(no subject)
i figured something out just now.
this semester marked the first part of the second half of college. the past year has been unsettling to me in a lot of ways, and a recurring thought i-- and probably most of my peers-- keep having is omgz what next. i went into college with a strong broad picture of where I wanted to go, and a precociousness that I have since lost. unfortunately, i kept that broad picture, and it's stayed that way, which scares me.
what i couldn't understand is how I-- motivated, hardworking I-- could feel lost like that. didn't i have it? part of it is probably a general human lostness that many of us encounter, but I just worked out where the contradiction lies for me. perhaps this is common too.
when i set a goal for myself, i achieve it (maybe that's the precociousness talking, but I've got empirical evidence now). in the past couple of years, i have set short term goals and achieved them. i have cared about things and wanted to do things and set short term goals involving those things. that's it! i set short term goals. go to kashmir! check. run exposure! check. do epiic! check. exec features! check. make something out of a summer in boston! check.
put like that, it might seem like i have some sort of compulsion to Just Do Things. i don't. I care(/d) about each of those things deeply, that's why I did them. what is scary to me is that i've come to a point where i can't work towards those goals anymore and I'm not sure what comes next. i had, for so long, been afraid of long term commitment. it's complicated with the future!
this all might be painfully obvious. short term v long term. duhhhh. i know that it doesn't have to be short and long, that we run one into the other, that life is just a continuous path of rainbows (or perhaps a tarpit) anyway... but man. i feel better now.
this probably reads as ridiculous. dear lord. maybe it's okay to admit that i don't know what i want. i still feel kind of dirty posting this, though.
this semester marked the first part of the second half of college. the past year has been unsettling to me in a lot of ways, and a recurring thought i-- and probably most of my peers-- keep having is omgz what next. i went into college with a strong broad picture of where I wanted to go, and a precociousness that I have since lost. unfortunately, i kept that broad picture, and it's stayed that way, which scares me.
what i couldn't understand is how I-- motivated, hardworking I-- could feel lost like that. didn't i have it? part of it is probably a general human lostness that many of us encounter, but I just worked out where the contradiction lies for me. perhaps this is common too.
when i set a goal for myself, i achieve it (maybe that's the precociousness talking, but I've got empirical evidence now). in the past couple of years, i have set short term goals and achieved them. i have cared about things and wanted to do things and set short term goals involving those things. that's it! i set short term goals. go to kashmir! check. run exposure! check. do epiic! check. exec features! check. make something out of a summer in boston! check.
put like that, it might seem like i have some sort of compulsion to Just Do Things. i don't. I care(/d) about each of those things deeply, that's why I did them. what is scary to me is that i've come to a point where i can't work towards those goals anymore and I'm not sure what comes next. i had, for so long, been afraid of long term commitment. it's complicated with the future!
this all might be painfully obvious. short term v long term. duhhhh. i know that it doesn't have to be short and long, that we run one into the other, that life is just a continuous path of rainbows (or perhaps a tarpit) anyway... but man. i feel better now.
this probably reads as ridiculous. dear lord. maybe it's okay to admit that i don't know what i want. i still feel kind of dirty posting this, though.