(no subject)
i think im isolating myself from the world. i dont know why im doing this but i have been. ive been feeling me and brian slipping apart and him and dina are just getting closer and closer so ive been isolating myself from them as well. its pretty stupid but i cant help it. it makes me sad. brian doesnt need me anymore and its just sad. him and dina are ALWAYS together. i dont understand why they dont invite me along. i hate when i call him and she answers. im supposed to be his number one!! he's mine. yes yes i know this is stupid and childish but i dont care. everyone has been annoying me and everything has as well. i think i'll feel better once i get a job. maybe. idk i need to do something. i used to be miranda but now dina is and im charlotte or something. so supa sad. i dont even think of her as a friend. she's been acting weird with me. i dont understand why my aunties still have friends they knew from malaysia when they were young. its crazy to me how their friendships can last so long. some of their friends from malaysia live in arizona now and they're still friends and some live in other states and still keep in contact. why arent american friends as good as non american friends. my family's friends would be there for them if they needed help in any way they'd be able to call one of their friends and recieve it. my friends here wouldnt do that for me but i would do it for them. its just really frustrating. i keep waiting for that one special friend to come in mine but ive kinda given up. ive completely lowered my standards and expectations of people. its sad that ive had to do that but i've not met one person i could rely on completely. since no one has been there for me the way i expect ive changed myself as well and become more like my friends. its really bad but i have. i used to drop whatever i was doing when people asked me to and put my friends first but since ive never recieved that in return i stopped. ive become one of my friends. i dont like that about myself but idk how to bring it back and become how i used to be. i just dont feel like the people i associate with are worthy of such a friend so i guess i refuse to be that for them since ive yet to recieve it. even my sister would put tv before me. its so ridiculous but if i call her because i wanna talk she'll say to call back in an hour or so after her show. that always really pisses me off because if she calls me i turn down or off whatever im watching and pay attention to her and listen to her. being a friend is hard work and i guess no one these days is up for the challenge. or at least not with me. there must be something wrong with me. like i must be doing something wrong. ive seen so many people who seem to have friends like what im looking for so why cant i find it? i just want a real true friend! someone i could tell absolutely any and everything to. who would be there for me. even brian i cant tell anything to. k im over this entry just whats been on my mind lately.