem like a tall order.. but it is.. disability situation hasnt helped these last 6 years
im in school now for 3-d animation maybe i can get a job and a steady flow going.all those things that a guy needs before a woman will even consider him. And rightly so.. then maybe i can impress some angel before im an ugly old man who needs pills for his prick. i dont see it happening for me tho...
and when it doesnt..when i decide its too late .. i am going to be so very very mad.
sometimes i feel there is a force keeping me from love at every turn..just to see what will happen. but that is a delusion that centers on me and makes me special... its a fucking schizophrenic trait. im not special.. my pain isnt rare.. and its not going to endear anyone to my soul.. i just bleed and bleeed and bleeeeeed. When my friends say im being stupid and that im attractive i think to myself "yes but do YOU want to be with me?" i dont need to ask because the answer is always NO. if i didnt care about them id scream at them to shove their platitudes up their happy little asses... i am a zombie.. i will bury my heart.. and rid myself of hope and desire. and go thru the motions until the situation is changed.. maybe i can find the goddamn strength to wake up when the time is right.