On Conventions, Safe Spaces and Being Suckered By The Patriarchy

[britgeekgrrl]

ETA: this is a public post because, damn, this s*** needs to be talked about. A lot. Out loud and in public.

ETA2: But wait! There's more!

It's a topic that's been on my mind for a long time, but not one I've spoken up about because, honestly, people who are much smarter and more articulate than myself have said pretty much everything I've ever

Comments

[britgeekgrrl]

There is this idea that men are dense,

Well... some are. But some aren't. Of course, victims can't tell the difference and thus I must assume the worst for the sake of my own safety, while listening to cries of "But I'm not like them. I'm a nice guy!"

*grinds teeth*

promoting the idea of back-up

Most women I know have backed each other up in some way or another. Me? I've sometimes seen Asshat X approaching with that gleam in his eye, grabbed a (male) friend by the arm and said "Quick. Look jealous!"

Then again, there are times when I've had well-meaning friends/acquaintances decide that I *must* need rescuing and stepping up to do so - without asking me first. Not even a bit of eye contact and a significant tilt of the head (I don't know about everyone else in the world, but I've managed to have some information-laden nonverbal exchanges - especially if I *am* looking for help!)

But I'll get into that in another entry and thanks for reminding me that I wanted to bring that up.

don't blame yourself for not having done so in the past.

I don't blame myself, per se. I regret the years of cluelessness / collaboration and I'm saddened and angry about when I didn't dare speak up even when I know better.

Unfortunately, I'm often STILL caught in the nasty vice that is social conditioning-combined-with-concerns-for-safety-and-poor-boundaries-to-boot. But, y'know, one day at a time!

[trinker]

If a man is that dense, it is still on him to know he's that dense and to curb himself from getting into situations where his denseness will result in harm to others, or harm to his reputation.

If he's so mentally impaired that he can't, then how did he get to that con, and surely he needs a minder in the rest of his life, and where are they in these situations?

There's no version of the story that makes it the responsibility of the harassed party. (Only, as you note, pragmatics that make it a necessity. Practical considerations despite ethical rights.)