Talking about doing something, and actually doing it are two very very different things...
So I'm cafe' manager now.
Which is cool.
Pays really great.
However, I'm tired all the fucking time, and I'm super stressed.
I mean, I'm not stressed the way you would think I am. More like exhausted from the sheer effort that I'm exerting trying to get this shit done, and get it done right.
I feel like I'm trying to play catch up with a job that has been neglected for the last 5 or so years.
And really, thats exactly what I'm doing.
I wish that the old manager would have done his job right, that way none of this shit that I'm trying to institute would fall to me.
Other than the stress from that, it seems Trav has developed this innate ability to literally cause me to have panic episodes. I love him, really I do. And sometimes he gets it, he can see the panic building in my eyes, and he holds my hand, or caresses the back of my neck and it calms me. Just the touch of him can calm me sometimes. But then other times, like the last two times we tried to go out.. He'll say something in such a way that it causes panic and fear and anxiety to well up inside me..and I start thinking of all the possibilities of embarassment or awkwardness that could occur and I freeze up. And pull away from him emotionally.
Now, I know what you're thinking, why can't I just realize thats whats happening and stop it...change it even.
Well, heres the problem.
...I don't know how to do that..
I've lived like this for so long, that I'm not sure my mind even knows how to work correctly.
Its scary, and really frustrating, because I know that I'm causing these fights...involuntary though they might be, but I am causing them.
Its pretty disheartening sometimes.
Really wish we had insurance.....
Been feeling really creative lately.
Oh oh, figured out what to do with the AWESOME Doors box that Megan gave me for my bday. I'm putting magazine clippings in it for my scrapbook materials and what not. Its great for holding papers and the like...
Had a couple new ideas for short stories too, AND I found my note book that had my zombie short story in it. Might have to go through and see if I can't get on a roll with that again.
Anywho, I'm gonna take off from here. Just wanted to update since I haven't in like, oh I don't know..almost a month..
Oh oh, and I get new glasses tomorrow!! I'm REALLY excited about them.
I'm a total nerd...buts its cool, you still love me right??? :)
Which is cool.
Pays really great.
However, I'm tired all the fucking time, and I'm super stressed.
I mean, I'm not stressed the way you would think I am. More like exhausted from the sheer effort that I'm exerting trying to get this shit done, and get it done right.
I feel like I'm trying to play catch up with a job that has been neglected for the last 5 or so years.
And really, thats exactly what I'm doing.
I wish that the old manager would have done his job right, that way none of this shit that I'm trying to institute would fall to me.
Other than the stress from that, it seems Trav has developed this innate ability to literally cause me to have panic episodes. I love him, really I do. And sometimes he gets it, he can see the panic building in my eyes, and he holds my hand, or caresses the back of my neck and it calms me. Just the touch of him can calm me sometimes. But then other times, like the last two times we tried to go out.. He'll say something in such a way that it causes panic and fear and anxiety to well up inside me..and I start thinking of all the possibilities of embarassment or awkwardness that could occur and I freeze up. And pull away from him emotionally.
Now, I know what you're thinking, why can't I just realize thats whats happening and stop it...change it even.
Well, heres the problem.
...I don't know how to do that..
I've lived like this for so long, that I'm not sure my mind even knows how to work correctly.
Its scary, and really frustrating, because I know that I'm causing these fights...involuntary though they might be, but I am causing them.
Its pretty disheartening sometimes.
Really wish we had insurance.....
Been feeling really creative lately.
Oh oh, figured out what to do with the AWESOME Doors box that Megan gave me for my bday. I'm putting magazine clippings in it for my scrapbook materials and what not. Its great for holding papers and the like...
Had a couple new ideas for short stories too, AND I found my note book that had my zombie short story in it. Might have to go through and see if I can't get on a roll with that again.
Anywho, I'm gonna take off from here. Just wanted to update since I haven't in like, oh I don't know..almost a month..
Oh oh, and I get new glasses tomorrow!! I'm REALLY excited about them.
I'm a total nerd...buts its cool, you still love me right??? :)